u/Da_Optimmal

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I'm 18, and I've been dealing with anxiety for years, but the past several months have been especially difficult. I'm not diagnosed with anything yet, so I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me. I'm actually going to talk to a college counselor very soon, and hopefully I'll eventually see a doctor too. I mostly want to share what's been happening and hear from people who have experienced something similar. My anxiety started when I was around 9 years old. It has come and gone in different periods of my life, but I've noticed that certain years and periods were significantly worse than others. I've had periods where I felt relatively okay, followed by periods where anxiety suddenly became extremely intense again.

Recently I've been experiencing what I call "waves." Sometimes the anxiety gets really intense for a while and then eventually settles down. Other times it's more of a background feeling that never completely seems to disappear. One of the strangest things for me is how many seemingly random things can trigger it.

Sometimes I'll be watching a completely normal video and a random scene will suddenly make me anxious. There doesn't necessarily seem to be anything objectively scary about the scene. It can be something as simple as a certain transition, visual, sound, or moment that suddenly gives me that anxious feeling, like anything can be a trigger temporarly and it dismotivates me when I feel better... I've started wondering if my brain has learned associations between certain types of content and anxiety. Sometimes I think the trigger itself isn't even the biggest problem anymore. I'll notice that something made me anxious and then start monitoring myself:

"Was that a trigger?" "Am I getting anxious?" "Why did that scene make me feel weird?" "What if it happens again?"

Then I become even more anxious.

I've also noticed that social media seems to have a huge influence on my anxiety. I've spent years using social media a lot, especially short-form content, and I've noticed that certain types of videos, topics, and random content can trigger me. I'm trying to understand whether constantly consuming rapidly changing content has made me more hyper-alert or sensitive to certain things.

Another huge part of this is health anxiety. I tend to notice physical sensations and immediately start worrying about what they mean. If I feel weak, tired, dizzy, nauseous, have stomach problems, or just feel physically "off," my brain can immediately start analyzing it.

Then I start worrying about the worry itself.

I've also experienced a lot of brain fog. This is probably one of the most frightening parts for me.

Sometimes I can't even tell whether I'm enjoying something.

I'll be watching something I normally like or playing a game and suddenly think:

"Am I actually having fun?" "Can I still experience joy?" "Why don't I feel as excited as I used to?" "What if I never feel normal again?"

And then I start monitoring my emotions so much that I can't actually focus on the thing I'm doing.

It's almost like my brain is watching me experience something instead of actually experiencing it.

I can distract myself sometimes, and that's definitely helped, but lately I've noticed that even when I'm distracted, there can still be this anxiety running quietly in the background. It's like: Foreground: I'm playing a game or watching something.Background: "Hey. Don't forget we're anxious."

I've also wondered if my lifestyle has contributed to everything.

For about five years I was extremely isolated because of online school and circumstances in my life. I spent a huge amount of time at home, lying down, being inactive, using my phone, and having a terrible sleep schedule. I also suppressed a lot of my feelings instead of really dealing with them.

Then I moved to my aunt's house earlier this year, which was a huge life change.

For a while I felt like I was adjusting okay, but around two months after moving I started feeling extremely emotionally exhausted and my anxiety became much more noticeable.

I've wondered if I basically burned myself out after years of isolation, stress, poor sleep, inactivity, social media use, health worries, and suppressing my emotions.

I don't know if "burnout" is actually the right word, but that's how it feels.

Another thing that has been difficult is that my family is very supportive of me, and I'm extremely grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like they don't completely understand what is happening in my head.

They sometimes tell me things like "you're the only one who can help yourself" or that I'm letting my mind make me feel this way.

I understand the point they're trying to make. I know I have to participate in my own recovery. But sometimes I feel like there's a difference between choosing how I respond to anxiety and actually choosing to have anxiety in the first place.

That's one reason I'm finally getting professional help.

I have a virtual counseling appointment through my college very soon. I'm honestly nervous about it, but I'm also hopeful.

Part of my anxiety keeps telling me:

"What if therapy doesn't work?" "What if medication doesn't work if I eventually need it?" "What if I always feel like this?"

I know those are anxiety thoughts, but they still feel incredibly convincing sometimes.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.

And I want to be clear about something: I WANT TO LIVE.

Sometimes I get intrusive fears about dying, and those thoughts scare me. I think about how devastated my parents would be and how much I want to be here for them and for myself. When I say that I'm tired or that I want to "quit," I mean that I'm exhausted from dealing with these emotions—not that I want to die.

What I actually want is to live normally and happily without constantly monitoring my thoughts, body, emotions, and surroundings.

I'm also starting college very soon, which is another huge source of anxiety. I'm excited about it, but now that it's actually getting close, I'm getting cold feet.

I'm worried about getting rides, being tired, feeling weak, having anxiety at school, and whether I'll actually be able to handle everything.

At the same time, part of me is genuinely hopeful.

