u/DamnThatFeltGood

I've been happily low contact for the past several years with mine and don't really have a strong desire to change that. Sometimes I'll come across another person that has their own slew of issues with their abusive and neglectful parents and they'll view every argument or hard conversation with them as progress. Almost like the simple act of them staying in contact/continuing to talk feels like progress is being made or that it's possible. Sometimes the relationships do improve to a degree but so many people still talk about how draining it is to visit their family for the holidays or be around them for any extended period of time.

I wonder what makes people want to keep trying. Sure, maintaining relationships isn't always easy or convenient to do but with the people in my life that actually care about and respect me it doesn't really ever feel that bad. If any of my current friends started to disregard my concerns or feelings about our relationship then I'd probably cut them off too. With my parents it's only ever surface level, awkward conversation I don't want to engage in or it's a heated emotional argument that always ends in them being defensive or unengaged while I stay upset. I'm sure I could stop caring for a few hours and enjoy the time we have together and be nice and friendly but why the fuck should I? It seems like they let so much time pass in between our arguments before reaching out again because they have this idea that time, in the place of actually acknowledging their faults, will heal all wounds.

It's hard to feel this way sometimes because, like many other people here, it's easy to feel like what I went through with them wasn't as bad or significant as what others' experiences. How am I ever supposed to explain to a future partner that my parents, who can be perfectly nice and polite in the company of others, actually dragged me through hell until I finally cut them off in my 20s? Or that just because they're friendly with me now doesn't mean that I want to maintain a friendship with them?

Or know when they usually open applications? It's like their websites haven't been updated in 5 years.

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To think that 90% of my problems in life wouldn't exist if my parents had just loved me.

I know this looks weird but hear me out. Emotional neglect brought me all the way to my late 20s without having the ability to form meaningful relationships with other people. I just turned 29 and I only started figuring out how to really make friends within the past 8 or 9 months. Around the time frame was when I was finally able to embrace myself as gay too.

Long story short, I feel like after spending so much of my life not having my emotional needs met and being isolated from other people all I want to do now is be surrounded by as much love and support as possible in any way I can get it. This doesn't rule out friendships of course but I'm feeling a sense of FOMO in regards to dating where I'm afraid to enter a serious monogamous relationship with someone because it could cut me off to other forms of love I'd like to have.

Not everyone does it of course, but it is pretty common in our society to prioritize romantic relationships above all others and I would hate to have to cut off or minimize relationships I have with other people just to stop a romantic partner from becoming jealous.

I feel like I'm looking at this from a pretty selfish and ignorant point of view but after a lifetime of emotional suppression all I want is to have as many deep and intimate relationships with as many people as I can. I feel desperate for it at times and that's what makes me stop and question myself. Of course after being starved of something for so long and finally getting a taste it's all I want.

Was just curious if anyone dealt with something similar. Even just the desperation for human connection.