u/Cxly

Hey! I'm not necessarily new to Portsmouth (been here for ~1yr now), just getting out of a bit of a rut.

I'm a bit of a nerd (card games, DND) who loves rock & metal and was looking for spots in the area that are fun and where I can meet people!

I was also looking at getting into a sporting club, it would be absolutely perfect if anyone has any clubs they recommend or have been to in the past.

If anyone has any recommendations, I would greatly appreciate it! :)

Around COVID, I had a pretty big phase where I was convinced that if I wasn't 'the best' at something, I was worthless, as I spent so much time indoors and failing in all other categories of life that it would be 'failing' to be anything less than perfect at the things I enjoyed.

I was really into multiplayer games at the time, as well as programming, but I ended up ruining my enjoyment with this mindset, as I would give myself major anxiety over even starting to get better, as I would be scared of being perceived as even slightly worse than my peers.

I spent a lot of time in this rut, thinking 'if I can't get to a senior industry level at programming during university, I'm useless', or 'if I can't get to X rank in this game, I'm useless', which completely sapped my enjoyment of anything I tried, as I couldn't get it out of my head that my free time was my free time and not work, and I would beat myself up if I couldn't meet the arbitrary targets that I was setting, or if I couldn't start due to my anxiety.

Fast forward to now, roughly ~6 years later, and I'm definitely better than I was. However, I still cannot enjoy my hobbies, and I can't tell why. I'm still interested in multiplayer games as well as card games, and I've been trying to get outside more and be more social.

When it comes to doing any of the things I like, though, if it's even slightly competitive, or is outwardly skill expressive, I get this deep pit in my chest/a suffocating feeling and feel like I shouldn't, even if consciously I want to, if that makes sense? It's like, I want to do that thing. However, when I actually come to it, I get some kind of a physical aversion within my body which makes me feel like if I actually sit down to do this thing, I'm going to feel terrible. If I force myself to do the thing, embarrassingly, I either genuinely get full-body shakes throughout the whole thing, or just generally feel terrible inside, making it hard to actually enjoy the thing I'm doing.

It's really difficult, because I've got so many things that I'd love to learn or get better at, or at least I think I do? But it's so hard to tell if I actually like them, or if I'm just trying to get better at them to feel better about myself. It's caused me to become very stagnant in my interests, as I can't try new things without getting this 'pitting feeling' the moment I get too into it.

Nowadays, I have what feels like zero interests outside of TV and movies, as they're safe, and I tend to prefer to either watch my friends or other people play the games/do the things I like, as it reduces my anxiety, but, consciously, I hate it. I want to do the things I like, but I just can't force myself to get any enjoyment out of them, and I can't tell if this is some deep-seated hatred I'm not consciously perceiving, or something else.

Not sure if this will resonate with anyone, or if anyone has experienced the same thing, but I'm really stuck here and I can't figure it out. I've been 'stuck' like this for years now, and I want to learn new things, but I'm so scared, and I'm so scared that I'm going to stay like this forever. If anyone has any recommendations, or can direct me to where I can get some help, I would appreciate it more than you could know! I just want to be able to enjoy my interests again without feeling like I'm choking.