r/BlackLGBT

TW: sexual assault / stealthing / rape

I genuinely cannot believe I am writing this update.

For anyone who saw my previous posts: I reported a man I was seeing after he penetrated me without a condom after I had explicitly asked him beforehand if he had one on and he told me yes.

I found out afterward that he had lied.

I went to the hospital, had a SANE/rape kit done, made a police report, sat with investigators for hours going through everything, and turned over a large amount of evidence from before, during, and immediately after what happened.

On monday the investigation took a pretty major step forward.

Police arranged a controlled phone call between me and him.

At first, he was EXTREMELY suspicious.

I initially tried calling him normally, but he had blocked/deleted me on basically everything. The detective had a separate phone available, so I eventually contacted him through that.

The first conversation went badly. He immediately became defensive and angry.

Afterward, we continued communicating by text for quite a while.

He repeatedly acted like he thought I was trying to incriminate him. He was very careful about what he said and essentially indicated that he did not want to answer certain questions because he was worried about potentially incriminating himself if I reported him.

He also tried bringing up old sexual/CNC language between us and basically attempted the whole “but you said rape me before” argument.

There is one gigantic problem with that defense:

I literally have previous messages from HIM using the exact same “rape” terminology toward me before this incident.

So no, that word did not magically originate from me after the assault.

Eventually, after around an hour and a half of texting and talking, I was able to convince him that I was genuinely trying to understand what happened and potentially work things out rather than trying to get him arrested.

My best friend had previously spoken with him and had sent me a message essentially saying that maybe we could work things out. I showed him that.

That seemed to lower his guard.

He eventually called me again.

And that is where everything changed.

During that conversation, while the investigator was there listening/recording, he acknowledged what happened.

He apologized repeatedly.

He talked about wanting forgiveness for his “transgressions.”

And, most importantly, he essentially acknowledged deliberately not using the condom and explained that part of his reasoning was that he wanted to “lock me in” relationship-wise.

That statement genuinely made my stomach drop.

Because one of the biggest questions I have been thinking about since this happened was whether he would eventually claim:

- the condom accidentally came off,

- he thought I knew,

- I consented to not using one,

- he misunderstood me,

- or I somehow fabricated everything after the fact.

Instead, I now potentially have him, on a police-controlled recording, acknowledging that the condom non-use was intentional and giving a reason for doing it.

He also apologized and wanted me to unblock him afterward and continue talking to him.

I am absolutely not doing that.

The investigator heard everything.

She told me that the case is continuing forward and that investigators intend to approach him in person and seek a DNA sample. My own forensic evidence is still being processed, which can obviously take time.

I am not going to pretend this means somebody is automatically getting arrested tomorrow or convicted. Prosecutors still have to review everything, decide what Florida law supports charging, and the legal process is the legal process.

But emotionally?

I feel like a massive weight came off my chest today.

Sexual assault cases so often come down to one person saying something happened and the other person simply denying it.

I was terrified that eventually this would become:

“She says I lied about the condom.”

versus

“No I didn't.”

Instead, investigators now have my contemporaneous messages from immediately afterward, medical/forensic evidence, previous evidence showing that condoms were an explicit boundary between us, recordings and communications surrounding what happened, and now apparently his own words about deliberately not using one.

That feels fucking surreal.

I spent the first couple days afterward feeling confused, violated, sad, and wondering whether anyone would actually believe me.

Hearing the person who did it finally acknowledge it, after initially trying so hard not to incriminate himself, was probably the first moment since this happened where I felt like I could actually exhale.

I know this isn't over.

DNA still has to process. Investigators still have work to do. Prosecutors eventually have to review the case. Nothing about the criminal justice system happens overnight.

But that was a very, very significant step.

And for the first time since this happened, I actually feel some relief.

Please do not try to identify him, contact him, contact his family, or play internet detective. This is an active police investigation and I want law enforcement to handle it.

Transitioning has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, but detransitioning has been a completely different kind of challenge.

I socially transitioned in 2020 and started medical transition in 2021. After being on hormones for several years, I eventually decided to stop. Coming to that decision wasn’t easy, especially after investing so much time, emotion, and hope into my transition.

One of the hardest parts of detransitioning is realizing that some changes may be reversible while others may not be. You also have to adjust to changes in your body, appearance, emotions, and the way people perceive you. There are moments when you question yourself and wonder whether you made the right decisions.

But I’ve learned that changing direction doesn’t mean I failed. My transition was part of my life, and detransition is also part of my journey. I don’t have to hate who I was before, and I don’t have to pretend those years never happened.

The biggest thing that has kept me going is learning not to live my life based on what other people think of me. People will have opinions regardless of what you do. At the end of the day, I have to live in my own body and be honest with myself.

Detransitioning is not easy, especially after medical transition, but I’m slowly learning to accept myself where I am now. I’m still figuring things out, and I don’t have all the answers but I’m giving myself permission to move forward without shame.

This is a particular conversation that I feel like needs to be had but can only be be understood by a select few. I've dated Blk bisexual/pansexual men who will outright say they prefer white, Latino, Asian etc femboys because they're more feminine than black ones. When you dissect what they mean by that it's usually tied to their race. They've some how masculinized Blk femboys due to their blackness. While being anything BUT Blk makes you appear more feminine to them. I find it highly problematic because it tends to result in these non black femboys being pedestalized while the Blk ones are degraded. I've had so many arguments with Blk men about it who try to dismiss it as a preference but it's more than that. The effects of living in a Eurocentric society has shaped our perceptions and unless you're aware of it, you're not going to recognize why you have these preferences. I often find it's rare Blk men (not all) are will to do the internal work to dismantle white supremacy. Thoughts?

I been told by older gheys it hasn't always been this way but around the 2000s there was a serious uptick in fights. I know when I entered the scene around the early 2010s the fights were in full swing. I vividly remember seeing two Morehouse butch queenz fight my first pride which baffled me b/c I thought Morehouse was a prestigious school full of uppity preppy men who knew better to not engage in hood street fights and mess up their future

I been to many black prides around the world. Nobody seem to come close to the fights at Atlanta Black Pride. It's almost as if people come to Atlanta specifically to fight and start mess. I don't know why other races can almost always peacefully have pride but Black gheys hate each other so much it's almost always impossible.

I will likely be in Atlanta b/c I live here but I won't be participating in anything. Like I stated before Atlanta Black Pride has lost the plot. It's not as fun and dynamic as it used to be, especially since lesbians took it over. No shade to lesbians but we move very different. And the constant fights and drama have ruined it for me .... ain't nobody got time for that

It's come to my attention that Ive forgotten how to flirt, and beginning my transition has made it even harder and stranger. I also can't tell when people are flirting with me. I literally just misread a man trying to take me home for trying to put my band up for the night.

How do you flirt? How do you know someone is flirting with you?

I've heard eye contact, but to me that just means you're listening. I've heard touching people, but it feels rude and inappropriate to touch people you haven't established enough of a friendly rapport from. I've heard complimenting them, but that's never seemed to move the needle for me and I assume people complimenting me are being nice.

Hey my name is Andre I’m 26 and recently come out as bi. I’m looking to make some friends . If any one likes to game I play Xbox and PlayStation. I hope
I get to meet some good people