u/Dangerous_Tax_2667

It just feels like theyre telling me I havent tried hard enough to get better.

M31 here. From the time I was 16 up to when I had just turned 19 a pastor in my church who was 14 years older than me (30-33 over this period) started to pay a lot of attention to me. It started with groping my backside and changed whenever I expressed discomfort or asked him to change. He would suggest sexual things we should do together. He would touch and hug me a lot. He often tried to be alone with me. He would kiss me on the cheek. He more than once told me he loved me. Etc.

Notably age of consent in my state was 16 at the time. Im not sure if he technically did something illegal but I never really reported him because my parents didnt believe me when I tried.

The thing is, I so badly miss all the ttention he gave me. All my life including to this very day I have been ignored and overlooked. Im congenitally awkward and deathly afraid of even being perceived sometimes. He pushed through all of that and made me feel desired.

Looking back now, it almost feels like I fucked up with not pursuing wherever the relationship was going.

Thing is, he was married and his son was my little brother's best friend. I know that there was so much potential for everything to blow up. We attended an evangelical church that is very homophobic to this day. The pressure was on me to resist his advances, leaving me with this regret of not giving in.

No one else in my life has ever been able to push through. I have to initiate every relationship I have ever had outside of my family and him. I also usually have to put more effort into maintaining friendships. To this day I have only ever cultivated 2 genuine friendships. One of them I have known for 6+ years yet we haven't even reached a fraction of the emotional and physical intimacy that I had with my pastor.

The second one became my friend because I pursued him so doggedly. We dated for a while until he broke up with me and revealed he had never been attracted to me.

Anyway it is 12 years later and I have thought about him at least once every week of my life since. I dont really know how to get closure on this, and im not even sure I want closure. I dont want to acceot that I will never be as desirable to anyone else the way he was to me.

I know the morally and socially acceptable thing is to repudiate him completely but i just can't.