u/Crimson_Cinder

Hello,

Not sure where to start, but I'll try not to make it long.

I've been a top student my whole life. Studying was, for me, about the competition and the thrill of trying to come first AND the reward of achieving that. I studied because it was the only thing I was really good at. At first, it came naturally, but at high school I needed to work hard for it, I used to stress more than necessary but I work better under stress and it was just fine. The upgraded difficulty made everything all the more fun.

Two years ago, during the summer before my last year at high school ( and probably one of the most important years in my carrier choice), I started to feel unwell, unmotivated, or rather apprehensive and maybe scared of the future. I didn't know back then that it was the beginning of my depression arc.

At the beginning of the next year, I tried to cheer myself up, but it didn't work for long. My grades fell drastically and my parents started to worry. I fell into a loop of being depressed for weeks, then doing bad in my exams, and as soon as I try to feel better I end up buried under the piles of cumulated work and terrible grades.

After months of struggling alone, I saw a therapist and have been officially diagnosed of having depression. I started to take medication afterward. Things didn't really go better. I ended up graduating anyway ( mainly because teachers do their best to higher our grades...). I was desparate but ended up chosing a pretty hard major for mainly 2 reasons: 1- I was still trying to heal and go back to being myself; 2- I didn't have to prepare for any test to have access to it.

It's pretty hard. My family still sees me as a genius and say that once I get better I'll immediately go back to being a top student. And I was doing fairly well at the beginning of the year when I was trying to entertain and go easy on myself. But I always end up relapsing for weeks long and losing all sense of meaning, wich makes it impossible to catch up on the backlog of work. I've been tired and scared lately.

Now, I don't think that I'm going to overcome depression in sometime soon, but I don't want to ruin my future just because of my fucked up mind. These two years are decisive and I already lost the first one.

I only have two months to rest, recharge, and catch up on last year's lessons. And next year will be tough, so I'm expected to give my best and not let my demons win again.

But I'm sure clueless about that. I pretty much tried everything to fight the evil at its roots ( beat the depression) But I'm not sure anymore about that. So I'd like to find a way to just achieve some - even little- amount of work even in these conditions. ( Because I'd like to believe that I'll live normally some day, and I don't want my future self to blame for wasting so much opportunities)

Hello,

Not sure where to start, but I'll try not to make it long.

I've been a top student my whole life. Studying was, for me, about the competition and the thrill of trying to come first AND the reward of achieving that. I studied because it was the only thing I was really good at. At first, it came naturally, but at high school I needed to work hard for it, I used to stress more than necessary but I work better under stress and it was just fine. The upgraded difficulty made everything all the more fun.

Two years ago, during the summer before my last year at high school ( and probably one of the most important years in my carrier choice), I started to feel unwell, unmotivated, or rather apprehensive and maybe scared of the future. I didn't know back then that it was the beginning of my depression arc.

At the beginning of the next year, I tried to cheer myself up, but it didn't work for long. My grades fell drastically and my parents started to worry. I fell into a loop of being depressed for weeks, then doing bad in my exams, and as soon as I try to feel better I end up buried under the piles of cumulated work and terrible grades.

After months of struggling alone, I saw a therapist and have been officially diagnosed of having depression. I started to take medication afterward. Things didn't really go better. I ended up graduating anyway ( mainly because teachers do their best to higher our grades...). I was desparate but ended up chosing a pretty hard major for mainly 2 reasons: 1- I was still trying to heal and go back to being myself; 2- I didn't have to prepare for any test to have access to it.

It's pretty hard. My family still sees me as a genius and say that once I get better I'll immediately go back to being a top student. And I was doing fairly well at the beginning of the year when I was trying to entertain and go easy on myself. But I always end up relapsing for weeks long and losing all sense of meaning, wich makes it impossible to catch up on the backlog of work. I've been tired and scared lately.

Now, I don't think that I'm going to overcome depression in sometime soon, but I don't want to ruin my future just because of my fucked up mind. These two years are decisive and I already lost the first one.

