u/DangerousBat2

TLDR: My boyfriend hates planning for his birthday because he is anxious that none of his friends will make the time to show up. However, I know that he would be deeply sad if he ended up doing nothing for his birthday, so now I don't know what to do.

My (30f) boyfriend (30m, soon 31) is a very fun-loving, chill, guys' guy. He comes off kind of bro-y at first, like someone who is easygoing, doesn't take things too seriously, etc. He's tall, good-looking, funny, athletic, confident, generally unbothered, all great qualities of course, but sometimes I wonder if that makes people (even his closest friends) perceive him in a certain way. Over the 6 years we've been together, I've come to see that he is actually deeply sensitive, has a lot of emotions, might not be the best at talking about them or expressing them, but it all comes from a place of great love for the people around him. He rarely, if ever, shows this side to his friends. Even when they do things that bother him, he brushes it off and tries to move on because he wants to keep everything chill, positive, and fun. He believes how he shows up for his friends will be how they show up for him, but that's not always the case.

I will also add that he sadly does not have the best relationship with his family. Dad passed away when he was young, Mom remarried soon after that, Stepdad is simply horrible to my BF and seems to hold a grudge against him that no one can explain. Mom does nothing to stand up for him, just tries to keep the peace. He was best friends with his Dad. Ever since he passed, I think there's just been a missing piece in my BF's life.

All this to say, my BF definitely relies on me a lot for emotional support, as his "person." He also places immense value on his close friendships, especially those he went to undergrad with, his grad school friends, and now his work friends. He works in a highly stressful, high-stakes field. Think something similar to medicine or law. He works 60-80 hour weeks regularly, and has very little free time to see people, pursue hobbies / outlets, do things for himself, etc.

This is where I'm hoping to get some advice. His birthday is coming up soon, and every time I ask him what he wants to do, he just brushes me off and says he doesn't want to do anything. He says he's too burnt out and stressed from work to plan anything, which is all valid, but I can tell he's bummed. I let him know he can lean on me to plan, to gather everyone, to make reservations, etc. but he keeps avoiding the subject. The thing is, I know he wants to do something. He already has so little time and doesn't spend as much time as he'd like with friends, so nothing would make him happier than getting the chance to hang out with all of his friends in one place.

The problem is that for the past several years, every time his birthday rolls around, it seems that many people are too busy, suddenly out of town, planned a vacation, or last-minute say they can't make it but will make it up to him because they think he won't mind. Of course he tries to brush it off in the moment, but I know this makes him so sad. It also makes me incredibly upset but I don't think it's my place to say anything negative about his friendships, or directly say something to his friends. But seriously, they always seem to plan a vacation right on his birthday. I'm sure they invite him, but he can't go because his work schedule is extremely demanding.

Yet, my BF is the kind of friend that shows up to their birthdays without a question. We went to Mexico for his college best friend's bday last year. My BF goes to every dinner, every night out, every trip, unless there is a legitimate reason he can't go (i.e., work, or they don't live in our city). He has completely given up on doing anything special for his birthday with friends because he doesn't want to be disappointed again when people don't show up for him. I had reached out to quite a few of his friends on the side to gauge who was around for his birthday, and made sure to emphasize that "it would really mean a lot to him to spend time with you guys!" The usual suspects (college friends) are going on an international trip, but offered to do a celebratory dinner before they left. His other various friend groups mostly confirmed that they would be here, with a couple folks out of town, but to me it seemed like a great majority of people would be available.

I thought this was a nice outcome. This way, we could have multiple celebrations for him throughout the entire week and weekend with his different friend groups. He deserves to feel special and loved by those around him, so I thought he would be more open to the idea of doing something (multiple things now) for his bday.

He had an emotional flare-up this past weekend and just broke. I know he wasn't blaming me or taking it out on me directly, but it was hard being on the other end of that conversation. He said I should have just left it alone, that now he feels super crappy because it's just another reminder that a lot of his friends won't be here, and that he would have just preferred to spend it alone with me. I asked him if that would truly make him happy, if he didn't see any of his friends on his birthday. He said no, but he'll get over it and find separate time to see everyone. He calmed down eventually, and seemed like he was starting to come around to the idea of doing something. He was even texting different group texts saying that he wanted to do something on the weekend.

