u/Curi0u5M1nd

My (40F) ex (32M) had multiple affairs, constantly lied to me to cover up his tracks, made me mistrust my own perception of reality and turned out to be a master manipulator.

I was so delusional in my love that I believed his words of wanting to repair and fix what he broke when I found out after the first year of our 2.5 years relationship. But he was also that good convincing me, it’s a bit scary thinking about that.

Turns out, he just wanted to protect his image to the outside. I was stupid enough trying to protect the relationship by not really talking about what happened openly. When I was so emotionally drained by this process that he in turn neglected more and more, I started to suspect he was already into a new affair. Because I couldn’t fully trust him again a year after I found out (shocker), he „wasn’t feeling it anymore“ and wanted to break-up.

Brainwashed me was still hanging on to hopes and dreams at this point, even though my mental and physical health had deteriorated the year prior due to my desperate fight to regain my sense of reality that he had shattered.

When I met him all of his friends (also women) told me about his unhinged Ex (spoiler: he also cheated on her but nobody knew I believe) and how he was this honest amazing guy that just couldn’t stand up for himself in the relationship.

I am usually cautious when I hear someone talk about a „crazy ex“, but because it was so many people giving the same version, I believed it. The whole friend group basically unknowingly (?) gaslit me, because in public he really is this guy: fun, helpful, friendly, easy-going, emotionally aware, empathetic, …
And when nobody else was watching he could turn into a completely different person with aggressive verbal outbursts.

Now in our break-up it’s a similar dynamic, his close circle only sees how he behaves like a good samaritan, being very generous with giving me time to find a new apartment while he stays with friends.
Where I live it can take a while due to the housing market, but after 4months I finally found something and will be moving into my new place end of next month.

Until then I have to play nice so the financial hit I am taking with starting over won’t grow even more. It’s torture on the inside, I just want to scream.
We are meeting in a couple days to hash out the last logistics of separating our stuff and my moving out.

He has put on this smooth friendly facade towards me in the recent weeks, being extra nice and helpful and I don’t buy it, but when we communicate it’s hard not to fall into wanting to believe, that this part of him was also real and not just a tactic.
I suspect right now it’s to distract me from yet another lie and keeping me calm so I don’t openly call him out.
I don’t think his friends know the full story, I believe he is lying to them as well to keep up his appearance.

I feel in order to regain my sense of reality I need to know the full truth of what was going on this past year, but I don’t think he would give me that.

I would love some input on:

How would you go about this situation if you also needed to know the full truth?

If you are someone who can just let it go, because it’s already clear who he is, one more uncovered lie doesn’t change that: how do you let go, what helps you?

What do you think about informing the women in his circle of friends about what actually has been going on so they don’t inadvertently gaslight the next woman by his side to believe he is so honest and loving?

What are your thoughts on warning the suspected next woman directly about him, because he could have told her all lies as well? (I have a suspicion who it might be, a work colleague, and that it had been going on even before the break-up. Till now he denies there is anyone else.)

TL;DR My serial cheating and chronically untruthful ex is putting on his best nice guy facade while I am in the process of moving into my new apartment. I don’t think any of his friends really know what happened, they portray him as honest and loving.
I suspect there had already been another woman again before the break-up.
How do I find out the full truth of what went on or how do I let go and accept never knowing?
Thoughts on informing the women in his life so they can stop gaslighting the next woman by his side about him?
Thoughts on reaching out to the suspected latest affair/new woman to give her some insight?

My (40f) ex (32m) had multiple affairs, constantly lied to me to cover up his tracks, made me mistrust my own perception of reality and turned out to be a master manipulator.

I was so delusional in my love that I believed his words of wanting to repair and fix what he broke when I found out after the first year of our 2.5J relationship. But he was also that good convincing me, it’s a bit scary thinking about that.

Turns out, he just wanted to protect his image to the outside. I was stupid enough trying to protect the relationship by not really talking about what happened openly. When I was so emotionally drained by this process that he in turn neglected more and more, I started to suspect he was already into a new affair. Because I couldn’t fully trust him again a year after I found out (shocker), he „wasn’t feeling it anymore“ and wanted to break-up.

Brainwashed me was still hanging on to hopes and dreams at this point, even though my mental and physical health had deteriorated the year prior due to my desperate fight to regain my sense of reality that he had shattered.

When I met him all of his friends (also women) told me about his unhinged Ex (spoiler: he also cheated on her but nobody knew I believe) and how he was this honest amazing guy that just couldn’t stand up for himself in the relationship.

I am usually cautious when I hear someone talk about a „crazy ex“, but because it was so many people giving the same version, I believed it. The whole friend group basically unknowingly (?) gaslit me, because in public he really is this guy: fun, helpful, friendly, easy-going, emotionally aware, empathetic, …
And when nobody else was watching he could turn into a completely different person with aggressive verbal outbursts.

Now in our break-up it’s a similar dynamic, his close circle only sees how he behaves like a good samaritan, being very generous with giving me time to find a new apartment while he stays with friends.
Where I live it can take a while due to the housing market, but after 4months I finally found something and will be moving into my new place end of next month.

Until then I have to play nice so the financial hit I am taking with starting over won’t grow even more. It’s torture on the inside, I just want to scream.
We are meeting in a couple days to hash out the last logistics of separating our stuff and my moving out.

He has put on this smooth friendly facade towards me in the recent weeks, being extra nice and helpful and I don’t buy it, but when we communicate it’s hard not to fall into wanting to believe, that this part of him was also real and not just a tactic.
I suspect right now it’s to distract me from yet another lie and keeping me calm so I don’t openly call him out.
I don’t think his friends know the full story, I believe he is lying to them as well to keep up his appearance.

I feel in order to regain my sense of reality I need to know the full truth of what was going on this past year, but I don’t think he would give me that.

I would love some input on:

How would you go about this situation if you also needed to know the full truth?

If you are someone who can just let it go, because it’s already clear who he is, one more uncovered lie doesn’t change that: how do you let go, what helps you?

Would you inform at least the women in his circle of friends about what actually has been going on so they don’t inadvertently gaslight the next woman by his side to believe he is so honest and loving?

Would you warn the suspected next woman directly about him, because he could have told her all lies as well? (I have a suspicion who it might be, a work colleague, and that it had been going on even before the break-up. Till now he denies there is anyone else.)

TL;DR My serial cheating and chronically untruthful ex is putting on his best nice guy facade while I am in the process of moving into my new apartment. I don’t think any of his friends really know what happened, they portray him as honest and loving.
I suspect there had already been another woman again before the break-up.
How do I find out the full truth of what went on or how do I let go and accept never knowing?
Should I inform the women in his life so they can stop gaslighting the next woman by his side about him?
Should I reach out to the suspected latest affair/new woman to give her some insight?