The River that Flows in You

The river that flows in you never stops until you take your last breath. That river is your life.

And the thing about rivers is that they are surrounded by the boundless possibilities of nature—the possibilities of beauty, growth, and adversity. When a river encounters hardship, whether it's rocks, fallen branches, or unexpected turns, it can feel like it's being forced in the wrong direction.

It can feel like something is pushing against the current that was always meant to carry it forward.

This year, I learned that there will always be reasons to be sad. There will always be reasons to make yourself sadder. You can paint yourself as a victim. You can convince yourself that you've spent your whole life swimming against the current, living a life harder than everyone else's.

But I learned that the world is not out to get you. And even if it sometimes feels like it is, you don't have to live as like it is.

In the last 6 months, I lost both of my grandmothers, leaving me with no grandparents. I lost two vital pieces of my childhood, and I'll never get them back. I don't think anyone truly understood how much that loss affected me. If I'm being honest, I don't think I understood it either.

The losses came at times when there wasn't even room to process them. Life was still moving. A few days would pass, and everything carried on. No one was waiting for me to pick myself up, because even though my world had fallen apart, everyone else's was continuing from one thing to the next. And I felt like I was being dragged by the current.

The thing about being dragged is that you're moving at everyone else's pace but your own. You're getting pushed along whether you're ready or not. You bump into rocks. You crash into things. Sometimes you're just trying to keep your head above water.

For me, I was struggling to stay afloat while being carried by the force of life: family, friends, responsibilities, school, clubs, career plans, classes, meetings, eating, getting out of bed, existing.

Because I never truly gave myself time to process my feelings, I fell into an endless pit of sadness. I was sad all the time. Every little thing bothered me because I felt like I had been dealt a terrible hand. Or at least, that was the story I kept telling myself.

What I realize now is that you can keep swimming with the current even after you've been hit. Bad things happen. They always have, and they always will. But you get to choose how you live with them.

You get to choose how you respond to them.

You get to choose how they define your life.

And look, I get it. Some things are incredibly difficult to deal with. Some losses and hardships are far worse than others. But you still have the power to shape your life into what you want it to be. Sometimes even a small shift in perspective can carry you farther than you think.

As someone who became a little too familiar with negativity this year, I don't recommend it. It's not a fun place to visit, and it's an even worse place to stay. For me, it felt like a year-long vacation that I couldn't escape.

My biggest takeaway from all the loss and sadness I've experienced is this: life is too short.

Life is too short because anything can change in an instant. The people you love won't always be here. The moments you take for granted won't always be waiting for you. You have to cherish them while you can.

But life is also too short to convince yourself that you deserve to be sad. It's too short to believe you're destined to be miserable. It's too short to spend your days obsessing over things that don't matter when you could be focusing on what does.

When I say, "You get to choose how they define your life," this is what I mean.

I took the losses I experienced this year, processed my feelings, and turned them into something I could learn from. Something I could grow from.

Now I know I have a choice.

I have the power.

And I've learned that the only thing truly holding me back is myself.

There might be rocks, fallen branches or sharp turns in my river, but it doesn't mean I have to stop moving forward. And even if I do need to stop for a while, I never have to go backward.

I can rest.

I can catch my breath.

I do not need to be dragged by others. It’s okay to say “you guys go ahead, I’ll catch up. I’m right behind you” because your loved ones will never leave without you.

So focus on swimming at your own pace and remember you don’t have to go back.

no one prepares you

no one ever prepares you for changes that have their own timeline. in this case, i’m talking about aging. i am so young or so i tell myself. and i kept telling myself until my body decided otherwise.

i have looked a certain way my whole life. i was criticized for it, but i grew to love it. there were times people were concerned. there were times where even i was concerned, but it didn't matter because i was young, and atleast i wasn’t fat. atleast i didn’t carry fat rolls or carry endless amounts of stretch marks creating all these imperfections. i didn’t have a tummy sagging over my pants. i could still wear all my pants. i could still button them. zip them up, or even simply just get them over my legs. 

no one ever prepares you to see the perfect bodies of girls online. no one prepares you to see your friends with excellent bodies. no one ever prepares you for the day you can’t eat. no one prepares you for the day where anything that enters your mouth becomes a calorie count, not food. no one prepares you for eating to stop being a joy but now carefully curated task just to fuel ur body but no more. too much and you won’t fit into those pants anymore. they won’t button. they won’t zip. they won’t even go up your legs.

