u/DarkDiscotique

It really does feel like in the last few years, whenever there is talk about gays and lesbian, usually through online media outlets and even just some gay men and lesbians themselves, they simply refer to homosexuals as "queer". Like these days, whenever there is talk about the gay community, they just call it the "queer community" and I can't help but cringe every time I hear it.

Maybe it's because I'm a millennial and when I was in school during the 90s and 00s, I remember how being called "queer" was a slur and I'm sure that there are some out there who will say something like they're trying to reclaim the slur or something like that but I dunno, I just still can't help but find it annoying, especially since in media outlets, they aren't even really using words like "gay" and "lesbian" much anymore, it's just "queer". And what does it even mean anyway? I see straight people, usually girls, calling themselves "queer" because they like to have shorter haircuts. Or even feminine gay men calling themselves "queer" because they like to wear a skirt. I'm a feminine gay man and I just don't think that is necessary.

Anyway, I'm just curious what other gay men think because it really feels like this is the standard now and I miss when we would just be referred to with our word "gay".

As a feminine gay black man who is in his 30s and has been out since I was 16, I can honestly say that my dating life has been non-existent. and it wasn't for lack of trying neither. From the get-go, I understand that we all have preferences and I would never shame or berate a guy for not being into me (or just fem guys in general). But I wish I was more prepared to understand just how hard dating was going to be as a black fem gay man.

This isn't to say that I don't attract any guys at all but they are few and far between and they usually aren't my type as I usually only tend to attract old white men (a lot of whom are BBC fetishists) and DL hood guys and I'm not into that at all. And the other half are picture-less profiles who refuse to send photos or if they do, thy just send dick pics. I was mostly experiencing this on Grindr and on Jack'd, I just get the same kind of guys. And even on my Instagram, whenever I share photos of myself or outftis, while my reach doesn't get very far, I've noticed that a lot of the guys who do like my posts and/or follow me, they are usually photo-less or again, older men...

I think the hardest thing about this is that it feels like I can't even have a preference since the guys who are my type are seldom into me. And I think it stings even more because I've put so much effort into trying to be the best "me" I can be. I workout and have a slim build that i love, I eat relatively healthy, and I have hobbies to help keep my mind invested in something. But yet my being feminine presenting seems to be that much of a deal-breaker and it can be depressing since I'm so comfortable with myself. And when it comes to my feminine look, while I do have a somewhat darker alternative style (lots of tight fitting black clothes, crosses/ankhs jewelry), my style is still a bit tame compared to what I sometimes see, like I don't do the long nails or false eyelashes, lips. or wearing short skirts and stuff like that.

But i also can't help but feel that when you're black and feminine, it just makes you all the more undesirable because of the rigid stereotype black gay men are placed into and I just can't help but feel that non-black gay men who are feminine, tend to be a tad more liked or desired (among our already shallow dating pool).

And that is why I wanted to make this post, I wanted to hear from other black feminine gay men how your dating lives have been like? How have you been managing?

And to those about to ask if I'm open to and/or attracted to other fem guys, my answer is that I can be but it depends but honestly, I'm not into guys who are much more feminine presenting them me and I prefer more androgynous to soft-masculine looks in other guys.

As a feminine gay black man who is in his 30s and has been out since I was 16, I can honestly say that my dating life has been non-existent. and it wasn't for lack of trying neither. From the get-go, I understand that we all have preferences and I would never shame or berate a guy for not being into me (or just fem guys in general). But I wish I was more prepared to understand just how hard dating was going to be as a black fem gay man.

This isn't to say that I don't attract any guys at all but they are few and far between and they usually aren't my type as I usually only tend to attract old white men (a lot of whom are BBC fetishists) and DL hood guys and I'm not into that at all. And the other half are picture-less profiles who refuse to send photos or if they do, thy just send dick pics. I was mostly experiencing this on Grindr and on Jack'd, I just get the same kind of guys. And even on my Instagram, whenever I share photos of myself or outftis, while my reach doesn't get very far, I've noticed that a lot of the guys who do like my posts and/or follow me, they are usually photo-less or again, older men...

I think the hardest thing about this is that it feels like I can't even have a preference since the guys who are my type are seldom into me. And I think it stings even more because I've put so much effort into trying to be the best "me" I can be. I workout and have a slim build that i love, I eat relatively healthy, and I have hobbies to help keep my mind invested in something. But yet my being feminine presenting seems to be that much of a deal-breaker and it can be depressing since I'm so comfortable with myself. And when it comes to my feminine look, while I do have a somewhat darker alternative style (lots of tight fitting black clothes, crosses/ankhs jewelry), my style is still a bit tame compared to what I sometimes see, like I don't do the long nails or false eyelashes, lips. or wearing short skirts and stuff like that.

But i also can't help but feel that when you're black and feminine, it just makes you all the more undesirable because of the rigid stereotype black gay men are placed into and I just can't help but feel that non-black gay men who are feminine, tend to be a tad more liked or desired (among our already shallow dating pool).

And that is why I wanted to make this post, I wanted to hear from other black feminine gay men how your dating lives have been like? How have you been managing?

And to those about to ask if I'm open to and/or attracted to other fem guys, my answer is that I can be but it depends but honestly, I'm not into guys who are much more feminine presenting them me and I prefer more androgynous to soft-masculine looks in other guys.