u/morinothomas

It could be very well what or how I present myself, how or what I look like on them and there's nothing inherently wrong with older men, but thorough my experiences, it's never anyone within my age range (I'm 33). Obviously an ideal option is to go outside (if not THE viable option) and meet people, but it makes me question myself.

Even when I go to conventions for vacation, it's never anyone at the event while it's people OUTSIDE of it messaging me, "Oh what's X event?". If anything in general, my grievance is that it's often older white men, never POC or anyone around my age.

From my 20's to now early 30's, I resigned to feeling like the ugly friend or just objectively unattractive in general. I'm darker than most and due to having faced colorism growing up, that felt like a strike. I'm taller and more heavy-set than most so that's another strike (at 6'6" and 346 lbs, but trying to remedy my relationship with food and exercise). My features are not soft, so that's a third strike.

To be honest, I just leave men alone because I see myself as this awkward, scary dark presence and that's not physically or socially attractive in the slightest.

I am 33M and if irrelevant gay, and I primarily live a very irregular if not sexless life as a single male. I don't really succeed on the apps and when I do receive attention, it's often from people who fetishize my body and race/ethnicity. While I am not a virgin and I'm not experiencing any health complications regarding sex, to my own admission I feel lonely, pent-up and touch-starved at times to which masturbation only does so much. However, it doesn't affect my work or social life (eg: friendships).

The last time I hooked up with someone was with a friend last year in January, which wasn't enjoyable to be candid. On topic, I am trying to improve my life in other areas; I received my Bachelor's/second degree last year as a returning student, I'm improving my credit and financial well-being so I can acquire a car and move out or at least go out more and meet people. I'm even exercising and improving my relationship with food (alongside GLP-1's) so I can boost my attractiveness and better my health. I'm even considering seeing a sex therapist or returning to therapy to navigate things and manage my depression.

The reason why I'm asking this is because as aforementioned, I miss intimacy as rarely as I've experienced it, and that's not blaming anyone else for that (I don't believe that I'm entitled to anyone). I feel it's affecting my emotional and mental health, not to the extent of disrupting my life, but I miss holding and sharing something with a person.

I don't mean to mope or vent here, let alone on my main account. I just didn't know where to express this in a proper way without sounding incel-ish.

I dabbled in Aikido during middle school as my first-ever martial arts, and joined the Tae Kwon Do club during university, reached 1st Keub (Junior Black Belt/Deputy Red) before taking a hiatus from school. During TKD, I competed in Poomsae divisions and got to visit New York for the first time, earning medals here and there. I really miss it, but that was about over seven years ago (I just turned 33) so I don't believe I could pick up where I left off. If I were able to resume training and receive my 1st-Degree Black Belt, I would love to pivot to Kendo or Karate.

I personally never saw martial arts "exist" much in the Black community growing up, let alone in LGBTQ spaces, but obviously that's just me (aside from Michael Jai White, to my memory, there were an array of Black Olympians in Paris that did martial arts, Teddy Reiner being one of them). As a tall, built child, everyone kept begging me to take up Basketball or Football and nothing else (I cared for neither, I'm not even gonna lie), and plus, martial arts was never seen as a "real sport" to them (even now).

As a gay man, being a martial artist (albeit perhaps not a solid one) made me feel like an outlier, and even intimidating at that. At 6'6" and looking like a bouncer, I feel I'm already "menacing" enough and I've been told in a past post (of course not rudely) how that can put people on guard.

At the end of the day, we're not a monolith whether Black or gay, so I don't know.

33M. Last year I returned to university to wrap up my BA in Media and Communications Studies with a Minor in Writing (I took a hiatus in 2019, but COVID happened the following year so I just worked full-time in retail until my current job in 2022). I also have an AA in Visual Arts, though while I don't know if that stands as a second degree. I have an odd combination of degrees and work experience.

I currently work as a bank teller but my overall work experience has been customer service. My role is comfortable and nearly stress-free, and pays okay ($21 hourly), but even though I'm much more stable and "tuned" financially, I'm not rolling in money either. I also still live at home at 33, but I split rent and overall have good home life. I do see myself having my own place, but don't make enough on my own to do so.

The reason why I want to leave my current role is that banking is not for me. I am not bad at my job as it's slow and low-key (I work for a credit union), but there is no ascension in terms of employment. I do my job and go home. Part-time, I am a YouTube Partner, but I only earn money so often from that and it's more of a hobby if anything (I mainly vlog conventions and do reaction videos).

