r/AskBlackGayBros

This week we had to remove 18 posts. Most of them were for being irrelevant but we did see an increase in fetishization posts this week. We suspected a larger problem so stayed on high alert for a few days.

The most popular topics of the week were individual attractions and the always controversial interracial relationships.

We issued a number of bans this week. Mostly for people being awful. There were some people who infiltrated the space to troll. We also had to issue temporary bans to some users who were active in the space but clearly abusing it for karma farming or something.

Feedback on your week in the sub would be greatly appreciated and thank you everyone for being here!

So today I was in Reno, NV and I log into sniffies just for shits & gigs. I get a message from an anonymous profile but it’s a white guy with a big cock telling me how hot my pics are blah blah. I didn’t respond then he double texts saying he’s gen and he’ll give me $300 to meet up with him & do side stuff. Sounds like an easy $300 and the guy was fit, in his mid 40’s so I was tempted but I got a gut feeling that something was off. I looked online and it’s illegal to meet up with someone for sex in exchange for cash with upto 6 months in jail if prosecuted in the state of NV. I let him know that I was tempted but I don’t want go to jail. He said we can call it gas money. I still didn’t feel comfortable meeting up with him and when i told him so he deleted our chats.

Did I escape a potential entrapment for prostitution?

Man if only I were a woman lol. I would get fat and have lots of good haired babies for him lol.

The apps seemed better pre-covid. The majority of people I’ve encountered on apps, especially grindr, kind of suck. Why be catty instead of blocking or ignoring? Why use someone to trade pics and then get mad when they actually try to link? Why get mad when someone is asking, on a hookup app, if you like to link or if you’re wasting time? I say I’m partnered and we play separately, why are you asking for his pics/a threesome?

Dry replies, lack of personality, 6 dick pics in a row that are almost identical, rampant porn brain, illiterate messages. Never reading the bio, my display name literally says READ THE BIO. Never sending a face pic or meeting in public, and then accusing me of wasting time because i won’t send my address. Trying to pressure me into not using condoms, fetishizing my body, the list goes on.

I have my best luck with guys late 30’s and up because younger guys seem to be not that bright and bitter for nothing. Feels like it takes all day and an act of congress to find 1 or 2 decent guys. And grindr makes you pay for this shit. I plan to migrate to sniffies and the blowers once my XTRA runs out. I’ve heard and seen that online dating is cooked. Is hooking up online cooked as well?

Ok so I've had enough of this. Since a lot of people don't read actual books anymore, let alone from authors they typically wouldn't seek out, there are a variety of books that go in depth about racial fetishization, I have increasingly been hearing discourse about "well Black or other POC gays fetishize white gay men too". I've seen a number of Reddit posts on it about this topic, and NONE OF THEM point out that it is very different when white men fetishize a POC, especially Black, and when POC fetishize white men, especially when Black men do it.

POCs are not the dominant group. The way beauty standards and racial hierarchies are dictated is rooted in those with the power to do so, which is from white men. It shapes the gay community at large and whiteness is centered. POCs who fetishize have been conditioned by those structures that are rooted in the power that the dominant group has that associates whiteness with higher status, proximity to power, and many other social advantages. So when whiteness is constantly elevated and rewarded, it is very different from when white men fetishize POCs.

The adult film industry is a very good example of this. It is white men who own the overwhelming majority of these companies. The only requirement it seems for Black men is to fulfill their "BBC" fantasy. Black men gotta have the inches, but will get paid less than white men with less inches. Asian men are almost never tops of any man, and most interracial Blk/wht relationships the Black guy is the top. Y'all can pretend that there isn't some element of race play in a lot of interracial relationships, but you'd be fooling yourselves and most of y'all aren't ready for that conversation about unconscious bias. You think because you aren't engaged in role play as master and slave that you are free from there being a hint of racial stereotypes at play in your interracial relationships.

I'm also a clinical therapist and I was initially taken aback about how often race is like the elephant in the room when I have done couples therapy with interracial couples; especially Black/whte interracial couples. Our desires aren't formed in a vacuum and we are all victims of conditioning; even white people. Of course this doesn't apply to all interracial relationships, but if you are offended by it then ya know...if it doesn't apply let it fly.

