u/DailyMelatonin

Edit for the title: trauma that my ex [F27] caused is making me question everything,

For context, I've been with my ex for 9 years, she was really abusive (mentally and emotionally)
she'd never said sorry to me even after deliberately hurting me, she'd never told me/shown me that I'm irreplaceable. it left a feeling of me longing to be chosen and desired. I was told that I'm attractive, and secret admirer/s aren't far from the realm of possibilities but I stayed loyal to her despite what she put me through.
She cheated on me back in 24, and we ended things on 12/27/24, I've been single since, I've had 2 hookups (if it matters) and I'm not actively looking for a partner.
I my friend in 24 and she knows what I've gone through, she was the one who gives me random compliments too (which I deeply cherish) and we've shared a drunken kiss one night, that was after her friend noticed a strong chemistry between us.

I've talked to close friends asking about their POV, and I've of course gotten mixed answers. the common denominator though is that "I shouldn't suppress anything, and see where things go." they know me and they know that I'll do my best to be an even better partner than I was before.

However, the conflict is within me, if this was another woman, I wouldn't even entertain the Idea of a relationship, but this friend of mine... well, I like her, I want to know more about her, see all sides of her.

but, I'm too f*ckin scared to ask, too hesitant to make things real. This would be easier if she'd just rejected me.

So I'm stuck in this loop, not knowing what to do or maybe I do know i and I just don't know how to do it.

[M26] I've been single for more than a year. was in a 9-year relationship, and 4 years prior to that. yung 4 years hindi ko na masyado matandaan dahil bata pa kami nuon, pero yung 9 years, grabe...

I've been with her since I was 16. she was mentally and emotionally abusive, even sa honeymoon phase. I've always been the one to say sorry, parating ako yung sumusuyo, all the arguments will circle back to me, at parang wala akong laban at karapat na magalit dahil once I do, she'll leave me. Yeah, big mistake, I wasn't able to see that before. things happened and she became more docile, pero andun parin yung any time kaya nya akong iwan at ipagpalit, she would verbalize it even when we're not fighting.

when she cheated and left me for someone else, I became a hollowed shell, devoid of life, I was high functioning still, thus I was able to keep my job and support myself.

there was this girl that resembled my ex from our honeymoon phase, she's younger, energetic, and innocent. I wasn't planning on courting her for real but I do flirt with her; expressing my feelings. she would still say that I won't be someone she'd choose for her own reasons I won't dive into.

then there's another girl, she gives me compliments and says I'm attractive too, but she stated I'm not her type. but the thing is, when we were drunk, she grabbed my face and kissed me.
it led to me spiraling down into hyper-analyzing that night.

I've asked some friends for their pov so that I can manage my thoughts, expectations, and plan my next move.

I don't know how where to find the answer, time is a powerful enemy as I don't want to bug her too much because we haven't properly talked about that night.

...

Edit 1: nag rant lang talaga ako pero, overwhelmed na din ako sa advice pero feel free to add substance to the convo.