r/Shouldihaveanother

I’m pretty sure I only want two children, and I think that’s what we can realistically handle while still giving them—and ourselves—a good life.
However, I’ve always had this fear of losing a child, and then my remaining child would be left alone. I know that would be deeply tragic no matter how many children you have.

Has anyone else ever felt this way?

I really wish I could let go of this thought and tell myself that it’s not going to happen. I think this fear comes from the fact that two kids deaths at my elementary school when I was growing up. 💔

Hi all! I am a ftm to a 15 month old little boy! My husband and I are currently discussing the idea of another child sometime in the future.

The problem is this: my mental health got extremely bad postpartum with my first. Extreme postpartum anxiety and depression. Even some SI. I am in therapy now and have been doing lots better since starting therapy. My baby was also a very colicky baby. He screamed constantly unless he was sleeping for like 12 weeks. And even after that he was what I think would be considered a very high needs baby. He still has zero chill as a toddler but it’s just more like tantrums and getting into everything all the time.

My husband was and never has been what you would consider a “baby guy.” He loves our son and is super involved with him now. He was involved when he was a baby but you could tell that he was at a loss most of the time and had never been around a baby before. Hes mentioned several times that hes just now starting to enjoy time with our son and he doesn’t want to do the baby stage again. More importantly he says that he’s worried that neither he nor I can handle another postpartum period like I had with our first. He says our marriage won’t survive it and he’s worried that I potentially wouldn’t “survive” it (if you get his drift). I admit that things got very dark and our marriage has taken a big hit — especially before me starting therapy. The mental health aspect scares me too — that was one of the worst times in my life (mood/self image wise). I am worried that it will happen again. I am worried that our second would be just as hard of a baby as our first has been. But I also don’t feel done. I don’t want my little boy to grow up alone, to go through life alone, to bury us alone. My sister and I fight but I wouldn’t ever wish I didn’t have her. I feel that if I don’t have another that I will look back and regret it. My husband doesn’t feel he would regret not having another, he’s perfectly fine with things the way they are now. He was essentially an only child — he did have a stepsister that is 9 years his senior.

My husband feels he is OAD. I feel like I need one more. And to elaborate: prior to getting married we had always discussed two children and agreed on that. Having the first has just changed things with how badly it went for a while.

I guess I am asking for some perspectives/advice here?

If you had severe postpartum symptoms with your first, were they better or worse with your subsequent pregnancies/births?

If you had a really hard baby first, was your secind easier or harder?

What age gap would you veteran parents recommend for someone in my situation if we decide to proceed with another baby?

And do I regret not soaking it up better with my second? When I had my second baby, I was pretty convinced I would have a third. So those last milestones, I never really soaked in.

My last time feeling baby kicks in my belly, my last time leaving the hospital with a newborn, my last time seeing my baby wear the cute newborn onesie I remember eagerly picking out for my first born. All the newborn stuff is neatly packed away for the next baby…. But am I ready to accept the last time I used those items was really the last? Do I even remember it?

The irony is, if I had a third, I’d have less time to soak it all in… not more. I’d probably have one school aged kindergartener and one preschooler that id be shuffling about to school, lessons, doctors etc.

I have a 1.5yr old and a 3.5yr old. Another irony is, I feel that I think about this so often that it’s distracting me from soaking in the age they are RIGHT NOW. Which is adorable and just as sweet, fleeting and special as the newborn or pregnancy stage.

I’ve always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids (a big family). The opposite of what i had growing up. But now I have two… especially my youngest coming out of the baby phase… things are starting to get easier. I can actually think about date nights, or a weekend away without kids, or travel as a family. Am I willing to give all that up for another 3 years or so? Am I willing to deny my eldest opportunities because her mum is so busy with the new baby? Would the benefit of a new sibling outweigh this?

The guilt of not soaking up every single moment eats me up every single day. They say something cute that I swear I’m going to write in their journal, and it’s forgotten the next day. Time is slipping through my fingers, and I’m struggling to soak it all in.

My 2 girls are 22 months apart. They're now 6 and 4.

Right after I had our second I definitely wanted another, but my husband needed time. He recently told me that he's 100% on board if I still want another. Now I'M the one oscillating 🙄

They'd be 7 and 5 when we had our third if all goes as planned. Is this too big of a gap? I know going back to nappies is a big undertaking... but I also love the idea of having a bigger family for the rest of our years. But it's a lot of work...

Any words of wisdom? Anybody have a similar age gap? Or come from a family with a similar age gap?

