r/Shouldihaveanother

My husband and I have always planned for 3 or 4 kids. We had our first in 2019 and had our second in 2021. We wanted a third with a similar age gap but our second born was an absolute menace. He’s now about to turn 5 and has really chilled out. He has finally matured and can reason, talk through his feelings, and is just so much more level headed. I thoroughly enjoy both of my boys and I think they are just awesome kids.

We have discussed a 3rd since my 2nd started calming down about 6 months ago but we had to wait because we have a trip planned for this summer that we didn’t want to bring an infant on. We are officially safe to start trying now but I feel so much apprehension. We want a child and we are ready in every physical aspect but it just feels weird. I think we’ve gotten so used to it being just the 4 of us. It was starting to feel like it would always be 4 of us because I truly couldn’t picture an infant in the mix when my youngest was in the depths of toddlerhood. We really didn’t know if we’d have more because I knew I couldn’t be a good mom if I had another at that point in time. I feel like I now have a lot more free time since my boys are independent. I find myself just watching them play outside with friends as I watch through the window. I know I have the capacity for a baby now.

I am a stay at home mom already so I have the bandwidth to handle a baby now that my boys are older. We have the space in our home. We have a van. We have a community. It just feels weird. Anyone been in this situation?

So I 33F and my husband 32M welcomed our first child via IVF in January this year. We tried for 6 years and I wanted this life so badly. I love my son with every ounce of my soul but this has been a lot harder than I anticipated. My husband is self employed and work has been crazy busy for him so I’ve been almost solo parenting since day 1, but he helps as best he can when he is home. We always said we wanted two children, I have siblings and so does he and I want that for my son, but I am struggling so much recently in what I assume is the dreaded 4 month sleep regression that I genuinely don’t see how I will cope through this, and the thought of doing it again with a toddler as well seems just hellish. My husband also agrees he has found it harder than he expected. My family are not close by, my husbands are but me and his mum are polar opposites so we do get on ok but having her around stresses me out more than doing this alone.
I feel I want a second child so my son won’t be alone since he will have no cousins to grow up with (none of our siblings are having children) or anything, but I just can’t justify that as a good enough reason. And I worry that with a second I won’t be able to enjoy my son and the life I dreamed of after everything I went through to get him here. I also don’t want to wait too long before having a second due to my age so there is a bit of a deadline for this decision.
Did anyone who made the decision to not have more while in the trenches of sleep regression change their mind later on? Or did you stick to it but regret it?

Im desperate to have another baby 30 years after falling pregnant with my first. I am on birth control still but the thought keeps popping up I would love another baby. Im glad I had all mine so early but what would it be like now. And how would husband take it if it did happen. I am so on board, hubby isn't so sure. I just want another baby!

All the senior women who have had a child in my workplace have only had one and they make it seems like a dream. They're constantly traveling for work or for pleasure, make tons of money, go to a boat load of conferences and international meetings. AND they are still a mum and have a great relationship with their child. It seems like such a sweet spot. I'm 32 with a 3-year-old and I'm finally getting into the intermediate level of my career and starting to get sent to conferences and work my way up. I love my career and am on the verge of a promotion. I was on the verge of one at my last one, but got pregnant and that was quickly abandoned (I then switched jobs after 18months leave - a mat leave offered here in Canada). I feel like having another will make career progression impossible. I have no worries leaving my one kiddo with my very hands on husband, but leaving him for work stuff frequently with two kids seems cruel. He says he's fine with it, but it just seems like a lot.

I feel like having just one kid is the sweet spot for career success. Thoughts?

Hi guys!

I wonder if you can help. I’m currently doing a writing course and I’ve chosen to write about the very personal subject of choosing to be one and done largely due to the trauma of having my daughter in October 2020, mid pandemic lockdown. She is now 5 and my essay topic is essentially a letter to her that she can read when she’s older - explaining how the trauma of isolation (and total loss of identity in the extremity leading to PTSA and insomnia) ultimately had a positive effect as it forced me to confront the reality that I was not cut out for more than one child, pandemic or not. And for that I will always be grateful - without the pandemic I would not be the mother I am today.

I want to give her gentle guidance that sometimes the hardest things you experience in life have a way of opening hearts and minds and how precious that is.

Anyway - despite looking hard, I can’t see any specific research out there that studies women (or parents generally) who had first babies in 2020 or 2021, subsequently decided to be one and done because of it specifically.

Are you one of those parents? If so, I’d love to hear a bit about your experience of how COVID impacted your choice (for good or bad) and what this taught you about being a parent. Or even just an up arrow to show you’re in this camp!

