Vent/advice?/guilt
Hi all,
26M
I have gone through a fair bit in the past year and half, my mum really struggled with her mental health which has had an affect on me. I sought therapy for this and has been great but at the moment cant afford more. I fell in love with a girl, same age as me, we had awesome times together so many laughs and generally felt very healthy. About halfway through our year long relationship I was having major issues with my job which put alot of strain on me and how I valued myself (aswell as our relationship). I managed to get another good job and then moved in with my girlfriend for the latter half of our year long relationship. We were aiming to move overseas together for more opportunity but i was really struggling to trust her and myself in that decision. Long story short I was partying alot in the last month of our relationship, she was due to go for a tonsilectomy. The weekend of the surgery I was meant to look after her but also had a dj gig lined up which i was very excited about. I ended up getting really hammered afterwards and trying to kiss another girl. Since then me and my gf have broken up as i felt so terrible i told her the next day. She felt a great deal of pain as it was supposed to be a time when I was supposed to be supporting her like she had for me. Ive since gone travelling and even though it was a great time it made me feel more lost than ever, realising how hard it is to come across those types of connections in life. Ive felt so ashamed and guilty since it happened and all ive really wanted is to try again and prove to her how much she means to me. Its been 3 months since we broke up now and I still miss her dearly. Shes currently travelling now too which is ironic in a way because neither of us are moving overseas atleast not immediately anymore. I came back from travel and have lost my job so am in the process of trying to find more work at the moment…
I guess I just feel confused, ive tried my best to respect the space she needs, ive expressed how much i want to try again and how terrible I feel and how she hasnt wanted to. Sometimes she still messages me which can be confusing. And right now i just want to message her how much I truly love her but feel so conflicted that I wouldnt be respecting her space or putting negativity into her trip.
I understand its a shit time for me too work wise and that isnt helping in regards of processing it all and might be best to get a job and keep focusing on myself in the meantime.
I just miss her dearly and I feel like id do anything to try again or go back in time.
Do I give it more time? Do I hold back and keep trying to heal and improve alone? Do i reach out to her again?