TIA 💕

I just literally found out hours ago that I’m pregnant after my son is about to start kindergarten and I’ve been going through a lot of mental health struggles getting off some medication. I was on for a long time for grief. We have literally no one all four parents are deceased. All grandparents are deceased. It’s quite literally me my husband and my son. I just barely got time back to myself and I’m still dealing with the ups and downs of discontinuing my medication. I stopped the medication because I went through a lot of therapy to deal with grief in the passing of all my loved ones and I did so under Dr supervision.

A lot of the reason that I wanted another was so my son could have a friend but I don’t even know if they would even be close!

I’m struggling heavily because my one is everything to me and starting Kindergarten and I don’t know about starting over. If you are against me having an option to terminate please don’t guilt me more than I already am.

I have no support system and just told one friend that I am considering terminating and she read me the whole riot act on why I shouldn’t even be considering that. Really retreat that conversation. Any advice please. Thank you.

I have a newly 4 and 2 year old and am considering a third soonish due to age (I’m almost 36). I feel confident and excited about the idea of a third BABY, but want to be ready for a third full-on KID, as I know the baby phase is very temporary in the grand scheme of having kids. But it feels impossible to foresee what that will be like without having experienced it yet. My 4 year old is still only part-time at school, my newly 2 year old is still in a crib.

What is raising school age kids like? Easier than the baby/toddler phase or harder in different ways? Like when they are 7 and 5, will it feel easier because they are fully potty trained, more independent, more safety-aware, can get in the car and buckle themselves, etc?

I know it sounds silly I just want to make sure I am fully prepared to handle three full-on kids and their extra curriculars as I know that third kid won’t always be able to be in a wearable baby carrier while I tend to the older two’s needs/activities/feelings.

If you have 3 school age kids are you glad you had the third and how is life going? Any advice you’d give to someone like me?

If you stopped at two when your kids were little, do you wish you had a third because life now feels a little easier now that your kids are older? Or are you glad you stopped when you did and already feel stretched or just right?

My transition from 0 kids to 1 was seamless. I always wanted a baby, and adjusted very well. That being said, my daughter was easy. Barely cried, napped well, went to bed no problem, etc. We then had an (unplanned) 18mo gap and my second….was hard to say the least. He’s 15mo old and has gotten worlds better, but still is so tough at times. Needless to say, the transition from 1 to 2 was rough. I’ve always wanted 3, and I truly don’t feel done. However, how much more stress does that third one bring? I feel like I already am juggling 2, how much harder could a 3rd one be? For some context, I work, and kids go to an in home daycare 3 days a week, with my husband/other family picking up the other two. Just looking for others to weigh in on their experiences!

I’m thinking about having another child, but there would be almost a 10-year age gap between my first child and a new baby.

My first child was from a previous marriage when I was very young.

For those of you who have kids with a similar age difference, what has your experience been like?

Did your older child adjust well to having a baby sibling?

Are they close now, or does the age gap make it difficult to bond?

What were the biggest pros and cons of starting over after so many years?

If you could do it again, would you still choose to have another child with that age gap?

I’d love to hear the good, the bad, and the unexpected. I’m trying to decide if this is the right choice for our family, and real-life experiences would really help. Thank you!

Hi everyone! New mom here to an almost 7 month old. I have always known I wanted more than one kiddo (at least 3) I still believe I do - feel ready to physically be pregnant (not mentally) BUT it’s eating me up and consuming my brain that my baby won’t be my only anymore?? Even thinking ahead to 18 months when I’d like to start trying for another it just seems unattainable because of my strong emotions towards my first. I feel like I miss out on being present with him now because I’m thinking about the future kids.

has anyone solely decided to be one and done because feeling guilty of having another? Not imagining you could love another one like you do your first? Afraid of replacing them? The anxiety of not giving your first all the attention?

I know I’m not making any choices right now, but I just worry that the feeling of not being able to be able to divide my attention properly or always have lingering guilt that I’m not a good mom because I’m spending too much time with one compared to another will weigh too much on me but I know I’ll regret not having more 😭😅

AH!! Thank you in advance

I have always always wanted more than one child but since having my daughter I feel like conflicted (I want her to have siblings) but I’m so scared because I’m her favourite person ever she’s only nearly 2 and I’m so scared that she’d feel pushed out or that she has to “share” and I’m scared I couldn’t love more children the same I know everyone says it but I need opinions like I’ve never felt like a one and done until I had her and she became my whole world but I also don’t want to just have an only child but I’m so conflicted on what’s right to do so I need some like real life opinions from someone who can relate😭