I only have two months to rest, recharge, and catch up on last year's lessons. And next year will be tough, so I'm expected to give my best and not let my demons win again.

But I'm sure clueless about that. I pretty much tried everything to fight the evil at its roots ( beat the depression) But I'm not sure anymore about that. So I'd like to find a way to just achieve some - even little- amount of work even in these conditions. ( Because I'd like to believe that I'll live normally some day, and I don't want my future self to blame for wasting so much opportunities)

Hello,

Not sure where to start, but I'll try not to make it long.

I've been a top student my whole life. Studying was, for me, about the competition and the thrill of trying to come first AND the reward of achieving that. I studied because it was the only thing I was really good at. At first, it came naturally, but at high school I needed to work hard for it, I used to stress more than necessary but I work better under stress and it was just fine. The upgraded difficulty made everything all the more fun.

Two years ago, during the summer before my last year at high school ( and probably one of the most important years in my carrier choice), I started to feel unwell, unmotivated, or rather apprehensive and maybe scared of the future. I didn't know back then that it was the beginning of my depression arc.

At the beginning of the next year, I tried to cheer myself up, but it didn't work for long. My grades fell drastically and my parents started to worry. I fell into a loop of being depressed for weeks, then doing bad in my exams, and as soon as I try to feel better I end up buried under the piles of cumulated work and terrible grades.

After months of struggling alone, I saw a therapist and have been officially diagnosed of having depression. I started to take medication afterward. Things didn't really go better. I ended up graduating anyway ( mainly because teachers do their best to higher our grades...). I was desparate but ended up chosing a pretty hard major for mainly 2 reasons: 1- I was still trying to heal and go back to being myself; 2- I didn't have to prepare for any test to have access to it.

It's pretty hard. My family still sees me as a genius and say that once I get better I'll immediately go back to being a top student. And I was doing fairly well at the beginning of the year when I was trying to entertain and go easy on myself. But I always end up relapsing for weeks long and losing all sense of meaning, wich makes it impossible to catch up on the backlog of work. I've been tired and scared lately.

Now, I don't think that I'm going to overcome depression in sometime soon, but I don't want to ruin my future just because of my fucked up mind. These two years are decisive and I already lost the first one.

I only have two months to rest, recharge, and catch up on last year's lessons. And next year will be tough, so I'm expected to give my best and not let my demons win again.

But I'm sure clueless about that. I pretty much tried everything to fight the evil at its roots ( beat the depression) But I'm not sure anymore about that. So I'd like to find a way to just achieve some - even little- amount of work even in these conditions. ( Because I'd like to believe that I'll live normally some day, and I don't want my future self to blame for wasting so much opportunities)

I'm tired, suffocating, exhausted, lonely, sad.

Everything feels distant, everyone feels distant. I'm crumbling. And I don't wanna be a burden anymore. But I don't know how to deal with things alone. I'm sick of people, sick of complaining, sick of being alone, sick of surviving, sick of trying. I don't wanna deceive them anymore, but I just can't. I'm utterly ruined, forever.

Well. Hi everyone.

I'm kinda new to this whole sharing on reddit (or social media in general) thing. But I'm a bit clueless and I don't know. I feel that if I don't talk to anyone I'm gonna suffocate. My mind is bombarded with thoughts the whole time. And I'm afraid I might act on them. I used to talk to my therapist and family. But recently I just can't. I can't reformulate my thoughts out loud. I just feel numb and paralysed. And after 2 years of dealing unsuccessfully with depression and even starting to feel better, I'm going down again. And I can't bring myself to fight anymore. Like I'm just numb and tired and sooo much tired. My mind is only playing one symphony; "I'm not living long anyway". And since then I find it quite useless to open up to others or even try to keep up with the small gestures and activities I was trying to hold up to so that I can have something from my old self for when I would eventually get better - not that I believe that I will.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense. Can anyone relate?