But I really need people to start reading books from authors that have studied racial fetishization extensively, and not just go off of what you and your gaggle of gays shared with each other at brunch over the weekend based off of your personal experiences and what you observe on Grindr. I really wish we could have more serious and in depth discussions about these things because most of the conversations I have seen on similar topics, in my opinion, are very intellectually lazy and only scratch the surface on what is a very complicated topic that has historical roots going back to slavery.

I also say this as someone who is Black and didn't have the typical experience with white men the way a lot of Black men do. I am very fair skinned and have phenotypical features that society praises. The way I dress and speak is anything but the DL thug of your BBC chasing fantasy. So I was more accepted into white spaces beyond sex and was taken more seriously as a romantic partner because I didn't fit the stereotype. It was almost half like being allowed in "the club", but a lot of y'all tell on yourselves when you are around Black people that are palatable to you and not like "those other Blacks".

I grew up in a predominantly white upper middle class neighborhoods and went to predominantly white primary and secondary schools, as well as a predominantly white university. I internalized the same social hierarchies and thought white boys were the prize. I also viewed Black men in the same demonic ways that many white and non Black POCs do where the hypersexuality was the lens I approached them with, but was hesitant to ever consider many of them for relationships. Yes, Black people can be antiBlack and fortunately I did a lot of work to unravel that through the years; work that many people don't want to take the time to do. We don't like to have to really challenge what makes us aroused, and analyze why we have certain desires because it will probably reveal uncomfortable truths. It is why people love to hide behind the word preference. Some are genuine with it, but many people's prejudice is masquerading as "preference". But many of y'all aren't ready for that conversation either; another one I usually find intellectually lazy.

So in conclusion, the whole "well white gay men are fetishized as well" discourse that omits critical nuance to the discussion, is giving "reverse racism", which doesn't exit. Please stop and strive for a level beyond mediocrity if you are going to initiate these types of discussions. Reddit is obviously not a site where you need to be a specialist or be peer reviewed to post something, but it is annoying as hell to those of us who have read extensively about this topic, and have it watered down from people who sound like they read with their finger.

They don't ever have to deal with rejection based on race because most are racially ambiguous looking and are thus considered "acceptable" to the mainstream gay culture. The only thing they have to worry about is gaining weight. If I could go to sleep and wake up Latino, I would be singing to the clouds.

As a feminine gay black man who is in his 30s and has been out since I was 16, I can honestly say that my dating life has been non-existent. and it wasn't for lack of trying neither. From the get-go, I understand that we all have preferences and I would never shame or berate a guy for not being into me (or just fem guys in general). But I wish I was more prepared to understand just how hard dating was going to be as a black fem gay man.

This isn't to say that I don't attract any guys at all but they are few and far between and they usually aren't my type as I usually only tend to attract old white men (a lot of whom are BBC fetishists) and DL hood guys and I'm not into that at all. And the other half are picture-less profiles who refuse to send photos or if they do, thy just send dick pics. I was mostly experiencing this on Grindr and on Jack'd, I just get the same kind of guys. And even on my Instagram, whenever I share photos of myself or outftis, while my reach doesn't get very far, I've noticed that a lot of the guys who do like my posts and/or follow me, they are usually photo-less or again, older men...

I think the hardest thing about this is that it feels like I can't even have a preference since the guys who are my type are seldom into me. And I think it stings even more because I've put so much effort into trying to be the best "me" I can be. I workout and have a slim build that i love, I eat relatively healthy, and I have hobbies to help keep my mind invested in something. But yet my being feminine presenting seems to be that much of a deal-breaker and it can be depressing since I'm so comfortable with myself. And when it comes to my feminine look, while I do have a somewhat darker alternative style (lots of tight fitting black clothes, crosses/ankhs jewelry), my style is still a bit tame compared to what I sometimes see, like I don't do the long nails or false eyelashes, lips. or wearing short skirts and stuff like that.

But i also can't help but feel that when you're black and feminine, it just makes you all the more undesirable because of the rigid stereotype black gay men are placed into and I just can't help but feel that non-black gay men who are feminine, tend to be a tad more liked or desired (among our already shallow dating pool).

