Wife wants a fourth child and I do not. Details within. Heads-Up: this is a long post.
Some background: We currently have 6M, 4F, and 2F.
Last year we accidentally conceived, only for it to end in a miscarriage. During the pregnancy (prior to the miscarriage) though, I was heavily advocating for an abortion as I do not want another child, but she wasn't hearing anything of it. In her mind, the child was going to be born.
However, the miscarriage occurred. Frankly, I was happy about that. Wife was not (to put it very lightly). Moiving on, that pregnancy has seemingly placed the idea of a fourth in her mind that she "sees the family as incomplete and desperately wants another child." I couldn't be more opposite.
To me, a fourth seems like madness and was never an option. I feel very strongly that our third child was the compromise. We has already had a boy and girl with our first two, and I didn't feel the need for a third.
Since the miscarriage last year I've been advocating for a vasectomy to avoid conceiving again--wife isn't on board. Therefore, I've been abstaining which my wife knows because I told her that is my intent.
Well, things have recently come to a head where she and I have been discussing the topic much more and it isn't going well.
I'll first start by stating what I believe to the crux of the issue: My wife believes that I'm being extremely selfish that I am "deciding for both of us" to not have another child. She's stated that she hates me so much that I stand so firm in not wanting a child given that I can see how much this is hurting her. In her words, she is "devastated and in despair" about the thought of not having another and that I don't care about her to support her. And finally, she's stated that this is her new normal and that she'll resent me forever and pretend every day to not hate me in front of our kids.
With the wave tops out of the way, I'll dig into the minutia:
I tell her that me not wanting a fourth is not the same as not caring about what she wants. I can both care about her and not want a fourth child.
My reasons for not wanting a fourth child:
a) It's fucking hard and a lot of work. the idea of another feels so dautning. I feel that my youngest is just now coming to an age (2y4m) where she doesn't need so much attention. I find comfort in the fact that everyday life feels a little easier.
b) Potential financial instability. Truthfully, we'll more than likely be fine, but that doesn't mean there won't be a chance. I find comfort in the fact that I know we'll be ok right now. In short, a fourth could be de-stabilizing.
b2) Kids are expensive. I'd rather take what we have not and split it amongst 5 people rather than 6.
c) Risk of disabled child or multiples.
d) Potential resentment for wife/child.
e) Logistical things: we have 4bdrs now, not five which means someone is going to have to share. We have a three row car, but still food costs $ too.
f) My wife has student loans, and she currently homeschools the kids. Fortunately, they've been in deferment (?) and haven't been costing anything, but what happens if/when they come back? Wife doesn't have an answer.
- Her reasons for wanting another:
a) More to love. Another human in our lives to share joy with.
b) Seeking a feeling of completeness.
c) Both of our mother's are in the area, so it helps.
d) Feels that the whole point of life is to raise kids.
And really I do again want to underscore the largest sore point right now: She believes that I'm completely selfish to not even consider the idea of a fourth given how much hurt she is in and how badly she does want another child and that's not what partners who love one another do. To her "If I truly cared about her and loved her then I would consider it". The problem there is that no matter how much I consider it, if I still choose that I don't want a fourth, then I am still selfish.
I disagree. Some of the major life-items I supported that wouldn't be if wife didn't introduce them: going to church, getting a dog, move from one house to another, the third child, getting a kia carnival, not working and homeschooling.
Ok I'm out of steam now from writing this, so I'll end here:
It just feels that we are truly at an impasse and it's just lose-lose all around. If you have advice at all, I'm truly grateful.