Life I guess?
I don’t really know what to say? I need to vent but I don’t know how to get out everything coherently, so I guess if someone’s reading this I’m sorry? I don’t really know what’s wrong with me? I’ve just been in a depressive slump, for a while. I’ve kinda always had really bad ‘episodes’ but they last maybe a month or so before my mood lifts back to normal, but I’ve been feeling like this since roughly November last year? I had a therapist but my sessions ran out like two years ago, and I had managed pretty well all things considered (grandfather passing away in June last year, getting ready for graduation in November of last year; which entailed weeks of exams, my mother starting antidepressants after my grandfather - her dad - passed away; which I guess only affected me because I have to keep it a secret, from my own brother, who I feel has a right to know because idk) so I don’t think two years of not talking to a professional has just randomly come back to bite me in the ass.
I’m 18, don’t have a job, don’t have a license, barely talk to my friends; which I thought was my issue initially, not having a job and having nothing stimulating to do, and I’ve been looking, I just haven’t been applying because there’s nothing I want to do, no licence because I have no confidence to sit behind a wheel and be in control of something that could kill people because of one simple mistake or be the cause of extremely expensive damages, finishing school and going from seeing these people everyday to seeing none of them like ever, and like yeah makes sense why I might be a bit down, I’m bored as fuck but the issue is *I don’t know* if I want to see or talk to any of them to see them, to make plans. I feel so under stimulated, but I worry it’ll be too overstimulating to try and go out.
I keep thinking about the past and things I can’t change, I don’t fucking know what to do with my life, I’m fucking bored and tired and unfulfilled, and the world also just keeps getting shittier and shittier, And I need a hair cut but fuck me a patently because I wanted my dad to do it because it’d save money and I like how he cuts my hair, and I need to finish my resume, and apply somewhere for work, and I wanna work somewhere meaningful, but not like hospital or age care or something but somewhere that makes my parents like a little cheaper, like woolies or Cole’s or something, somewhere that might help them save even just a little on groceries, but those places seem to need real people less and lures and I don’t fucking know what to do anymore. I wanna talk to a professional but i don’t want my parents to have to pay for it but i also would need a license or something to get there, and life feels like it’s falling apart. I just want to stop feeling this way.