And that is why I wanted to make this post, I wanted to hear from other black feminine gay men how your dating lives have been like? How have you been managing?

And to those about to ask if I'm open to and/or attracted to other fem guys, my answer is that I can be but it depends but honestly, I'm not into guys who are much more feminine presenting them me and I prefer more androgynous to soft-masculine looks in other guys.

A type of guy that has a very masculine energy? Like very macho, bro-y vibe to him. Has large arms with a swaggery walk to him, chest puffed out. Stuff like that.

I kind of developed a liking to a guy at work. He isn't exactly my Boss as I work for a different company within the building, but we work within the same vicinity. When I first seen him I liked the way he carried himself. He gives off a very macho/masculine energy which I like a lot in a guy. And plus he is kind of beefy. The reason I am asking this is because I feel like I am picking up signs of him developing an interest in me as well, but I dont want to look like an idiot.

While I am working, he basically pretends that I dont exist. But when I take all my work stuff off, he starts to "notice" me. That's when I'd see him actually acknowledging me. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but one time I was working at my desk and he walked by in front of me doing this swagger walk.It's just things like that, and it makes me feel like he's trying to communicate something to me? But I dont think a guy like that would be interested in me. But we had a very odd encounter where he wanted to take something from my work area, and he reached behind him like he was going to grab something, but he decided not to and just walked away pretending like he didn't see me. What do you guys think? I dont come across like the most manly/high maintenance guy ever, but I do take care of myself. So I'd think if he was then he'd have been did something :/.

All my life I've felt ugly. People treat me like I'm a monster. I've been bullied for being black dark skin, fat , just made to feel like a monster. It's if I'm not being bullied and ridiculed , then I'm being ignored. Now I'm on line it's weird. It's like I thought If I posted pictures of myself on here people will call me ugly. But I was surprised that I was being fetishized. It's like it felt good at first because I've always hated myself but now it's not ok anymore. Like I would get dms about how much people love my black skin , my dark skin and body, but eventually it become not ok. Constantly getting racially centered dms about raceplay, BNWO , BBC, just gets to me after awhile. I've lost about 50 pounds, and while the attention from people who liked bigger guys was nice at first, after awhile I got tired constantly getting seen just for it. Honestly sometimes I think to my "why can't I just be the cute guy at the office"?. Like sometimes I think about how would be like to just be a normal person who might be attractive. Like in a conventional way, someone who basically everyone's type. It's like it's hard always being reminded of the polarizing affect I have on people. It's like the virgin whore Madonna complex. It's like I'm either the monster or I'm a sex deviation.

I’m a 27 year old gay Black man originally from Nigeria but I’ve lived in the UK since my teens, and lately I’ve become really frustrated with how overwhelmingly negative online discussions about Black people, dating, travel, and social life seem to be.

Every time I search anything involving Black experiences — it’s always “we’re undesirable”, “nobody wants us”, “don’t travel to this country/city”, “queer spaces hate Black people”, “dating is hopeless”, etc. And while I’m not blind to the fact racism and bias exist, I’m honestly struggling to relate to the constant doom and negativity online.

My real life experience has been much more nuanced. I’ve travelled around Europe and other countries, lived in different UK cities, have a very active social life, have been approached by different races, have dated/hooked up with different kinds of people, and overall I’ve generally felt pretty normal and desirable as a person. Sure, I’ve experienced rejection or awkward moments before — but who hasn’t? I reject people too. Attraction is mutual sometimes and not mutual other times. That’s just dating.

What frustrates me is how hard it is to find positive or even balanced conversations online. Instead, it feels like algorithms only push pain, fear, rejection and racial anxiety over and over again until you start questioning your own reality.

Is anyone else tired of this? Not denying racism exists, but just wanting a more balanced and human perspective instead of constant negativity?

So, I was having this real good connection on grindr with this guy. All was going good until he suddenly asked me if I'm into race play. I've always heard about race play, but always thought it was damn near a myth until today. He just completely ruined what could have possibly been a good night. I didn't think my generation (millennials) even engaged in that type of foolishness -smh.