u/Dapper_Crazy6688

My partner, DX ADHD, medicated, therapy once a week, councilor, couples therapist, psychiatrist, support from family, Easter Seals case manager -- there's basically every kind of assistance available to an adult mom with ADHD here.

She stays at home, but we have full time out of the house daycare and school. So she's here alone for 6+ hours a day.

I work more than full time to keep our house, car, all the bills, all the expenses -- I pay for everything and have for 7+ years now, alone, with nothing left over month to month. I have no hope of that ever changing, because she *can't keep a job*, due to no call no show being a chronic recurring habit *even under the most relaxed and non-punishing circumstances.* And the arguing with management, oh my god...

...my house feels like an avalanche waiting to happen.

It's *sanitary,* but it's impossible to truly sanitize any surface that has to be decluttered before sanitizing. So it's not "hoarding," it's just *astonishing dysfunction.* Inability to prioritize doing the labor and plan where things are supposed to go, is why. I can't keep up. It's like sweeping water back into the sea.

Because of this I often have to just shove aside her piles to move through the space, causing it to crash into another pile, which spills all over the place. It's like that scene in Idiocracy, where the piles of trash cause an avalanche. I *hate* it. I never lived like this outside of a brief period where I had to live in a warehouse temporarily. Awful. I swear, as soon as I can live elsewhere -- *never ever again.*

Little hands also just keep redistributing clutter from one pile to the floor over, and over, and over again.

We argue incessantly about stuff.

My philosophy: just get rid of it. Keep it out of reach.

Her philosophy: if I can't see it, it doesn't exist, so everything has to be within reach at all times. (And thus prone to child induced avalanche.)

There are *days,* where I've taken time off work, only while she's gone, *just to clean and declutter,* only to have all progress reversed within 24 hours. That's money I'm not making to cover her late fees and impulsive spending, to *clean her mess.* Her mom, sister, cousin, Grandma, my friends -- we've all taken turns purging stuff only to be disappointed within hours of finally making significant progress. We're talking entire 1 ton roll-offs to purge, which can cost hundreds of dollars -- just to break even on progress decluttering, and still be substandard when you're done doing *days of hard labor.*

It's like it never ends.

Besides divorce and burning it all down -- what do?

I've tried to hire professionals. They all say they don't handle ADHD cases anymore lol.

We were young and cute ENM/Poly people.

It was on both of our Tinder profiles:

• Poly
• Ethically Non-monogamous
• I love love, so I love many

Hers said: "Poly/enm. I'll never be your one and only. I'm only here for the free food."

It's literally why we got together and why we clicked so well that first year. We were accepting and inviting to our partners other than just our own, which is rare and precious.

7 years later, an IUD that disappeared, I bought a house, a car, and a global pandemic where we spent almost all of it isolated in the middle of nowhere with a baby... Now we are stuck together, lol. Effectively married, but I just can't bring myself to die that matrimonial death.

Simply due to the sheer exhaustion of parenthood, and the complexity of family dynamics, I can't ethically date anyone without causing neglect, and neither can she. My partner has very intense ADHD, which feels day to day more like when my dad was declining from dementia. Hypervigilance & exasperation takes up so much of my life, I have no practical or emotional room for another human being. It is, suffocating survival mode, and I can't justify giving a fraction of myself to another human even for a night, even when I want to. It just wouldn't feel responsible to get another person involved, neither to my kids, who get all my free time, or them, who would always get a version of me that's physically present but not mentally present.

The only people who'd want in on this would have to be mentally unstable, lol.

My former sex partners are like family. Even through we don't have sex anymore, who calls me to come to their shows or birthdays and asks if I need anything? My former sex partners, lol. And I'll always love them, even if we never touch again. They are easily the most positive relationships in my life, and I love them dearly.

But I'll always miss the chase. It's like living half a life without that openess to the possibility of loving another, especially those I share such deep love and concern for after years of knowing each other.

I just don't mate well in captivity, and having that taken from me, might as well have stabbed me through the heart. It broke my spirit, and I never want another human to suffer like this because of me.

Not that I want this to have happened to anyone -- but commiseration and wisdom is welcome.