u/scumbagspaceopera

What is a reasonable monthly grocery budget for a family of 4? We currently spend $1000-1400. We mostly buy generics, but also plenty of convenience foods instead of cooking from scratch. We do indulge in sodas daily, I know this is a major expense. We have young children so cooking elaborate or labor-intensive meals is not practical for this stage of our lives. I'd like to get the budget down to closer to $700 but I don't think that's possible anymore in this economy. I feel like I place a $150-200 Walmart grocery order at least weekly so that's over $700 on just Walmart.

HELP!

I've been spiraling since my recent post where several individuals expressed concern over my husband sleeping with our 6-year-old daughter in her bed. Before that, he was sleeping with her in the master bedroom (the marital bed), forcing me to sleep in her room or on the couch for the duration of my high risk pregnancy. This has gone on for at least a year, despite me telling him previously that it made me uncomfortable and I felt it was time for him to encourage her to sleep independently of him. It's like that conversation never happened because he's kept sleeping with her, even though he agreed to start sleeping on the couch.

Here are some things that raise red flags for me. I don't know for sure if these things are sus, I never was abused myself. I am going to rely on your opinions as people who may have experienced abuse in your own lives.

• He insists on wiping her butt despite the fact that she recently learned how to do it herself (with my help and encouragement to become a Big Girl before her brother was born). I don't understand why he would continue doing that when she's capable of doing it herself. I also don't know why he didn't insist on her doing it herself sooner than age 6. Some kids are doing that independently as young as 4 years old.

• Bathtime has become an INTENSE struggle in our household lately. My husband insists on bathing her because according to him I don't do it properly (?), and he tells Audrey that's why only daddy can bathe her. When he announces that it's time to take a shower, she panics, runs away, refuses, says she doesn't want to get wet, tries to delay bath until morning, does everything she can to avoid the shower. He threatens to call Santa if she doesn't comply, which upsets her more. This goes on for a solid 30+ minutes. Also, she's at an age where she can independently wash her hair and body with supervision (that's what I do on the rare occasions I give her a bath myself), but he insists on doing it for her so it's done "right."

• She has been hiding at times recently. One day she was hiding in her closet, hysterically crying and acting petrified about some monster in her room all of a sudden out of nowhere. She was absolutely inconsolable and not making sense. She was screaming "monster" and would not come out of her closet. I tried to talk to her and figure out why she was so scared, but she wouldn't speak, almost as if she were mute. I was very confused as to what could be going on to make her react in this way. My husband was in her room outside the closet door and she pointed in his direction when she was saying "monster."

• In March 2024 (when she was 4) my husband took over more of her caregiving because I started working out of town 3 nights a week and I got off late. She started gaining a crazy amount of weight at this time...so much so that at age 5 her doctor had to tell me, something needs to be done, she is way off the growth curve, her triglycerides and cholesterol are elevated, etc. Doc showed me the graph of her weight gain, and for the entire four years I was primarily responsible for feeding her, she was within a normal weight range; then once the graph hit March 2024, her weight started skyrocketing. THAT EXACT MONTH. Between ages 4 and 6 she doubled in weight (45 to 90 pounds). I have heard that victims of child abuse often gain weight. This could also be related to other things, of course, but I found the timing of the weight gain mildly sus.

• She refers to her brother's genitals as "mischief." I have never referred to genitalia that way before, so I asked her where she learned that. She said daddy.

• They often will wrestle on the bed and roughhouse. Sometimes she'll say "don't touch me on my crotch" and he'll apologize. It's happened more than once that she's expressed discomfort about him touching her in an inappropriate place.

• My husband insists our daughter never see him naked. It's almost a "thou doth protest too much" situation where he is SO adamant about protecting her from the sight of male genitalia that it makes you wonder if in reality he's being a creep with her -- almost like he's overcompensating.

• At age 5 she took a long object and motioned it toward her vagina, then moved it in and out as if simulating penetrative sex.

• She has had accidents a lot recently whereas she almost never had them before. She keeps having accidents right next to the toilet which I don't understand -- you're right there, how does that even happen? And she wet the bed the other night. She has never wet the bed before. She's also been sucking her thumb and saying how good babies have it. This could also be related to her brother having been born recently though.

• For Valentine's Day my husband got me a custom towel with pictures of him and our daughter. These were pictures I had never seen before, from times they spent together where I was not present. I was not in any of the photos. He had also never shared these photos with me. This was his gift to me for a romantic holiday. I found that to be...bizarre, to say the least.

