u/CuriousCGuy

We were married 15+ years, separated for a year and now finalizing the divorce. My now former wife comes from a large family of 8. I was close with them. I don't think the marriage failing was on one person. I feel I acknowledged, took responsibility for my part and apologized many times. She was unwilling to acknowledge and take responsibility for her part and ultimately decided not to try anymore.

During the separation I feel she said things that are not true about me to get people to take her side. Specifically to her parents and siblings. There has been some drama on her side of the family. As far as I know her siblings didn't believe the accusations she made about me. Her siblings saw the involvement of her parents was toxic. From what I've been told her parents told their children they will cut them off from the family if they talk to me. It seems she is not talking to her siblings because they didn't believe the things she said about me.

Her parents have not been amicable towards me. My family has been and continues to be amicable to her and all of her family. Her siblings have been amicable towards my siblings. I genuinely feel bad for the situation she has created for herself. On top of all that I think her lawyer has done a poor job for her and her bill is growing daily.

I feel bad for her and want to give her some advice to help her. But I know she wouldn't listen to anything I would tell her. Feeling bad for her and sad that there is so much drama and tension on her side of the family. I miss her siblings and former nieces and nephews.

I've thought about reaching out to her siblings but don't want to create anymore drama.

What do you think?

For me practicing mindfulness has been very helpful and I'm seeking more ways to practice. I have found to have specific activities during the day the trigger me to think just about the activity I am doing and nothing else. For example, in the morning when I put on my socks and shoes I usually sit on the steps when I do this and that reminds me to just think about putting on my socks and shoes as I do that. One day as I was doing this my mind went to when were socks invented and who invented them? Socks are amazing and I couldn't imagine life without them. I try doing this with other activities as well. But hoping to get more thoughts and ideas from the community.

I'm a 40/M that was married for 14+ years. We were separated for 15 months before we finalized the divorce. Here are some lessons for both men and women.

1. If you are questioning if you should get divorced or not it's not over and you shouldn't give up. Especially if you are posting on reddit asking strangers what they think. When it's time to get divorced there are no questions or doubt if you should. It is clear.

2. You don't want to have any regrets. Before calling it quits make sure you gave it your best to make the marriage work. It is worth it and it will give you acceptance and peace of mind knowing you did the best you could.

3. Divorce does not define you. Divorce stinks, it's tragic, it's hard and it's sad. But don't let it define you.

4. Let yourself grieve. Focus on healing and rebuilding yourself. Don't hold on to your pain. Don't hold on to resentment. Move on and don't let anyone hurt you.

5. Document everything you can. Always be respectful. Be amicable even if your former spouse or others are not. Focus on the facts and don't get caught up in emotions or drama.

6. You have the choice and power of how you show up in life.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It is sad how many preventable divorces there are. How many strained and sour marriages there are.

For the Men: Just like there are laws of nature like gravity there are laws of marriage. Men play the masculine role. The leader, the influencer and the spark of the relationship. Men should chase and win the woman. They should cherish, love, appreciate, support and protect the wife. Women want to be seen, heard and understood. The better place you are in as a human and man the better your relationship can be. Women want Men to intuitively know what to say and what to do and take care of them. Men are usually clueless about this. You need to seek this out and find out what she wants and needs. When she is critical of you and she will be. Don't take it personally. Hear her words and don't take them personally.

For the Women: Men are simple. They want to make their wife happy. They want to be respected, appreciated and they want sex. Unfortunately too many Men are clueless and don't know how to be a good husband. They don't know how to make their wife happy. This leads to feeling less than. It stops Men from leading and taking charge. They become scared of taking action. They then feel disrespected and unappreciated. This leads to shutting down and retreating. Ladies you have so much power and influence in the relationship. Build on the positive. Let your husband know what you like about him and respect. When he does something you like tell me. In a loving and kind way you can tell him something you would like and appreciate. For example, if you want him to bring in the empty garbage cans. Tell him how much you would appreciate if he did and remind him. When he does it let me him know. If you are tired and exhausted and want take out. Tell him how much you would appreciate it if he would order dinner tonight.

Hope this is helpful. Feel free to add your thoughts.