Likewise, if you’ve ever seen any research you can point me to, that would be great.

🙏🙏🙏

I’m 37F, 11 months postpartum and just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant again. My first baby is still very little and I feel very content with the little one. I’m feeling extremely conflicted about what to do.

I love being a mom, and part of me can imagine another child bringing more love into our family. But I’m also struggling with the thought of losing even more autonomy, freedom, and mental space. Right now with one baby, my partner and I can still trade off responsibilities and sometimes rest. With two very young children, I’m scared we’ll both be “on duty” constantly. Also, we live in a HCOL area and the daycare for 1 child costs 3K/month.

I’ve realized that peace, emotional stability, and authenticity are really important to me. I always thought I wanted 2 kids or no kids my whole life but after having my baby, my heart changed and I’m content with 1 currently. I’m afraid of making a decision I’ll regret later.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you figure out what was truly right for you emotionally, mentally, and for your family long term?

I came here wanting people to tell me what the benefits of having two children are, because honestly, I can’t really find any. I come from a family where sibling relationships basically don’t exist. Not on my dad’s side, not on my mom’s side, and not even between me and my own brother. In fact I remember how much my own quality of life deteriorated when my brother was born, so it’s really hard for me to imagine that giving my daughter a sibling would actually be something positive for her.

But then I also think maybe I’m just trying to look for reasons to change my mind and have another child, especially because my husband desperately wants a second baby, and I can see how much the idea of not having more children is breaking him.

I don’t know… I’d really appreciate any advice. These past few months have been really hard because it’s basically now or never if we want to try to get pregnant again.

Hello

What do you guys do if you have been in similar situation if you know now after having your second child you want a big family. I grew up 1 of 3.

I thought I wanted three but now that my sister has 4, and seeing her life (chaotic busy but fun) I love the equalness and the dynamic.

My husband gets shocked and says, ‘ life would all be about kids and nothing else’ which I agree.. to an extent- our life is already about kids? But I love that! I’m living life with him and our kids!

I don’t want to regret not having kids. I don’t know it gave my life meaning. Maybe cause they’re too young and cute. They get teenagery but come back again around their 20s and forever after that.

What did you guys do?

My husband and I have an almost 2 year-old daughter, and we always said we’d start trying for our second (and last) baby this fall so they’d be about 3 years apart. My husband is 100% on board. Me? I’m panicking.

I go back and forth constantly because I genuinely love our little family of three. I can’t even fathom going through all of this again sometimes, but at the same time, I’d love to give my daughter a sibling. Especially because I grew up with 4 siblings and we’re all incredibly close.

This honestly feels like the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

I’m a great mom, I know I am, but I also know I don’t want motherhood to become my entire identity. Right now, with one child, I feel balanced. I still feel like me while also getting to be a mom. But when I picture two kids… I feel like I’m drowning before it’s even happening. I NEED sleep, and my daughter still sleeps inconsistently, so the thought of adding another baby into the mix sends me into a spiral.

I really think if my husband was also on the fence, we probably wouldn’t have another. But he’s not. So now I feel stuck wondering if resentment exists either way. Like if we have another, will I resent how hard it is? But if we don’t, will one of us always wonder “what if?”

The thing is… when I think bigger picture and long term life, I lean toward having another. I just don’t know if I can handle the process without feeling overwhelmed or resentful.

Would genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s felt this way before.

My husband and I have an almost 2 year-old daughter, and we always said we’d start trying for our second (and last) baby this fall so they’d be about 3 years apart. My husband is 100% on board. Me? I’m panicking.

I go back and forth constantly because I genuinely love our little family of three. I can’t even fathom going through all of this again sometimes, but at the same time, I’d love to give my daughter a sibling. Especially because I grew up with 4 siblings and we’re all incredibly close.

This honestly feels like the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

I’m a great mom, I know I am, but I also know I don’t want motherhood to become my entire identity. Right now, with one child, I feel balanced. I still feel like me while also getting to be a mom. But when I picture two kids… I feel like I’m drowning before it’s even happening. I NEED sleep, and my daughter still sleeps inconsistently, so the thought of adding another baby into the mix sends me into a spiral.

I really think if my husband was also on the fence, we probably wouldn’t have another. But he’s not. So now I feel stuck wondering if resentment exists either way. Like if we have another, will I resent how hard it is? But if we don’t, will one of us always wonder “what if?”

The thing is… when I think bigger picture and long term life, I lean toward having another. I just don’t know if I can handle the process without feeling overwhelmed or resentful.

Would genuinely love to hear from anyone who’s felt this way before.

I know people have shared rooms for generations but can you share with me successful room sharing experiences?

