u/Daifukuyou

Given we have so many countless examples of what a selfish, privileged, bigoted, insecure, jealous, toxic narcissist she is - in romantic relationships or otherwise - i can't help but have the scary thought that she knows how to sing so dramatically and detailed about so many fucked up things, because it's actually her doing it to her partners, not the other way around.

Nobody would speak up about this, because she's "just a girl" and they are supposed to be tough guys who weren't played like that and the industry would instantly trash them if they tried to raise concerns about her. Like her harvesting the drama, chaos and hurt she causes to milk for money down the line.

She sings about using people, manipulation, gaslighting, mind games, codependency, unfair expectations, pushing boundaries, fakeness and cold heartedness... sounds familiar? Maybe it takes an expert on doing, not actually receiving those behaviors, as indicated in multiple of her unreleased songs (gee, I wonder why) giving an insight to extremely unhealthy thoughts and actions on her side. It would make her cash grabbing music even more twisted, but guess we'll never know.

(I'm only talking about the anime)

Just wanted to quickly mention how this anime imo so perfectly captures all the ways in which one can interpret, analyse and endlessly obsess (in a playful way) over their crush's every actions and words. It's one of the very rare works that show how it ACTUALLY feels like being in love, not in a “removed, shoujo-fied, I'm-aware-this-is-fiction-way”, but in a “oh gosh, this is truly how it's like” kinda way, in all it's subtleties, angst, longing, heartbreak and joy. That's not easy to pull off and they did it so beautifully.

My thoughts on Hirose coincide with many takes I've seen in this sub – I also think he is subconsciously noticing already something's different about his sexuality and that unbeknownst to himself, he keeps seeking situations with Nakamura to explore what exactly that is, because he senses a difference in/being comfortable with Nakamura in a special way as well. Like a boy in the closet with the doors wide open, not yet aware he can walk out.

I feel especially enforcing of this were the scene where he instantly ran up to Nakamura after his break up, which he oddly avoided (hello subconscious) during dating someone else, and then jumps straight into emotion-dumping every last vulnerable thing he felt and thought over the past weeks, followed by the plead to not tell anyone and hastily running off. Also the scenes in the final episode, were Hirose sets up this whole romance movie thing (including hand-touching popcorn), keeps spending the entire day with Nakamura and waits until they are reclusive on that bench in the park to ask him what's charming about him (indicating he wants to know what Nakamura specifically has to say and also has been thinking about this a lot). His response to giving him the keychain and the way he looks at him (similar to the sunset harbor scene in yokohama) with a fond facial expression he had not shown anybody else so far. In general the visual language really underlines the themes of the story so nicely, one of my favorite shots is when Hirose and Nakamura sit in that restaurant after the movie with orange soda on Hirose's and black coffee on Nakamura's side, perfectly representative of their personalities. (or like the octopus = perceived as slightly creepy but actually smart and kind, the crab = protective shell outside, but sensitive inside)

He was also the only one commenting on how Nakamura would “look cooler” with shorter bangs, whereas the only other time in the anime his bangs are mentioned is “because they hide his eyes”, implying Hirose wants to see them better. There was something funny about Hirose often initiating physical closeness or being unexpectedly aggressive/direct in his inquiries “So, do you guys have a crush?” while at the same time in denial “oh I guess boys as FRIENDS are easier to open up to”. And I KNOW there is not any certain way “to look gay” but I laughed so hard when I saw Hirose's outfit on their movie date giving a bit of “Look, I'm the straightest man in the world!”-cosplay.

Something silly and vulnerable I wanted to share, was that as sweet as this anime is, it also perfectly stirred up old petty emotions I experienced as a teen - Sometimes (strictly selfishly speaking!) I got so mad at Hirose's obliviousness and “unresponsiveness” not seeming to care for Nakamura for weeks in between and not making progress in their relation while Nakamura poured so much priority, mental energy and time into him – of course aware this doesnt equate to any entitlement or malicious intent!! But I knew the feeling, of how much hurt could come with longing for someone popular “as the oddball out” while the person of your desire is somewhat of a social performer constantly surrounded by potential rivals/people wanting something from them and them not really enforcing boundaries. So it starts feeling like they play into your face any possible way in which you don't matter to them. As a young dumb teen you get the impression “wow, must be nice to constantly be the center of attention and spend all day every day with people adoring you that you have sleepovers with, meet up to lunch, visit your private home etc, while i can't keep your attention for 5 minutes and nobody gives a shi about me” almost to the point of temporary bitterness/envy, often worsened by an emotionally neglectful household at home. That's an ugly, immature emotion, but I remember it crossing my heart back then.