i feel the judgement. and no it’s not just the judgement from others, but the judgement from myself. i feel the negative thoughts with every bite i take. “you should stop now, you’ll just get fat”. the wishes that my eating anxiety would return and i can be forced to be skinny even if it means i’m unhealthy. even if it means i can’t even eat at all period. i would do anything. just anything to bring me back to how i was. 

if there’s one thing i thought god blessed me with as a luxury, it was my body. i had curves, i had a skinny waist, thick (but not too thick) thighs, tiny wrists, tiny ankles, cute little fingers. i was cute, i was petite, and ofc not too short. i was perfect. i may of had imperfections, but they weren’t as significant to me because everything else stood taller. 

i know that my body doesn’t look the same. i know that it might never look the same. i know that is a tough pill to swallow. but it isn’t even the worst part. if you ask me why i lay in bed crying sobbing and losing my mind over this, it’s the thought that i did this to myself. if i hadn’t drank as many sodas, or ate a little less junk. if i had got my lazy ass to the gym earlier. maybe this wouldn’t have happened. hell i know it wouldn’t have happened. but now that it’s done. and i know it’s going to be hell to reach a place where im even satisfied with my body. and to think, i put myself in this hell with everything else ive had going on. oh god i wonder what the hell i did to deserve this. to have been the reason for my own personal hell. and you might think this is an exaggeration. me calling it a hell. but if you have lived a day in my life. to see the beauty standards. to hear what people are saying. to see my old pictures. to stepping on the scale every time i think about my weight gain. to watching the numbers continue to climb up without looking back. to watch my body lose everything it once had. to lose the one luxury i thought god gave me. 

i know i sound ungrateful. i know you might say i’m spoiled. fine. i might be, but everyone fights their own battles and whether you understand or not. this has been one of my toughest battles where starting to win is a painfully slow process when the loss is in your face everyday.

i know i can’t have my old body back. i know that. but i know i will try to navigate my new body the way i want it to be. i’m truly sorry to anyone who has had to go through something similar. i’m truly sorry for people who don’t even have the body i have and would wish anything for it. im truly sorry to those who might not even have the things i think to be so normal like an arm or a leg because god bless you, and i hope you have found peace in what god gave you just as i hope i find mine. 

i’m not saying i am valid in being upset about 20 something pounds and calling it a personal hell. but i sure as hell am valid in feeling the feelings i feel because i am only human. and we all struggle with things and this seems to be one that i know i will be dealing with for life.

that being said. it’s true no one ever prepared me but i am going to try my best to be happy and work for the change that i want to see.

i'm dumb. well, i'm not smart. i'm not smart compared to my friends. i struggle. i lie and say i'm doing well, when deep down i know i'm not. if people knew the real me, they would laugh and pity me for being as stupid as i am. i feel like my friends see me for the dumb person that i am. i feel like they have x-ray vision and they can see the vulnerable little girl with half a brain just shaking and trembling, yet they're nice so they pretend like i'm smart. they go with my lies because they know i need them to. they group me with them when we all know i don't fit in. they allow me to study with them knowing damn well that i have no contributions to make. because we all know. they know. i know. i know im dumb. they don't tell me i'm dumb, but i know when they don't ask me for help. they don't want to work with me through problems. they get surprised when i get good scores, so i know. and i know i can't do what they can. i feel like i work twice as hard and get half the scores they do. i'm not good at anything they are good at. maybe i am dumb. or maybe they make me think i'm dumb, so that makes me dumb. maybe it makes me think im dumb so i end up being dumber than i actually am. maybe it makes me seem like im the dumbest in the group. maybe i really am just that dumb. maybe im just blaming them. because im just all messed up. i'll never be as smart as them. i know that. my brain doesn't work the way their's do. but i've come to terms with that. it's really okay. 

im sorry that i'm not as smart as you. im sorry if im the lightweight in group work. im sorry if i've slowed you down or made you seem dumb. but i thought we were friends. i thought that maybe that meant something. or maybe it's that you don't actually value me. maybe you're just jealous of me and want to hurt me with ur snarky comments. or maybe you just don't like me at all and this is all just a big old joke. maybe im the joke.

you hurt me today. i know you laughed and kept building it on like a joke, but every joke was a knife digging deeper and deeper. i felt like every insecurity i'd ever believed be true and worked my whole life to overcome became my reality. my pain and vulnerability were spilling out all because you cut deep.

you broke me today. maybe it wasn't all you. in fact, it wasn't. it was you that pushed me over the edge. it was you who had made me feel this way all this time. to think we were friends, to think we are friends. love me or love me not. thanks for this. i needed a good cry. i needed to let it all out. so thank you. 