I've already noticed some small improvements. I've defeated certain triggers that used to scare me. Sometimes a wave happens and I can handle it better than I used to. I'm starting to recognize patterns instead of automatically believing every anxious thought.

So I guess I'm writing all of this because I'm wondering:

Has anyone else experienced anxiety like this?

Especially the random video/content triggers, the constant background anxiety, the feeling of monitoring whether you're enjoying something, the brain fog, the health worries, and the fear that you'll feel this way forever?

Did therapy eventually help you understand what was happening?

Did things gradually become easier even when you initially couldn't imagine them getting better?

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I'm mostly looking for other people's experiences and some hope that this isn't necessarily permanent.

I'm tired, but I'm still trying....I don't want to see my family suffer over me...I don't want to feel like this...and the state of the world is also something that hurts my mental health because why should I try if the world is getting worse..

And honestly, I really want to get my life back....there's so much I feel, miss and worry about....Do you guys think I have anxiety or maybe something else? I don't feel like I should feel like this. I don't know if the things I went through actually traumatized me....💚

I just need to write….try and feel better…I have to beat this…even if it's so hard at times…even if the urge to give up gets so strong too….even if I struggle to deal with how tired, broken and weak my body feels..even if anything can become a trigger and set off my hopelessness…my dark desire to quit and rot forever….It hurts me so much to be like this…knowing I cause my family suffering because of my mental state….I'm trying…God knows I am…I'm so messed up in the head…..I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND STOP THE STRUGGLES OF MY MENTAL HEALTH OH MY GOD…I JUST WANT TO BE OK….the urge to cry is so strong….I try not to infront of people…especially my parents…but it's hard….it affects my memory, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions, my courage…my concentration, it's eating at my brain & soul….it's so hard…God help me please…I just want to be ok….why do I get bursts of courage…strength and determination but the quickly stop…and my head feels foggy, fills with such worry, anxiety, boredom, dissociation, pain, nostalgia, fear, isolation and negativity…my head is stubborn…I just want to be ok…..it that too much to ask for??....I'm crying right now I just want to be ok again….why am I suffering like this?....even the modern world triggers me….COVID did so much damage to everyone…but I feel my pain…I hate this….I want to be ok but it's so hard…..it really is and I just feel so much pain…I'm so scared….what do I even have??? I haven't been diagnosed...have not gotten help....no therapy or medication...I feel so scared that when I get help it won't work....since I was 9 I've had this fright on my health...I spend 4th grade afraid of getting sick to such a horrible point...I was 9 and felt like I do now...just wow...the pain was so scary and the fright of getting sick and throwing up.....it took my whole summer to slowly get over it....the following year was amazing....then COVID made my health fears come back....then we moved and what followed was 5 years of isolation, staying in bed all day, almost never going out even after the pandemic ended...any change to my body during puberty or something I noticed made me feel like I was dying and had cancer...I had good months in some years without those fears but...I just moved again 💔 and the first 2 months were great!! Then I finally did things like get my ID, a job and made friends...but slowly I easily got bored, couldn't concentrate....struggled with not feeling empty, worried and concerned...I just feel so miserable...I'm always hungry, always been physical weak....I'm so skinny, I'm a 5'6 male...I'm gay too....i spent years with that secret...I've always been sensitive so any joke insult or anything got me feeling sad, or lashing out and fighting...Since july I've dealt with waves of this....so bad I even said I didn't want to live....the truth is I do want to live....just not with this mental health problems...I don't know if I deserve to be ok .then I woke up feeling so great and had 2 much better weeks than the first 2 of july..but these waves get worse...anything random triggered me into negative thoughts and feelings hopelessness for the future and my mental state...I'm going through a horrendous week....I just want to be ok..I hate myself for causing my parents to hurt, lashing out at my siblings and so much more...I can't control my thoughts I'm so scared....my brain constantly says "but what if therapy and or medicine doesn't help" and even good memories get tainted....who's felt like this?

​

I'm 18, and I've been dealing with anxiety for years, but the past several months have been especially difficult. I'm not diagnosed with anything yet, so I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me. I'm actually going to talk to a college counselor very soon, and hopefully I'll eventually see a doctor too. I mostly want to share what's been happening and hear from people who have experienced something similar. My anxiety started when I was around 9 years old. It has come and gone in different periods of my life, but I've noticed that certain years and periods were significantly worse than others. I've had periods where I felt relatively okay, followed by periods where anxiety suddenly became extremely intense again.

Recently I've been experiencing what I call "waves." Sometimes the anxiety gets really intense for a while and then eventually settles down. Other times it's more of a background feeling that never completely seems to disappear. One of the strangest things for me is how many seemingly random things can trigger it.