I am pro choice. This decision has been very hard (abortion or not) and I feel if we had the baby, I would love the baby as my first born was adored as soon as he was earth-side. When pregnant both times I have been unsure. The first baby was supported by my husband, even though I was unsure. The second baby Ive had similar feelings, but part of me thinks Ill adore it, because I have loved my first. My husband has sat down and run some numbers, he is concerned about our finances. His business is just starting out as we have moved to a new area and its quite scary how slow its been. He is used to it taking off like it did previously. The pregnancy has put extra stress on the both of us. I am 9 weeks along. Things have also changed where we live where cost of living is increasing and still is - which concerns us. I was hoping to home school but a second concerns me. The flip side is I feel a sibling would be nice for my son who will be 4 if 2nd baby arrives. Im worried about taking opportunities away from my son by having another, also financially opportunities for my husband and I. My husband has expressed he prefers abortion and is supportive if I want to go ahead.

I feel abortion would really rock me, but I want to do the right thing by my family too. I wonder if I will feel more complete with 2 as people say, but at the same time I dont want to ruin my husbands mental health. He has been losing sleep when Ive discussed keeping it.

Any shared experiences would be appreciated... No pro-lifers please.

Our first is 15 months, and we love him so much.

Of course we’ve experienced the, “I couldn’t possibly love another as much as him.. let’s just have him!”

But we’ve also rationalized and know that we would likely love another just as much.

Having one is REALLY appealing. Time, attention, logistics, finances (for him and us) , flexibility.

But we did originally want 2, and there’s nothing in the way of having two (health concerns, or anything mentioned above.. we COULD have another without sweating, though we know it would be more work).

Again though, we are really fantasizing about being done already and how much we could get back to doing right away.

I think my biggest reasons for having another would be:
- I do love children. I think it would bring me joy to have another.
- Curious about experiencing two personalities instead of just one
- someone to lean on that’s not mom or dad (my mom died young)
- The potential sibling relationship
- 2 kid vs. 2 parent balance
- more potential future family
- less focus on one kid (for their benefit.. but maybe they would benefit?)

Reasons for not (in order of importance)
- Divided attention, less immersion in both their lives
- Divided monetary support
-More stress
- Lack of free time, flexibility, etc.
- less travel potential

I think my husband and I are pretty easygoing people. We wouldn’t be helicopter parents or Hawkeye him and make him feel like he has to succeed to gain our love.

I just don’t want to deprive him of a potentially once in a lifetime relationship or support down the road. But I also don’t want to deprive him of the most help we can give. I know it’s not guarantee they’ll like eachother, but from what I’ve read it seems to always come down to parenting. I think we’d be decent parents, so unless they really have extreme polar opposite personalties and temperaments (which is possible) they at least probably wouldn’t HATE eachother short or long term.

I don’t know ya’ll lol, help me out

I’m asking sincerely, not as a debate post.
For women/pregnant people, parents, people trying to conceive, or people planning families in states with abortion bans or severe restrictions: how has the legal environment affected you?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who want children or already have children, because I think this part often gets overlooked. Abortion bans do not only affect people who never wanted to be pregnant. They also affect people with wanted pregnancies, people who develop pregnancy complications, and people who already have living children depending on them.
Has living under these laws changed your willingness to get pregnant, where you would seek care, whether you would travel, or how safe you feel trusting doctors to help you if something goes wrong?
Please only share what you feel safe sharing. You do not have to name your state if you are uncomfortable.
I’m trying to understand what this is doing to people in real life, beyond the slogans and debates.

I’ve read so many posts and opinions on having a 3rd kid or not, but I haven’t seen my specific thoughts yet. Wanted to see if anyone related!

I have a 9 yo and 6 yo. I am 39. Four years ago, at age 35, I had my last miscarriage. (I’ve had 3 total, so I know the drill). I had a 5 yo and 2 yo at that time and life was just so different. Though it was so difficult, I almost had a partial sense of relief. My kids are boys, they are high high needs! Like not reliably sleeping through the night in their own beds for 9 years! And possibly adhd. And I was at capacity. And I thought I was done.

For the last year, my brain has flipped into: are we done? I don’t know if someone is missing from our family, but I do surely grieve that my kids are getting older. When I do school dropoff and come home to work from home alone, it’s the most depressing feeling. I miss them and I miss it all. So we’ve tried some months/not prevented other months. I think I’m ovulating and it’s possible but hasn’t happened. Prior to ovulation my brain is like full-blown “let’s do this!!”. Then after ovulation, I panic and get more 50/50 about everything and say “ok we should be done”. It’s definitely a more practical side, the worry about the age difference which will be 10 and 7 years! Worry about how we are now in youth sports and living a different lifestyle. But I would love to slow down and just be a mom of a baby again!

