Am I being controlling or overly judgmental for being this bothered by it?
“I’ve been in a relationship for about 2.5 months with a guy who comes from a very different background and lifestyle than mine. Last night something happened that really bothered me: at 10 PM, he went out in the rain and cold, walking around downtown with a friend to buy weed, stayed out for hours, and treated the whole thing as completely normal and casual.
The issue isn’t just this isolated event, but the pattern it represents: smoking during the week, drinking on work nights, sleeping late even when he has to wake up early, and generally living in a way that feels very impulsive and adolescent to me.
At the same time, he’s extremely influenced by his environment. When he’s with me, he tends to live a much healthier, calmer, and more organized lifestyle. But when he’s around his friends and the place where he lives, he becomes a completely different person. That leaves me torn between thinking: ‘maybe his environment is pulling him down’ and ‘maybe this is simply who he really is.’
I genuinely like him and we have many positive aspects in the relationship, but I’ve noticed that my admiration for him decreases when I see these behaviors. And for me, losing admiration in a relationship is a very serious thing.
My question is: am I being controlling or overly judgmental for being this bothered by it? Or can differences in values and lifestyle realistically become a major long-term issue? How do you tell the difference between having healthy boundaries and trying to change/control your partner?”