Sometimes I'll be watching a completely normal video and a random scene will suddenly make me anxious. There doesn't necessarily seem to be anything objectively scary about the scene. It can be something as simple as a certain transition, visual, sound, or moment that suddenly gives me that anxious feeling, like anything can be a trigger temporarly and it dismotivates me when I feel better... I've started wondering if my brain has learned associations between certain types of content and anxiety. Sometimes I think the trigger itself isn't even the biggest problem anymore. I'll notice that something made me anxious and then start monitoring myself:

"Was that a trigger?" "Am I getting anxious?" "Why did that scene make me feel weird?" "What if it happens again?"

Then I become even more anxious.

I've also noticed that social media seems to have a huge influence on my anxiety. I've spent years using social media a lot, especially short-form content, and I've noticed that certain types of videos, topics, and random content can trigger me. I'm trying to understand whether constantly consuming rapidly changing content has made me more hyper-alert or sensitive to certain things.

Another huge part of this is health anxiety. I tend to notice physical sensations and immediately start worrying about what they mean. If I feel weak, tired, dizzy, nauseous, have stomach problems, or just feel physically "off," my brain can immediately start analyzing it.

Then I start worrying about the worry itself.

I've also experienced a lot of brain fog. This is probably one of the most frightening parts for me.

Sometimes I can't even tell whether I'm enjoying something.

I'll be watching something I normally like or playing a game and suddenly think:

"Am I actually having fun?" "Can I still experience joy?" "Why don't I feel as excited as I used to?" "What if I never feel normal again?"

And then I start monitoring my emotions so much that I can't actually focus on the thing I'm doing.

It's almost like my brain is watching me experience something instead of actually experiencing it.

I can distract myself sometimes, and that's definitely helped, but lately I've noticed that even when I'm distracted, there can still be this anxiety running quietly in the background. It's like: Foreground: I'm playing a game or watching something.Background: "Hey. Don't forget we're anxious."

I've also wondered if my lifestyle has contributed to everything.

For about five years I was extremely isolated because of online school and circumstances in my life. I spent a huge amount of time at home, lying down, being inactive, using my phone, and having a terrible sleep schedule. I also suppressed a lot of my feelings instead of really dealing with them.

Then I moved to my aunt's house earlier this year, which was a huge life change.

For a while I felt like I was adjusting okay, but around two months after moving I started feeling extremely emotionally exhausted and my anxiety became much more noticeable.

I've wondered if I basically burned myself out after years of isolation, stress, poor sleep, inactivity, social media use, health worries, and suppressing my emotions.

I don't know if "burnout" is actually the right word, but that's how it feels.

Another thing that has been difficult is that my family is very supportive of me, and I'm extremely grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like they don't completely understand what is happening in my head.

They sometimes tell me things like "you're the only one who can help yourself" or that I'm letting my mind make me feel this way.

I understand the point they're trying to make. I know I have to participate in my own recovery. But sometimes I feel like there's a difference between choosing how I respond to anxiety and actually choosing to have anxiety in the first place.

That's one reason I'm finally getting professional help.

I have a virtual counseling appointment through my college very soon. I'm honestly nervous about it, but I'm also hopeful.

Part of my anxiety keeps telling me:

"What if therapy doesn't work?" "What if medication doesn't work if I eventually need it?" "What if I always feel like this?"

I know those are anxiety thoughts, but they still feel incredibly convincing sometimes.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.

And I want to be clear about something: I WANT TO LIVE.

Sometimes I get intrusive fears about dying, and those thoughts scare me. I think about how devastated my parents would be and how much I want to be here for them and for myself. When I say that I'm tired or that I want to "quit," I mean that I'm exhausted from dealing with these emotions—not that I want to die.

What I actually want is to live normally and happily without constantly monitoring my thoughts, body, emotions, and surroundings.

I'm also starting college very soon, which is another huge source of anxiety. I'm excited about it, but now that it's actually getting close, I'm getting cold feet.

I'm worried about getting rides, being tired, feeling weak, having anxiety at school, and whether I'll actually be able to handle everything.

At the same time, part of me is genuinely hopeful.

I've already noticed some small improvements. I've defeated certain triggers that used to scare me. Sometimes a wave happens and I can handle it better than I used to. I'm starting to recognize patterns instead of automatically believing every anxious thought.

So I guess I'm writing all of this because I'm wondering:

Has anyone else experienced anxiety like this?

Especially the random video/content triggers, the constant background anxiety, the feeling of monitoring whether you're enjoying something, the brain fog, the health worries, and the fear that you'll feel this way forever?

Did therapy eventually help you understand what was happening?

Did things gradually become easier even when you initially couldn't imagine them getting better?

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I'm mostly looking for other people's experiences and some hope that this isn't necessarily permanent.

I'm tired, but I'm still trying....I don't want to see my family suffer over me...I don't want to feel like this...and the state of the world is also something that hurts my mental health because why should I try if the world is getting worse..

And honestly, I really want to get my life back....there's so much I feel, miss and worry about....Do you guys think I have anxiety or maybe something else? I don't feel like I should feel like this. I don't know if the things I went through actually traumatized me....💚