But this morning, it was like we took two steps back. I'm trying to lock down a day this week to do dinner with his college friends before they head out on their international trip. I'm trying to keep this as low-lift for my BF as possible to minimize decision-making and stress -- I just wanted to know which day he preferred, and any restaurants he had in mind. But all I got this morning was more brushing off / avoidance, and he hasn't responded to my texts. He's also reverting back to not wanting to do anything this weekend because he was convinced no one was going to show up.

As his partner, I can't help but be impacted by his moods, and am so sad he has come to feel this way about his birthday. Maybe I overstepped by trying to plan something for his birthday, but the alternative would have just been him being sad and mopey on his birthday wishing he could have done something with everyone. I just want to prove to him that with enough advanced planning and notice, people will make time and show up, and eventually break this cycle of negative thinking. I just feel like my hands are tied now because I don't know where his head is at. I'm not sure how to move forward with all of this birthday stuff... or maybe I should just take a step back and leave it alone.

Sorry this was so long. Any advice and perspectives are greatly appreciated.

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I (33f) have been with my boyfriend (34f) for 7 years, and have been friends with my best friend (34f) for 10 years. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years. For context, I'm currently in between jobs and living off of savings.

Since January of this year, my boyfriend has been wanting to plan a European vacation for July which I agreed to and had saved up for. This would be our first international trip in a while, so we've both been looking forward to it. The dates he originally communicated to me were Monday 7/6 through Sunday 7/12. The field he is in pre-schedules everyone's vacations, so it's not flexible unless someone trades with him, which is not possible in this case.

A few weeks ago, my best friend asked me if I would like to join a trip with her and her family to St. Lucia for her birthday. It's something she and I have talked about before in passing about doing something like that together, so I was really excited about it and expressed my interest, but reminded her of my boyfriend's vacation dates which have been set for a while. However, when she communicated her dates to me, I discovered they wanted to leave Thursday 7/2 before my boyfriend's vacation started, and stay on the island through the following Tuesday 7/7. So, there's overlap.

Around the same time, my boyfriend realized he was actually not scheduled to work that weekend before -- Saturday 7/4 and Sunday 7/5. And given the long travel days, he hoped that we could fly out that weekend to Europe.

I didn't think to ask my friend to change her travel dates because I figured this wasn't really my vacation, and I was simply tacking on to a family vacation. I suggested maybe I join them Thursday - Sunday, and then fly out to Europe to meet my boyfriend. My friend pushed back on that and said it wouldn't really leave enough time for me to enjoy the island, and ultimately, if I couldn't make it work, then she would understand. After a lot of consideration, I decided it wasn't feasible for me to do both trips. I felt terrible about how things shook out, but took some comfort when she said she'd understand. While I have a decent nest egg of savings, I didn't think that a less-than-3-day trip to St. Lucia would have been worth it, and the physical toll of flying out immediately to Europe would have been too much.

I texted her about this decision, but was a little surprised when she wrote back a very long text message about how while she understood, she was still very disappointed in my decision. She said that I had prioritized my boyfriend over her, and this wasn't the first time this had happened. She referenced a conversation we had last year about one day traveling to Southeast Asia together and said that I had also bailed on a trip. I was taken aback by this because we had never discussed any real plans around specific dates, time of year, cities we wanted to visit, flights, etc.

I should also mention that she and I have taken many meaningful trips together to several countries in Europe, Mexico, and around the U.S. in recent years. Most of those trips were just the two of us or with our friend group.

I wrote back to her profusely apologizing and saying that I understood where she was coming from, and that I was truly sorry that my actions had made her feel this way. I reinforced that she was very important to me and that I wasn't prioritizing my partner over her, but was sorry if it came off that way. The dates just didn't work out this time, but next time we would plan something further in advance and avoid any conflicts.

She hasn't talked to me since which has been killing me. Even when we all went out as a group recently, she barely made eye contact or spoke to me. I've been feeling horrible about this ever since our exchange and just want some thoughts on this situation and any advice you might have for how to navigate this.

TLDR: Best friend and boyfriend's vacation dates overlapped. I had already committed to boyfriend's dates, so had to say no to friend. Friend is now mad.