• Very often since our youngest was born, my husband is always finding ways to spend time one-on-one time with our daughter. He's been doing it so much, in fact, that I told him I feel like me and her brother have been erased from the family unit. I told him that we would appreciate being included in the fun things they do together and that it would be nice to go out as a family of four from time to time instead of them always going out and leaving us at home. He frames it as giving me a break by taking our daughter off my hands, but even when I expressed wanting to be included more, he continued arranging for them to have one-on-one time.

• He absolutely refuses to let a certain group of my friends be around our children. He was deeply offended when one of my friends hugged our daughter, saying it bordered on pedophilia.

• He always frames himself as her hero or protector the one who can comfort her. I'm always positioned as abusive, a monster, incapable, aggressive. "Mommy won't help you, come here," etc etc.

Thoughts? Am I being overly paranoid? Please someone help me make sense of this.

I've repeatedly heard Bannerman recommended so I'll start by reaching out to her.

Any other good divorce attorneys in the area? TIA

My marriage has been strained since day one. We had been together seven years when we got married in September 2025, and we had problems for years leading up to that including infidelity on his part.

Tonight though I think was the final straw for me.

Today I spent 15 hours straight caring for our 6-year-old daughter and infant son (7 weeks). This is a typical day in my life as I am currently on maternity leave and my husband works 50 hours a week doing manual labor. I'm fine doing the bulk of the baby care because taking care of our son is sort of my job right now. HOWEVER, everyone needs breaks, and I barely get any. When I do, I often have to rush home after a short time because the baby wakes up and my husband refuses to tend to him due to needing to wake up at 4 AM for work. He apparently feels like he can opt out of parenting simply because he works early. Or, he feels "above" the woman's work of baby care. Not sure.

Tonight I went to my mom's house for some me time after getting the baby down around 10:30 PM. I was at her house for 15 minutes when my husband orders me to come home because the baby is awake. I said, so? Spend 15 minutes feeding him. Peace. He said I can't, it takes me forever to fall back asleep. I said, you're already awake, what does it matter if you fall asleep 15 minutes later? You'll struggle to get to sleep if you spend the time caring for our son or not. He said, fine, I will let the baby cry and put himself back to sleep. At this point I don't want to make my son suffer, so I'm on my way home.

I get home to find our son scared, alone, and hungry, wide awake in the bassinet. My mama heart just broke. I look in my daughter's room and there my husband is with the glow of his cell phone in his face. I'd love to know what was so important on his phone at midnight that it was worth neglecting his son for. My husband said he put the pacifier in the baby's mouth and when he got back from making a bottle, baby had fallen back to sleep.

This strikes me as a lie because I know my baby. He doesn't fall asleep easily. I found him unswaddled, and I doubt that sucking on a pacifier for 1 minute made him so drowsy that he fell back to sleep. I think it's much more likely that my husband made the bottle as a prop to create the illusion that he cared for our son (the bottle was completely full), then peaced out and went back to bed.

This was the last straw for me. I already do 98% of the work of caring for our children -- what difference would it make if I went to doing 100% of the work after getting rid of my husband? He provides virtually no help, so no huge loss there. He does no housework. He is a financial drain on me. I have trust issues with him since he emotionally cheated on me a year ago. We haven't had sex in 6 months. I plan mini-date nights with him to reconnect and maybe have some intimacy after the kids go to bed, and he falls asleep instead, completely blowing me off. I beg him for his attention, for him to show me any signs of caring about me, and get nothing in return. All 5 of our attempts at therapy have been brief and unsuccessful; eventually I got the memo that he just isn't invested in doing the work of improving our relationship. I feel like a roommate, a live-in maid, a babysitter. I don't feel like a wife.

There's more but this is long. I just feel like it's been difficult between us for a long time and if I can't rely on him to be a decent parent when we're in the midst of the newborn trenches, BOY BYE. I ain't got time for this shit. I'll go be by myself and probably be happier that way. Peace.

Am I overreacting? Was he right to demand I rush home to care for the baby? Is it okay for him to let the baby cry himself back to sleep instead of feeding and soothing him? I know you shouldn't make decisions in the middle of the night when you're angry. But this isn't the first time I've wanted a divorce either. It's a lot of stuff all built up and I'm just tired of expecting him to be a decent person and being let down when I see who he truly is.

My marriage has been strained since day one. We had been together seven years when we got married in September 2025, and we had problems for years leading up to that including infidelity on his part.

Tonight though I think was the final straw for me.

Today I spent 15 hours straight caring for our 6-year-old daughter and infant son (7 weeks). This is a typical day in my life as I am currently on maternity leave and my husband works 50 hours a week doing manual labor. I'm fine doing the bulk of the baby care because taking care of our son is sort of my job right now. HOWEVER, everyone needs breaks, and I barely get any. When I do, I often have to rush home after a short time because the baby wakes up and my husband refuses to tend to him due to needing to wake up at 4 AM for work. He apparently feels like he can opt out of parenting simply because he works early. Or, he feels "above" the woman's work of baby care. Not sure.