We would have a 6yo boy, 2yo girl, and a baby if we go for it.

For reasons, there is no moving. Only two kid bedrooms … would you still go for it?

So initially I wanted to wait for September to start trying so that baby is born when my youngest is 2.9. If I start from July is that 2 months really a big difference. The reason for wanting to push it up is that my oldest starts
Primary school in September next year and I really do not want her to have too much change in a short space of time (new sibling and new school) I’d have loved to have a July or august baby but if we try from say July we have May- September to settle in. I worry that my youngest wouldn’t be old enough and closer to three is best? Or wait till 2028 to have baby but I’ll be 34 and would like to have my kids before 35 :)

PLEASE TALK SOME SENSE INTO ME.
Facts:

• We have 5 kids ages 17, 15, 12, 9 and newly 3.
• Our oldest is going to college this fall in JAPAN
• We are moving from the US to Europe.
• Our last baby came after a long struggle after a late miscarriage and infertility
• We have 4 frozen, tested embryos
• My husband doesn't want another, but has agreed to make me happy
• We are financially stable
• All I have to do is am embryo transfer.
• I had postpartum preeclampsia my last pregnancy.
• I backed out of the last one, panicking and freaking out.
• I'm turning 42 this summer.

I have no idea why I freaked out so much. Literally had several panic attacks. Now I'm in therapy and on zoloft. My best guess is I am more traumatized from my last pregnancy and delivery than I thought. But also I keep spiraling about what is best for each and every one of my kids. Will a baby limit travel? Will I not be able to see my oldest? Will something go wrong? What about my youngest, who thrives as the baby of the family? Maybe I should just focus on him? What about my husband who says he'll love another baby but doesn't want one (yet is encouraging me to just go ahead and do it).

I. Am. Freaking. Out.

TO MAKE IT MORE STRESSFUL:

We are not bringing these frozen embryos abroad, and are moving this summer. So this is it. But do I truly want one???

I love every stage of childhood. But should we have one more?

I can't eat. Can't sleep. Please help :(

I have an 18mo old son. Ive been near OAD from even beginning to try to have the first one. I hate the baby stage. I love the toddler stage. He's so funny and like the perfect child.

I had a terrible pregnancy (nausea, reflux, pain, preterm labor). I had a pretty bad postpartum recovery including mastitis and PPD. To make things worse my husband was temporarily and unexpectedly disabled at the same time and we had no family near by. I also had a sick dog unexpectedly. It was all traumatic.

I work a high stress job while my husband stays home. If he had to he could get a job but his industry isnt great right now and he would probably be at half of what I currently make. This is the biggest reason I've been OAD. I did not have a good return to work last time. We could afford it on my salary but it would need to be a budget. We already have a plenty large enough house, acre yard, and SUV (wouldn't need to upgrade anything). He is also starting a side business and a second would really expand the timeline of when he could do it full time. We don't necessarily need the money but he does want to provide.

I really do feel like I want a second child. Not a second baby. But from like toddler on, I wish I could have 2. I don't want to adopt. I want my own. I'd love to have a daughter (always wanted one of each). But I'd also love for my son to have a brother. Even if they fight sometimes I feel like it would be good for him to have that bond. I get jealous of family photos of 4. I do not get jealous at pregnancy announcements.

He's very social already. I don't want to have to rely on other families to provide that interaction. I don't want to feel guilty if we want/need to move elsewhere in the future.

I am just terrified of being pregnant again. I'm terrified of twins, medical conditions, premies (nephew was a micro premie), even a bad sleeper (mines a unicorn). I'm terrified of having mental problems again and/or losing my job.

I'm equally terrified of letting fear stand in the way and not "sucking it up" and doing what I need to to get what I think I really want in the end.

I'm 37 and I can't wait much longer. I definitely feel a time pressure too.

I’ve been on the fence for over a year now. I have a wonderful 4.5 year old who is such a fun little guy. Some days I’m fine with OAD, but other times I feel sad that he’s an only. Pregnancy was easy for me, but I was absolutely miserable during those first 4 months and he was a pretty easy baby. The baby blues hit me so hard. Its made me hesitant to have another. I was (or thought I was) ready for another last year, but a friend had just had her second and was miserable. Clingy baby, not sleeping, feeding issues. It made me pause and just take a whole step back. Now I’m still sitting on this fence at 38 wondering if I waited too long or if I really even want another. My kiddo would be the best big brother, but the 5.5+ age gap makes me wonder if it would be good for him. They’re going to be at different phases throughout childhood. I’m not sure I want to go back to that diaper phase, but I always pictured 2 kids. It makes me feel sad about only having one- but I’m not sure which path is right for me. I feel like its now or never….

