u/DarkSunLepus

Pretty sure cn text calls him a teenager but I might be wrong. I can't tell from his character story whether he's that young or he's at least close to young adult.

TW: transphobia, internalized transphobia.

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In all honesty, I'm just very tired of constantly feeling like I'm an evil faker who preys on gay men, like somehow I'm worse than a r*pist.

I had some bad run-in with transphobes and terfs, since then I have made it a rule to leave any LGBTQIA+ pages and groups as well as ignore any contents and media about cis gay men, because I feel like I'm an imposter and I can not handle seeing cis men without feeling incredibly jealous and dysphoric of their body and socialization.

Earlier today I encounter a post on a topic I like and it's made by a gay men, who I assume is cis. I enjoy the content but almost immediately the guilty feeling kicks in. In my head there are two voices fighting each other. One says "You're also a gay guy, of course it's okay like another gay guy's content especially if he has the same interests as yours!" and the other says "You're a delusional woman faker who's overly obsessed with gay men and you're trying to come up with reasons to prey on them!"

All in all, I'm just tired, really, especially when I can't even enjoy some random content about my interests. I do have a huge problem with being cis-centered and idolizing cis men that I'm trying to work on. I just want to navigate the world with a bit more ease, but the simple fact that there are more cis men than trans men and I can not stop being attracted to men makes nothing easier.

I have joined every trans men space I could find and I'm very happy that all these spaces treat gay trans men as normal, they have give me a lot hope and encouragement. However reality is still reality, and I'm still living in a world where cis men are the majority.

At this point I think the only thing that will give me a bit of peace is transitioning and t4t relationship. I just hope that these come soon enough, but I also don't think I will ever not be sad for not being born cis.