Tonight I went to my mom's house for some me time after getting the baby down around 10:30 PM. I was at her house for 15 minutes when my husband orders me to come home because the baby is awake. I said, so? Spend 15 minutes feeding him. Peace. He said I can't, it takes me forever to fall back asleep. I said, you're already awake, what does it matter if you fall asleep 15 minutes later? You'll struggle to get to sleep if you spend the time caring for our son or not. He said, fine, I will let the baby cry and put himself back to sleep. At this point I don't want to make my son suffer, so I'm on my way home.

I get home to find our son scared, alone, and hungry, wide awake in the bassinet. My mama heart just broke. I look in my daughter's room and there my husband is with the glow of his cell phone in his face. I'd love to know what was so important on his phone at midnight that it was worth neglecting his son for. My husband said he put the pacifier in the baby's mouth and when he got back from making a bottle, baby had fallen back to sleep.

This strikes me as a lie because I know my baby. He doesn't fall asleep easily. I found him unswaddled, and I doubt that sucking on a pacifier for 1 minute made him so drowsy that he fell back to sleep. I think it's much more likely that my husband made the bottle as a prop to create the illusion that he cared for our son (the bottle was completely full), then peaced out and went back to bed.

This was the last straw for me. I already do 98% of the work of caring for our children -- what difference would it make if I went to doing 100% of the work after getting rid of my husband? He provides virtually no help, so no huge loss there. He does no housework. He is a financial drain on me. I have trust issues with him since he emotionally cheated on me a year ago. We haven't had sex in 6 months. I plan mini-date nights with him to reconnect and maybe have some intimacy after the kids go to bed, and he falls asleep instead, completely blowing me off. I beg him for his attention, for him to show me any signs of caring about me, and get nothing in return. All 5 of our attempts at therapy have been brief and unsuccessful; eventually I got the memo that he just isn't invested in doing the work of improving our relationship. I feel like a roommate, a live-in maid, a babysitter. I don't feel like a wife.

There's more but this is long. I just feel like it's been difficult between us for a long time and if I can't rely on him to be a decent parent when we're in the midst of the newborn trenches, BOY BYE. I ain't got time for this shit. I'll go be by myself and probably be happier that way. Peace.

Am I overreacting? Was he right to demand I rush home to care for the baby? Is it okay for him to let the baby cry himself back to sleep instead of feeding and soothing him? I know you shouldn't make decisions in the middle of the night when you're angry. But this isn't the first time I've wanted a divorce either. It's a lot of stuff all built up and I'm just tired of expecting him to be a decent person and being let down when I see who he truly is.

Can’t seem to find this info online for some reason.

What is the income limit for Section 8 in Stanislaus County?

Is there a waitlist? If so, how long is the waitlist?

TIA for any info.

Delete if not allowed.

I started an uncensored WhatsApp group chat to serve as a safe space and support group for people in recovery from any addiction. Right now it’s just a handful of my friends from NA but I was hoping more would join us on the dark side. If interested in participating, please comment here and I will DM you for your contact details and get you added to the chat. TIA.

Delete if not allowed.

I started an uncensored WhatsApp group chat to serve as a safe space and support group for people in recovery from any addiction. Right now it’s just a handful of my friends from NA but I was hoping more would join us on the dark side. If interested in participating, please comment here and I will DM you for your contact details and get you added to the chat. TIA.

Delete if not allowed.

I started an uncensored WhatsApp group chat to serve as a safe space and support group for people in recovery from any addiction. Right now it’s just a handful of my friends from NA but I was hoping more would join us on the dark side. If interested in participating, please comment here and I will DM you for your contact details and get you added to the chat. TIA.

I just had my second who is 6 years younger than my oldest. I now have one of each. Everything logical says it makes sense for us to stop at 2 and call it good. But…giving birth majorly messes with your hormones and causes temporary insanity, making you want to have an army of babies. Now I’m contemplating possibly adding a third to our clan in the near future.

Why? It’s simple really. I love being a mom and I think I’m pretty good at it, too. My marriage is strained at times, so I gain most of my happiness and satisfaction in life from my children. Before kids I was a lost drug addict who couldn’t even manage to take care of herself. Now I’m in recovery and have a stable job with the state.

I had kids late in life — 34 and 40, respectively. If we had another it would need to be soon just due to my ticking biological clock. My most recent pregnancy was rough — gestational diabetes, hypertension, polyhydramnios, macrosomia, severe insomnia — but would I do it again? In a heartbeat. Things that are worth doing are rarely easy.

