u/Dancing_Tengu

My life has been turned upside down and pulled in every direction imaginable.

It started on a Monday. My girlfriend broke up with me.

Damn... that hurt. She wasn't just my girlfriend. She was my friend. In a single conversation, it felt like I lost my future. All the little plans we had together were suddenly gone.

It wasn't because one of us did something terrible. It just came down to timing and where life was taking us. She had already made up her mind, and once she decides something, she's locked in. I always admired that about her, how focused she is, how nothing can shake her once she's made a decision.

Being on the other side of that determination hurts more than I can describe.

Every word she said felt like another cut. I could see she was hurting too, even though I knew she would never let herself cry in front of me. That's just who she is. I loved every part of her—every quirk, every habit, everything that made her who she was. Her past. I accepted all of it. I don't think she ever truly believed me when I told her that.

After we said goodbye, I called my best friend, "B." She stayed on the phone with me while I sobbed the entire drive back to my shop and it was a long drive. I didn't think I would get sleep that night. Eventually, my friend "K" came over just to make sure I was okay. I finally went home and cried again.

Tuesday morning, I got to work around 8 a.m. I was preparing for a big in-person meeting scheduled for 10. Then my phone rang. It was B. That immediately felt strange because she almost never calls she always texts before calling. I'll never forget what she said.
"Hey, Dancing_tengu... my father just died...yeah."

I looked at the clock. 9:37 a.m. I had less than 30 minutes before my meeting. K was in the room with me, and I couldn't even say the words out loud. I grabbed a marker and wrote on the whiteboard: "B's father just died."

I couldn't bring myself to repeat what I had just heard. After the meeting, K and I drove to be with B. That night we walked along the beach together.

We talked about our fathers. I opened up about my own nonexistent relationship with mine, and about my breakup just one day earlier.

Listening to B and K tell stories about their dads was bittersweet. They had both lost incredible fathers. I'd met both of them and spoke to them on many occasions. They were genuinely good men. Good fathers. Kind, patient, loving and funny. One day I know I will be good father.

As I walked beside them in silence, I tried to think of happy memories with my own dad. There weren't many to talk about. I know I will be a better father than my own. That's how it's suppose to work, right? I am the newer generation and I will be better than the past generations.

Wednesday brought something completely different. A project that K and I had worked incredibly hard on started making the rounds online. People loved it. For a few hours, it felt good to smile again.

Thursday came. Around noon, my phone rang. It was my friend J. Her husband, C one of my closest friends had suffered a heart attack while playing basketball at the park. We were both only in our mid-thirties.
J and C had been staying at my place while they got back on their feet after having their baby. I lost my best guy friend. I don't think it truly hit me until today while I was walking around my neighborhood. I thought of K and B losing their fathers. I thought of C&J's baby and cried again. I will be the one to tell her stories of what kind of man her father was. He was one of the good ones and would have done anything for her. I cried again.

C and I told each other everything since the day we met. Thinking about him I cried and I threw up thinking about the rough week. I couldn't sleep, so I went for a run. I ran farther than I'd ever have in my life.
A few days later, I messaged my ex and told her how much I missed her. She asked for more time and space. It had only been four days since the breakup, time felt completely distorted. The air itself felt heavy. Every hour dragged on forever. It felt like weeks had passed. I didn't reply back, I didn't want to tell that I need her and that I need a friend. Don't care what you guys call me.

So I kept running. Every single day. Getting back into shape became the only thing that quieted my mind. Going back to rock climbing and kite surfing.

Until the following Monday. During I completely broke down. Everything that had happened the previous week came rushing back at once. Then I cried harder than I ever remember crying before in my life.
Since then, I've been trying to distract myself with the perks I get through work, museum passes, movies, anything that gives me short bursts of happiness. They help.....until reality comes crashing back punching me so fucking hard. I watched the new spiderman movie, I know C would have loved it.

The grief comes in waves. Sometimes I feel I'm standing by the shore away from it, and I suddenly notice too late that I walked too far out and another wave knocks me flat and I go under.

I'm not embarrassed to cry. I think about my ex every day. I hope she's okay. I know this hasn't been easy for her either. Maybe that’s what I tell myself. I miss her more than I can put into words. Some of the things I told her after the breakup will stay between us forever. Those words are locked away until the day I die.

Today marks the third Tuesday since B's father passed away. She doesn't want to be alone, so she's been spending time with K and me. I'm helping J plan C's funeral. Why are funerals so expensive?! This Friday, B will receive her father's ashes.

For now, I'm a riding solo. I'm signing up for random events just to fill the empty hours. Events I probably would have gone to with C or with my ex. But i been going alone, and that's fine.

Each one gives me a brief hit of dopamine before reality catches up again. I know this feeling won't last forever. People say time heals. I hope they're right. To me it just feels like the volume of the grief get lower and lower until it's a faint whisper. Food have lost their taste everything is bland and all I am looking forward to is my next run and concerts that I can go to.

Sixteen days have passed, not sure what I need to be doing. August please be kinder to me.

I'm know I'm not okay.

I can't access my account on namecheap since Aug 13. My case has been forward to Risk Management department.

16 Days Have Passed, and I'm Not Okay