Hi all. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl in the world last August. She is incredibly happy, smiley, sweet, and the light of my life. I absolutely adore her and I love watching my husband be an amazing father to her. I’m so happy and lucky to have her here. It’s so bittersweet to watch her get older and meet milestones, and lately I’ve found myself thinking about having another baby because I would like to experience all these firsts again. The idea that this is the only time I’ll ever watch a little human grow, change and become their own person in front of my eyes makes me sad.

But pregnancy as a whole has been so traumatic for me. My first one ended in a missed miscarriage and D&C. My pregnancy with my daughter took a year and a half and the help of a fertility clinic. I spent the first almost 20 weeks terrified she would die, too. Then, when I was finally feeling more secure, our anatomy scan revealed a brain abnormality. At first, we weren’t sure if it was fatal or not, as it could be indicative of a few different syndromes. The week we waited for our NIPT testing to come back was hell. I’ve never been so sad or so terrified. Luckily, we found out her abnormality is isolated and has a pretty good prognosis for a typical (or close to it) life, but I still spent the rest of my pregnancy so anxious that she might fall on the more severely affected end of the spectrum. I also never really shook the fear of losing her. I frequently woke up in the middle of the night panicked that she hadn't moved in a while and begging my husband to take me to L&D (thank god he was able to talk me down or we’d be drowning in ER bills still). I cried in the OB’s office at my 37 week appointment because I was so terrified of stillbirth. My pregnancy was physically very easy, other than some pelvic girdle pain, but emotionally, it was 39 weeks of hell.

So I’m torn. I think I want one more baby, and my husband definitely does, but even the thought of going through pregnancy again immediately sends my body into fight or flight mode. I saw a reel about doing kick counts the other day and almost couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if I can handle that much anxiety for that long again, and I especially am worried about how I‘d react to another loss since I’d have a toddler to care for and still be a present mom to. My husband isn’t open to adopting and I honestly go back and forth on if I am, either. So I feel like I have no good options. I either never have another baby and probably regret it, or I decide to go for it and either get my heart shattered with another loss or spend another 38-40 weeks in anxiety hell. I don’t know what to do. My baby is only 9 months old, so I have time to decide as we won’t even consider trying until she’s 18 months or so, but I don’t like the uncertainty. I wish I could make a decision.

My wife (36F) and I (35M) have two daughters (6 and 2) and are trying to decide whether to have one more child. We always imagined having 3-4 kids. I always pictured 3, she pictured 4. More recently, though, we had mostly come to peace with stopping at 2.

Then we recently had a brief pregnancy scare and, to my surprise, I found myself hoping it was real. I think that clarified for me that I’m not fully ready to close the door.

A big part of this decision is financial and lifestyle related. We’re stable, own a home that fits our family, wouldn’t need bigger cars. We’re financially stable with flexible jobs, but a third child would still significantly impact our long-term financial goals, especially regarding retirement goals, travel, helping kids with college/down payments/weddings someday, etc. Even with two kids, those things already feel ambitious.

We also live far from family, so while our marriage is strong and our girls are healthy and wonderful, the practical reality of raising 3 kids without a support system feels daunting, especially for my wife. Her hesitation is mostly about the long-term burden and loss of bandwidth, not lack of love for the idea.

There’s another layer to this too. Between our daughters, we had a son who was born prematurely and passed away shortly after birth. Because of that loss, this decision feels emotionally heavier than just “should we have another kid.”

I also know part of what I’m wrestling with is the idea of never raising a living son. I would genuinely be happy with another daughter, and we both know we would not try beyond one more child, but I’d be lying if I said that longing was not part of this.

One thing that has stuck with me was that about a year and a half ago I was on a road trip alone with my oldest daughter. Around 2 a.m. she suddenly woke up and said, “Daddy, there’s another little boy,” then immediately fell back asleep and would not respond when I tried to ask her what she meant. I’m a person of faith and don’t necessarily think it has to “mean” something, but I also can’t fully shake it.

I think I’m mainly looking for perspective from people who stood at this exact crossroads, especially people who deeply wanted another child but ultimately decided to stop at two. How did you know? And if you did stop, how did you grieve and make peace with the family size you ended up with?

My husband and I meet late in life. We both have kids from previous marriages. Both the kids are now 18yrs old. We currently have a 10mn old and I'm a SAHM. I'm 41yr and he's 42yr. I had a good pregnancy.. No crazy surprises. With everything going on we might / want to / need to move out into a less populated area. I also want to homeschool .