I suspect that our age gap is making things with 2 kids feel easy now that my son is still a potato baby (7 weeks old). I suspect it will get more demanding managing 2 kids once my son is mobile and/or starts talking. The 1-2 age range brought me to the edge of insanity when I just had ONE kid, so I’m a little fearful of how rough it’s gonna be in about a year’s time. I understand that it may not be the best time to judge the feasibility of managing 3 kids, knowing that the worst of life with 2 kids is likely still to come. I might be way overwhelmed with just the 2. I don’t know yet.

I guess I just feel pressure to decide one way or the other due to my “advanced maternal age,” and needing to conceive in the near future if we do intend to expand our family further.

As for support systems, ours is fairly weak. We don’t have much local family help (my sister lives 7 hours away and is the most involved family) nor do we even have a go-to babysitter. We rely on daycare for our kids while we work full-time. We’ve managed fine up until now. But it’s really just us handling it all day to day. I don’t view that as a major downside though since so many people are in the same boat and they make it work for themselves.

Financially it would be tight but doable. We would need a bigger car or cars. That’s the major change I foresee in our lifestyle going to 3 kids. I currently have a Kia Soul and my husband has a Nissan Sentra, which might be technically doable with 3 but it would be tight enough to be far from ideal.

Someone talk me out of this postpartum insanity of wanting more and more babies! Anyone here go from 2 to 3, particularly with a small age gap between the second and third babies, and have any guidance about how to make this decision?

I am now approaching the longest stint of clean time in my life. In 2017-2018 I went about 8-9 months without weed, but still felt like crap and was frustrated that I could be clean for so long and not feel better yet. So I eventually went back to smoking daily.

Fast forward another decade or so and here I am today, 8 months 9 days clean from weed. I didn’t think I would ever break free of that addiction. I figured I would still be smoking when I was 80. I was in so deep.

Things change.

I am so fucking proud of my clean time. I quit so that I would test clean at the birth of my second child, whom we welcomed into the world in March. He is my recovery baby and I have such a special bond with him knowing he may be the gift God sent me to get me clean once and for all. This pregnancy was my chance to see if I could live clean. AND I DID IT! No visit from the social worker at the hospital this time around! No home visit from CPS! 🥳

I also fucking love the feeling of having nothing to hide. I don’t have to worry if I need to call 911 because I’m not a drug user and don’t have to worry about things turning around on me for my illegal activities. I love knowing if I get in a car wreck and a police officer wants to give me a field sobriety test, I’ll pass. I love knowing that if anyone drug tests me for any reason at any time, I’ll pass. THIS IS FREEDOM!

I get tempted from time to time, but I just run that cost-benefit analysis. I struggle with anxiety, and weed is very tempting to solve anxiety problems. BUT, I know that weed is just a bandaid, and it is my experience that weed actually makes my anxiety worse in the long run. Is it worth trading my clean time to feel calm for 2 hours? And then have to keep smoking every 2 hours to maintain that artificial calm? Nah guy. I’ll pass.

An important lesson for me to learn as someone who no longer uses drugs to cope is that ANXIOUS FEELINGS WILL NOT KILL ME. I might feel uncomfortable, but am I going to die if I experience a moment of anxiety from time to time? No! Simple things often help the anxiety enormously, like engaging in movement (a walk, housework) or listening to music. You don’t need to drug yourself every time you feel a little uncomfortable. You’re going to get through it.

I attend NA meetings regularly so I feel stronger in my resolve to not go back to weed relative to 2018 when I was clean for awhile but ended up relapsing. That makes all the difference for me because I’m engaged in a complete, spiritual program of recovery. I go to meetings, have a sponsor, have a home group, am of service in my home group, etc. I do the shit I need to do to stay clean and maintain my spiritual condition. I’m proud of everyone else who has done the brave thing and embarked upon this journey alongside me.

WE ARE DOING THIS DAMN THING!

I’m determined for my son (now 7 weeks old) to never know me as a drug addict. Unfortunately his older sister had to deal with addicted parents for the first 5 years of her life. I was a shitty parent when I was high, though in the midst of my addiction I was convinced I was a BETTER parent high — which I now know was a lie I told myself to justify my addiction. She’s even drawn pictures of a cell phone and vape pen crossed out with the caption “NO VAPES ALLOWED.” Heartbreaking, because it’s clear she really felt our lack of presence when we were too busy getting high and scrolling our phones to play with her. I told her we had to quit for our health. Now she comes with me to my “health meetings” (online NA meetings) and asks about my friends there. She loves it. It definitely beats having a stoner mom. I am present and play with her all the time now. I feel good about the parent I am today. And that makes it all worth it.