(Sidenote: When I saw there was gonna be this god forsaken “falling for the teacher as a minor” trope again, I was really relieved that they decided in the anime to leave it as a “harmless admiration one-sided crush” footnote in the story and not go down the traditional BL-route of centering this until it became a wildly inappropriate dent to the entire story. This old shit really has to go and would have felt completely out of place, so I'm glad we were spared)

There are so many positive things I could say about this anime – as plenty already have across this sub, but one thing I felt emotional enough to post about, is the incredibly relatable and accurate depiction of an autistic-coded teenager, expressed in a way that does not condemn them. (regardless if canonically not meant to be).

May it be Nakamura's special interests and passions, deep-dive researches, social reclusivity and selectivity, feeling intensely and overthinking, retaining all sorts of tiniest details, info dumping, routines with food, locations and objects, pre-planning interactions, being at peace and joy with alone-time, resilience to peer pressure (like not fearing group punishment when he temporarily leaves them for the aquarium), direct communication with close people, but being easily misunderstood from outsiders/uncomfy with conversation initiated by strangers, being sensitive to the slightest changes, and having an insanely vivid inner life/monologue (to the point of maladaptive daydreaming) yet not articulating 90% of it to the outside world.

My old teenage-self especially felt seen during the scene in the family restaurant with Hirose and his friends, where Nakamura instead of participating in the conversation, observes it like a researcher to take notes to better understand, which inadvertently alienates him, but from his perspective with the intention to get closer to the people he cares about. We also see his diverting approach in how this group understands "connective conversation": Each of Hirose's friends takes a round to assert a socially safe topic (popular band, beststelling videogame, favorite hobby) to then pass the conversation around the table for everyone to affirm they like it/do it too. They declare one thing, briefly converse in a way that reaffirms the social groups harmony, then move to the next. Nakamura's conversation style de-centers group harmony, the individual interests of each person get inquired about with questions instead of statements, and the bonding happens over the vulnerable sharing of potential differences, accepting another in them and deepening the exceedingly long conversation about unfamiliar topics. Neither of the approaches are wrong, just completely opposite.

We also see a contrast in "Hirose's friends sometimes steamroll him with their wants or labels and dig at him with social pressure if he doesnt comply = Hirose has to mask" vs "Nakamura inquiries regarding anything Hirose and reminds him unprompted to always mind his own boundaries/authentic feelings, while providing a safespace when their opinions differ = Hirose can express"

And the core point that actually meant so much to me, is that this anime is one of the only depictions I have seen so far to represent the autistically common low need of random connection, WITHOUT JUDGING IT.

What I mean by this: We see Nakamura's orientation of focus often to be internal, yet not selfish. Unlike his other new-to-highschool classmates, who invest a lot of energy, anxiety and social performance into being accepted into, worrying about and navigating different social groups (which is totally common!), he does not pursue random connection for the sake of not being alone, for stimulation “to have something to do”, or out of anxiety to not fit in. This energy is redirected “inwards” and does not seek open spots in his surrounding social hierarchy, but goes selectively for people he actively likes and therefore opens his personality up to. Sometimes, this may look like him so completely in his own world, that he passes by others people's business (like the chaos in the hallway in the classroom cockroach scene) or does not pick up on other's attempts to either become his friend (club presidents fighting over him) or playfully dig at him (looks like a mushroom).

And the thing that is so huge to me about it is – they show him being like this and that he IS JUST FINE! There is no judgemental message shoved in there, like it is almost every single time in other media – Nakamura does not tend to be “unseeking of others company” because he is a

1. rebel with a superiority complex and thinks he's so much better and cooler than his stupid silly classmates, who needs them!
2. is relentlessly bullied for not “acting the correct way” and views his classmates from a longing, lonely “loser-corner”, desperate to one day be popular too and this will fix me!

His behavior is not forcefully translated into “oh wow, he does not care/he hates them/he needs them”, but instead accepted as the “neutral standpoint” it actually is and shown that that is simply – okay. He is doing just fine. No need to declare him the enemy or poor sucker for no reason.

And while one could look at this and go “oh, that's really an advantage to be relatively self-contained”, the anime doesn't shy away from showing the downsides just as much – for example the scene in which Nakamura is devastated Hirose is dating someone else and turns to the only thing, many ND teens have left in situations like this – coping with vivid fantasy. When I was that age, I knew too well the pain of assuming there will never be a resolve or “being chosen back” by that one person, so I retorted to drawings, songs, manga, creating whatever art to deal with it and imagine what could have been. In the scene where Nakamura rides up the hill at night, I actually assumed him to toss the manga of him and Hirose over the cliff, because he realized it's an unhealthy coping object and he needs to let go.

Anyways, everything I mentioned played out so close to home and I'm grateful the anime showed that in a way, that maybe makes real people like Nakamura feel less alone in their experience.