u/Dan_DanTheMermaidMan

I cannot be around children. I think terrible thoughts. I am afraid I will hurt them one day. I don't want to. When I walk into a room full of small children, I think, "I'm dangerous." I'm scared that all the teachers/caretakers can read my mind and know that I'm not safe to put with them. I always feel like someday the intrusive thoughts I have will overtake me and I'll kill or rape someone or say something terrible. Children love me. Toddler and preschool age children think I'm the coolest person ever, love playing with me and even specifically inviting me to their birthday parties. I wish they didn't love me. It makes me feel gross when I'm around children. I keep googling "intrusive thoughts vs paraphilic disorders" over and over to reassure myself I am not attracted to children in any sense and will not harm them. It's not working anymore. I don't wanna hurt anyone.

I feel like I'm faking. For context, I figured out I was trans when I was about 9. I had totally unrestricted internet access because my parents didn't love me. But that's besides the point.

Anyways, I used to have dysphoria. At least I think I did. I used to sob over my body. I was so emotional. I hated myself.

But I don't really have dysphoria anymore despite not transitioning at all. I'm literally not even out to anyone. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl. I'm just me. I'm Jonas. (that's the name I picked for myself but didn't tell anyone about.) I'm male. I don't question it, I just am this way. I don't feel like I have much dysphoria. I am not particularly keen on my female genitalia or what people call me, but I'm not angry about it either. I forget I even have a gender sometimes. I would love to have HRT or top surgery, but I don't really care whether or not I do.

Mostly what I'm sad and angry about now is that I'll never be able to actually tell anyone how I feel. I'm not mad about my body, I'm mad that I can't actually do what I want with it.

I thought maybe I was genderfluid but being female in any scenario feels completely wrong. Like I said, it doesn't make me dysphoric per se, it just feels more like I'm wearing drag. It's not quite right. It feels more like I'm doing a bit than being normal.

I feel like maybe I'm wrong about being trans, and I'm just telling myself I am because I lack an explanation for how I feel. And I feel like if I tried to transition I'd just be taking away resources from people who really need it. There are people who would die without medical transition, and I'd just be hogging it, and for what? I don't wanna hurt anyone.