but you still hurt me. you made me feel so small. smaller than i've felt in a long time. you made me believe the intrusive thoughts to be true because you, made me feel dumb. dumber than dumb. you made me feel like the dumbest. 

beautiful moments.

life is no walk in the park. there's always reminders of our darkest times around every corner, and one way or another, they will always find you—no matter how hard you try to hide. and if you do choose to hide, you're hiding from all that could be. all that can make you happy.

in our happiest moments, it's no secret that darkness still lingers. in a second, the darkness can sneak up on you. so, i guess you can say there is always a reason to be sad. and by our luck, it often feels harder to find reasons to be happy. and when you are sad, you might try to think of all the reasons why you should be happy, but it can sink you deeper—making you question why you feel this way at all and leaving you with guilt for simply being sad in the first place.

i get it. i get feeling like absolute dog shit. i get feeling like life is just a void of nothingness and wondering why you keep going. i get hating the way you feel and wanting nothing more than to just feel normal. i get making mistakes that leave no room for faith. i get feeling like a failure while everyone else seems to be thriving. i get seeing those you love in pain and feeling helpless. and i get seeing people achieve your dreams while you just keep getting knocked down.

so, why do we do it? why do we keep going when this god-awful feeling keeps coming back? and that seems to be the question of the hour. maybe of the year. or maybe more like life.

we do it for ourselves. we do it so we can reach all the points in our lives that we dream of. every one of us has a future, and we keep going to get there. no, not every moment is beautiful, but the ones that are speak volumes. we tell the stories of the good times to remind us of what life was and what it can be. we keep going because these beautiful moments are the reasons that life is worth living.

as cheesy as it may be, every storm is followed by clear skies and sometimes rainbows. now bear with me while i take this analogy for a spin. it's true that storms are scary and can cause harm. it's true that they can leave behind damage. however, after the storm has passed, in those clear skies, you pick up the pieces left behind and rebuild. you rebuild stronger this time because you know what went wrong last time. and in these clear skies, your loved ones are waiting to welcome you with open arms to create these beautiful moments.

we do it because beautiful moments remind us how to love and help us love. to love ourselves, our people, and our lives. it's important, when you feel down, to remember that this too shall pass, and beautiful moments are waiting for you. you have made it out before, and this time shall be no different.

life is no walk in the park. there's always reminders of our darkest times around every corner, and one way or another, they will always find you—no matter how hard you try to hide. and if you do choose to hide, you're hiding from all that could be. all that can make you happy.

in our happiest moments, it's no secret that darkness still lingers. in a second, the darkness can sneak up on you. so, i guess you can say there is always a reason to be sad. and by our luck, it often feels harder to find reasons to be happy. and when you are sad, you might try to think of all the reasons why you should be happy, but it can sink you deeper—making you question why you feel this way at all and leaving you with guilt for simply being sad in the first place.

i get it. i get feeling like absolute dog shit. i get feeling like life is just a void of nothingness and wondering why you keep going. i get hating the way you feel and wanting nothing more than to just feel normal. i get making mistakes that leave no room for faith. i get feeling like a failure while everyone else seems to be thriving. i get seeing those you love in pain and feeling helpless. and i get seeing people achieve your dreams while you just keep getting knocked down.

so, why do we do it? why do we keep going when this god-awful feeling keeps coming back? and that seems to be the question of the hour. maybe of the year. or maybe more like life.

we do it for ourselves. we do it so we can reach all the points in our lives that we dream of. every one of us has a future, and we keep going to get there. no, not every moment is beautiful, but the ones that are speak volumes. we tell the stories of the good times to remind us of what life was and what it can be. we keep going because these beautiful moments are the reasons that life is worth living.

as cheesy as it may be, every storm is followed by clear skies and sometimes rainbows. now bear with me while i take this analogy for a spin. it's true that storms are scary and can cause harm. it's true that they can leave behind damage. however, after the storm has passed, in those clear skies, you pick up the pieces left behind and rebuild. you rebuild stronger this time because you know what went wrong last time. and in these clear skies, your loved ones are waiting to welcome you with open arms to create these beautiful moments.

we do it because beautiful moments remind us how to love and help us love. to love ourselves, our people, and our lives. it's important, when you feel down, to remember that this too shall pass, and beautiful moments are waiting for you. you have made it out before, and this time shall be no different.

i love you, and i am here for you always. and when your storm passes, i will be waiting to create our beautiful moments together under the clear skies and rainbows. never feel scared to reach out. i am always ready to listen and be a friend.