With that being said I'm worried about having someone for my youngest to grow up with and be able to play with if we move somewhere that doesn't have a lot of kids close by.

I won't have a "village" to help raise the kids. I barley have much of one now. My husband works from home a lot and helps when we can.

I did not have the chance to have multiple children at a young age. My oldest was basically raised with a cousin as a sister. So, they weren't really an only child. My husband's child was and I see the difference in "only child" issues.

I am so on the fence about having another one. I'm already an older parent. I won't have a"village" to help. But we could afford another child and probably some day care or babysitting. We have a smallish house and it would be a little cramped until we move in a few years. I don't want a huge age gap either.

How do you actually decide to have another one?!

Are there any older parents with 2 under 2 or 2 under 3?

How did you make the decision?

How are things going now?

Are you happy?

Was it absolutely insane?

I just had my second who is 6 years younger than my oldest. I now have one of each. Everything logical says it makes sense for us to stop at 2 and call it good. But…giving birth majorly messes with your hormones and causes temporary insanity, making you want to have an army of babies. Now I’m contemplating possibly adding a third to our clan in the near future.

Why? It’s simple really. I love being a mom and I think I’m pretty good at it, too. My marriage is strained at times, so I gain most of my happiness and satisfaction in life from my children. Before kids I was a lost drug addict who couldn’t even manage to take care of herself. Now I’m in recovery and have a stable job with the state.

I had kids late in life — 34 and 40, respectively. If we had another it would need to be soon just due to my ticking biological clock. My most recent pregnancy was rough — gestational diabetes, hypertension, polyhydramnios, macrosomia, severe insomnia — but would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Things that are worth doing are rarely easy.

I suspect that our age gap is making things with 2 kids feel easy now that my son is still a potato baby (7 weeks old). I suspect it will get more demanding managing 2 kids once my son is mobile and/or starts talking. The 1-2 age range brought me to the edge of insanity when I just had ONE kid, so I’m a little fearful of how rough it’s gonna be in about a year’s time. I understand that it may not be the best time to judge the feasibility of managing 3 kids, knowing that the worst of life with 2 kids is likely still to come. I might be way overwhelmed with just the 2. I don’t know yet.

I guess I just feel pressure to decide one way or the other due to my “advanced maternal age,” and needing to conceive in the near future if we do intend to expand our family further.

As for support systems, ours is fairly weak. We don’t have much local family help (my sister lives 7 hours away and is the most involved family) nor do we even have a go-to babysitter. We rely on daycare for our kids while we work full-time. We’ve managed fine up until now. But it’s really just us handling it all day to day. I don’t view that as a major downside though since so many people are in the same boat and they make it work for themselves.

Financially it would be tight but doable. We would need a bigger car or cars. That’s the major change I foresee in our lifestyle going to 3 kids. I currently have a Kia Soul and my husband has a Nissan Sentra, which might be technically doable with 3 but it would be tight enough to be far from ideal.

Someone talk me out of this postpartum insanity of wanting more and more babies! Anyone here go from 2 to 3, particularly with a small age gap between the second and third babies, and have any guidance about how to make this decision?

Me and my husband have been together for 11 years, always both wanted a family, he’s always said he’d probably prefer just 1 but was aware I wanted more and said probably have 2. I have 2 brothers, ok relationship, we get on but we don’t chat outside of when we meet up at mums. He is completely no contact with his family and he didn’t have a brilliant relationship with his sibling growing up so a lot of his issues come from that which is completely fair, but we have different experiences so that makes it hard to discuss and agree on siblings.

We have a nearly 4 year old, she’s genuinely a great kid, I had an easy pregnancy, fairly easy labour, she was a good baby, didn’t sleep loads but what toddler does and we’re out of that trench now and are coming to a point of having a bit more financial stability etc.

We’ve been chatting about another, he would like to stay at 1, he’s focus is keeping our financial stability and being able to give her the world, which I agree with, but I can’t help but think about having another, doing it all again and her having a sibling and growing up with one etc. We have an amazing village with my parents, they’re great and so helpful so I think having another would be doable. Sometimes we discuss baby names or like, if we have another this or that will happen, and he will say oh maybe at the end of the year we could try but I know he’s really only saying it because he feels bad.

I mostly do agree with him, but I just worry I’ll get 3/4 years down the line and regret not having another, I worry our only will be a bit lonely, but I’m aware if you’re not both 100% yes then it should be a no, HOW do you get past the feeling though? I feel like I know we’re not gonna have another but it still feels so sad and I just don’t want to get aggy with my husband as I do know it’s not his fault for just not wanting another.