Can anyone relate??? Should I stop trying and grieve this ending or do I sound like a person who is going to be 50 with regret?

First 6 weeks of my babies life was not easy by any means, but things got significantly better after that. Considering a second, but want to know how the second baby compares to the first? Especially if the first wasn’t a super chill baby.

My fiance and I want another baby, in a couple years. We have two boys (4&5). This will be our final baby. Does anyone have experience with a large age gap. My boys are 11months apart. When we add a third in the mix. The boys will be most likely be (7&8). Any pros of the large age gap? I do know my boys will be more independent and can entertain themself alone or together.

Is having a second child mainly to give your first a playmate enough of a reason?

I've always thought it's a valid reason, but not enough to be the only reason. I love being a mom, but I've also always felt really daunted by the idea of having a second.

There are definitely a few things that appeal to me about having a second child, but for the most part, the idea feels so daunting that it stops me in my tracks. That's been the bigger feeling for me most days.

For those of you who have two kids, how much harder is it than having one?

I'm not interested in comparisons like, "Going from 0 to 1 was harder than 1 to 2." To me, those are completely different transitions. I'm specifically wondering what life is actually like once you have two.

I've heard that having a built-in playmate can make life easier once they're older, but I've also heard that two kids are far more than twice the work...

And what about a 5–6 year age gap? Does that really end up giving your first child a built-in playmate, or is the age difference too big for that?

Has this ever happened to any of you? We've waited until our first is 3yrs and just started trying this month. After months (if not years) of talking back and forth about it. We've been actively trying this month, timing ovulation and all. But something this time feels... Wrong. Every time we fool around it's filled with tension and stress (not our usual feelings during that time haha). And then when I was talking with my husband about the details of how we'll juggle the morning dropoff routine with a newborn and toddler, the details of managing something so simple seemed overwhelming.

He is now saying that's he's really feeling 60/40 on having another, and honestly so am I. We're in a gorgeous groove as a family, and I am easily tired out, we have extensive hobbies (pottery, renovations, sewing, lots of reading, I volunteer etc). I love the balance of family time and personal time we have right now.

My daughter had colic and never once took a bottle. I also was induced due to medical complications. It was all very stressful, to say the least. I am so enthralled by the idea of a having, let's say, a 14 and 10 year old one day. But I don't know how I'm going to survive the years until then. And my career will take yet another hit, as I left a promotion to go on mat leave and it looks like that will happen again this round.

I am also from a family with adoptees (my sister), so my husband and I have talked about fostering older children when our daughter is older (we were in the midst of taking fostering classes before we had our daughter), not with the intention of adoption, but just to take care of children who need a little temporary care in a stressful time of life, with adoption being something we'd be open to if reunification wasn't possible. I like the idea of caring for older children in our home because I truly don't handle pregnancy and postpartum well, but taking care of toddlers is honestly so much fun, haha

Anyways, I'm surprised that starting to try to expand our family is making the doubt surface more, especially since we're logical, pragmatic people who have talked about this all at great length. Any input or personal anecdotes are greatly appreciated!

We have decided that we would like to have another child provided it all works out of course. It will mean a 5+ age gap and I’m wondering what your experience has been as a parent and what you’ve observed your child’s experience is/ has been so far. Thank you!! ☺️

Hi everyone, interested in peoples experiences or knowledge on the area of planning the age gap for our potential third baby. My oldest starts school at the start of 2028 (we live in Australia). I think that transition could be challenging for him so this is a big factor in our planning. We had a 3.5 year age gap the first time.

My oldest starting school means that we would aim to either have a baby before he starts, and have a somewhere between 3-5 month old because I would be waiting until my youngest turns 2 - he turns 2 in july 2027, and I wouldn't want to have the new baby less than 3 months before my oldest starts school. Or wait until he starts school and then try, with the aim to be due late 2028/early 2029 (or whenever it happens).

A 2 year age gap scares me, especially because my first was such a challenging baby and we could end up with another one like that. But there are many benefits to having the 2 year age gap if we were successful in falling pregnant in that small window, including me being on maternity leave when my oldest starts school and being able to do all dropoffs and pick ups while he is adjusting to school. He has found daycare challenging at times so being available to support this would be a big positive (as long as I'm not dying from sleep deprivation and a colicky baby).

I'd love to hear peoples experiences with similar age gaps - either 3.5ish then 2ish years, or those who had 3.5ish and then another 3.5ish year gap. Is either likely to be particularly better or more challenging? My second baby has been really easy going and it was a very easy transition from 1 to 2.