u/CuddlesWithCthulhu

Two months ago I made a post about seeing no reason to resist this addiction when I saw no hope for a better life in my circumstances.

Well, three weeks ago I had a mental and emotional breakdown due to things I can't describe here. It's also culminated in things I can't describe, but it's been a profound three weeks.

I felt such deep and complete lovesickness and grief. I just wanted to curl up and expire. But since i couldn't, I wrote 3/4s of a novel I was working on, finished it, and published in roughly 10 days on top of starting work on another project. Writing and creativity is generally how I process and vent extreme emotions.

Since then, I haven't looked at porn or masturbated and I've had a physical reaction to a dream only one time.

I don't know if it means anything or if it's just another mid-life crisis deal of a lonely neckbeard, but I'd really like to believe it's some kick in the ass from God or some sort of spiritual awakening.

If any of you are believers in anything, I'd really appreciate some prayers because I don't know when this thing is going to fully go away but I know I don't want to go back to being who i was. I just don't see much on the path ahead of me and that makes me afraid. But I'm trying.

I've had a rough ride over the last four years. After an existential breakdown I tried SSRIs which completely robbed me of my imagination and emotions but gave me nothing in return. For years I've shuffled in and out of rabid anxiety, blankness, and anhedonia.

I'm an author, and recently I developed a fixation and self-inserted myself into a world just for fun. But I fell into this world and self so hard and fast. I became a talented musician trying to win the love of my life and before I knew, one night when a part of the story was over I was weeping, totally grieving this life I could never have, this person I could never be and this love I could never hold. For days now i've been writing non-stop, wanting only to be in this world with the people I love. And when I'm not I've been listening to music that takes me into the world and i've just been bawling my eyes out, wracked with sobs.

I'm in a severe existential depression and all i can do is obsessively think about this book i'm writing and this world and the person in it that i want to be with so badly.

I know this isn't healthy. i can see myself spiraling into a devastating pit of mental illness from the outside. But on the inside, I want this more than anything. I've been thanking God for giving me my emotions back. It's been driving me to create and that feels like the only goal of my existence now.

Maladaptively, I'm also fixated on the idea that the next book will be the one that makes me rich and famous and changes my life, but of course I know that's all a lie too. Just a fiction made up by my sick brain.

But guys, I just want this so badly. It's so much better than the real world. I want to curl up in this fantasy and wither up and die. If there's an afterlife, I pray God would allow me to wake up in this world I've created. And if there's not, then we all die anyway and there isn't much in my life worth living for anyway.

It's just brutal and I had to share this with the only people in the world that I feel might understand. Bless you all.