My father was not completely bad, but growing up around his anger changed me
I am Nikhil 20M. And i need to share this.
I grew up in a rural Indian family and recently i have started thinking a lot about how male dominance/oppression in family affects both women and children emotionally.
My father is not some cartoon villain. He has provided for us financially, sent me to coaching, never stopped us from studying/eating what we want etc. Till class 10th i never even thought my father was wrong.
But over the years i have seen the atmosphere at home and especially how my mother behaves around him.
My father gets stressed from work and then sometimes scolds my mother very harshly for small things like forgetting to switch off the water pump, lights etc. My mother mostly just stays quiet and listens. It is like she cannot make mistakes peacefully. I have seen her become anxious just hearing my father enter the house.
One incident from yesterday affected me a lot. Me, my brother and my mother eat non veg but my father and grandmother are vegetarian. So me and my brother cooked omelette for ourselves and my mother. We ate first and then my mother sat to eat. Suddenly she heard my father entering the house and immediately she started eating faster, washed utensils quickly, cleaned everything and went back to kitchen. My father probably would not even have said anything that time, but i instantly understood why she reacted like that. Earlier he has taunted her for eating non veg/cooking separate things.
I feel years of criticism have made her like this.
And honestly this atmosphere has affected me too.
I was sent to FIITJEE for JEE prep in 11th-12th even though engineering was never really my dream. I tried sincerely but never understood much there. I used to score very low. I got 71 percentile in first attempt and 88 this year after drop. Whenever my father is disappointed in me, i become extremely anxious while being scolded. My heartbeat becomes very fast, hands shake, voice stammers and i cannot even defend myself properly. Afterwards i replay the whole conversation in my head and think about what i should have said.
I have even had dreams where i finally argue back with my father and then suddenly wake up with very fast heartbeat.
Another thing i noticed is that now i hesitate asking for things for myself. Clothes, headphones etc. Not because my father never spends money, he actually did spend on my studies and monthly expenses when i stayed away from home. But i grew up hearing things like “focus on studies, whole life is there for fashion”, “minimize expenses”, “learn to live simple”. So now i feel guilty/deserving less whenever i want something non-essential.
I am not writing this to hate my father. I know he also carries stress, responsibility and financial pressure. But i just wanted to ask if others, especially from Indian families, have experienced similar things? Especially seeing their mother slowly become emotionally fearful/careful around the father and then realizing later how much it affected them too.