Opportunities I would like to acquire are more of the clerical side, but recently medical-adjacent roles have caught my eye. Customers at my current job have said I'm patient, kind, gentle and pleasant, and a part of me wants a job where I can help and just be nice to people and help them if that means anything. I have a new coworker who isn't the most pleasant with our credit union members at times, and I don't want that for myself.  I even thought about being an X-Ray tech randomly.

On the other hand, I predominantly want to be left alone and not be bothered with many people. Something that's well-paying but not too people forward.

33M. Last year I returned to university to wrap up my BA in Media and Communications Studies with a Minor in Writing (I took a hiatus in 2019, but COVID happened the following year so I just worked full-time in retail until my current job in 2022). I also have an AA in Visual Arts, though while I don't know if that stands as a second degree. I have an odd combination of degrees and work experience.

I currently work as a bank teller but my overall work experience has been customer service. My role is comfortable and nearly stress-free, and pays okay ($21 hourly), but even though I'm much more stable and "tuned" financially, I'm not rolling in money either. I also still live at home at 32, but I split rent and overall have good home life. I do see myself having my own place, but don't make enough on my own to do so.

The reason why I want to leave my current role is that banking is not for me. I am not bad at my job as it's slow and low-key (I work for a credit union), but there is no ascension in terms of employment. I do my job and go home. Part-time, I am a YouTube Partner, but I only earn money so often from that and it's more of a hobby if anything (I mainly vlog conventions and do reaction videos).

Opportunities I would like to acquire are more of the clerical side, but recently medical-adjacent roles have caught my eye. Customers at my current job have said I'm patient, kind, gentle and pleasant, and a part of me wants a job where I can help and just be nice to people and help them if that means anything. I have a new coworker who isn't the most pleasant with our credit union members at times, and I don't want that for myself.  I even thought about being an X-Ray tech randomly.

On the other hand, I predominantly want to be left alone and not be bothered with many people. Something that's well-paying but not too people forward.

Dating back to college, I remember navigating r/askgaybros as a "baby gay" and very much resent myself for doing so by placing myself in that realm; in retrospect the space felt catty, vicious, micro - if not - macroaggressive, even transphobic, and the energy was overall bitchy and tactless. Granted, it was/is unmoderated and the Discord server wasn't much better (the icon was literally The Burn Book from Mean Girls), but I mourn a small part of my younger self for being there online. I don't think r/gaybros is much better, either.

r/AskGaybrosOver30 isn't as bad and has IMO a much more mature air, but admittedly I envision the main demographic as a jury of older white men. Admittedly I'm not the most positive person at times so perhaps it was a matter of receiving what I put out, but I'll always remember someone calling me "misshapen" for my body size and lifestyle, and another person deeming me as not a "long-term option" because of my BMI and health (and that I would die soon; I'm chronically ill with weight-related issues, but I'm currently down 13-18 lbs via exercise, GLP-1's, and calorie tracking).

Once in their respective Discord server, a mod targeted me for chatting in the "NSFW-general" server and urged I chat in other spaces (the NSFW channel was where the conversations at the time predominantly happened, and I never posted any NSFW content). When I challenged this and questioned if the mod brought this to anyone else's attention, he claimed that "he did, but others actually listened." I left immediately because I thought it was weird for a mod to dictate where someone chats unless they were actually causing trouble.

I'm glad to have sought out and found r/BlackLGBT and r/AskBlackGayBros, but WOO I lost a lot of "joy" and self-confidence and esteem on the way, not by centering whiteness or anything of the sort but by just trying to find community (all the while managing mental illness which admittedly led to clashing in online spaces, to which I own up to).

I was in brief contact with a gym for a Judo program, and one of the staff members opened for questions on my end and what was I looking for, what was my martial arts experience, etc. Thorough the conversation, I later disclosed that I'm looking to lose weight and return to my previous/pre-COVID weight (349 to 280-300) to improve my overall health.

When the staffer asked my weight, I disclosed that I was 349 lbs at 6'6" (with the gym, GLP-1's and calorie tracking, I recently lost 10 lbs which is a win, I guess). There was a brief halt in conversation before he responded to ask if I considered Muay Thai, Kickboxing, or Boxing, due to that Judo "would be harder on [my] body". He then advised that once I reached my ideal weight, then I could aim for Judo.

I was a bit taken back by this, though not necessarily offended; I responded that I would deliberate on those options and haven't texted back since. To be honest, I never had interest in Muay Thai or Boxing, and I'm still on my weight loss journey. *Do* I need to lose weight before Judo or was I mis-advised?