Being an avoidant and leaving an avoidant is a weird situation.
The only thing looping through my mind right now is how I wish I could go back and apologize for my part in how everything went down.
I know they cared, and that I hurt them.
I can't apologize for the pseudo-discard, I can't apologize for pulling away--nothing.
We were both avoidant in two different stages of healing/awareness and I'm worried I'm the reason they'll never heal
It is okay to talk about how your avoidant treated you. For anyone with a similar moral dilemma as me, remember that talking about the shit someone did, is not the same as talking shit.
I recently started talking about what my avoidant and I went through to mutual friends, and I've gotten nothing but support, solidarity and--believe it or not--mutual understanding.
My avoidant wasn't just avoidant with me, and other people started to notice/feel it too. We were all in isolated bubbles of 'what's even happening right now?' and 'am I the only one noticing these changes in this person?!' until we all started talking and realizing 'oh, this isn't an us problem, this is a them problem'
We're allowed to tell our stories and we don't owe silence to people that have hurt us.
Even if your avoidant is/was a genuine person, and you could see goodness underneath their avoidant traits--that doesn't mean you cannot talk about how they hurt you. You can.
Hello!
I'm living in CLE for the summer and in looking for things to do, I am wondering if there's anyone that knows of a harp and/or guitar teacher that offers lessons to adults for the summer?
For guitar specifically, I am a beginner and I would honestly be happy to learn from anyone willing to help me muddle through the basics
I'm not in the best financial place right now, so cost *is* something I'm worried about when pursuing music lessons.
Any help is much appreciated!!
Thanks!!
Hello!
Recently moved here and I keep seeing these spiders everywhere.
Why are they everywhere?
Is there a way to get rid of them?
Are they harmful at all?
I've never had as many spiders in my house as I've had the past few months of living in CLE (and I've moved around and lived in a lot of different houses/places/climates)
Edit: for size reference, these spiders could sit on a coin. I've seen some quarter-sized, others are dime-sized.
FA here
Many unhealed avoidants don't have the same 'reflective' mechanisms that anxious/secure people have
They don't replay things that people have told them, or have moments of 'oh my God, they were right'
The only narrative that an unhealed avoidant adheres to (especially in the deactivation stage) is the one they create themselves.
Unhealed avoidants are like overgrown toddlers. You can't make us do anything if we don't want to.
Having a 'last conversation' might bring you closure, and it might make you feel better--but it won't do anything for us.
What can you do instead of using words?
Say something like 'this relationship is unhealthy' and then leave and focus on your own healing.
The impetus for an avoidant to heal usually comes from being totally alone. When our avoidance has pushed everyone away, and we have to sit in the silence we created.
(But remember: we lack 'reflective' mechanisms. We will not remember or reflect on words. We'll reflect on the feelings of safety we got from the people that we pushed away)
I'm a healing FA in recovery from a DA
Do anxious/non-avoidant people realize they need therapy too, and that an insecure attachment style (even if it isn't avoidant) is what makes it hard to move on, or explains why someone might be prone to falling for the anxious/avoidant trap or makes you feel like your avoidant was 'the one' (even though they weren't)?
FAs characteristically have both anxious and avoidant traits, and I do experience both sides of the spectrum. I've been the one chasing, sending paragraphs, begging, etc. and I've also been the one pulling away, nitpicking, ghosting, etc.
Therapy, doing inner work and breaking behavioural patterns isn't just for the avoidants--everyone needs it.
I've seen a lot of confusion about what exactly an avoidant avoids
The answer: EVERYTHING.
Avoidants don't just avoid you. They can avoid themselves, their families, friends--anyone and anything that requires vulnerability and/or accountability
Superficial relationships are the easiest to maintain. Once any relationship (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) requires vulnerability and/or accountability? The avoidant will struggle.
I'm an FA in the process of healing and I was with an unhealed DA.
I watched my DA avoid their family for months because they were avoiding the 'you haven't called us in a long time!' conversation
My DA avoided me when things became 'too real'
Is any of this behaviour good/healthy?
No
But it isn't as selective as it seems. It isn't just you that's being avoided, discarded, etc.