u/DaveinBflo

A down at the heels lawyer is sitting alone late one night when the devil appears in a puff of smoke.

The devil says, “I can make you the greatest lawyer in the world. You’ll win every case, earn enormous fees, and be fabulously wealthy."

The lawyer asks, “So what’s your price?”

The devil replies, “Just your soul… the souls of your wife and children… and all your relatives, for five generations.”

The lawyer leans back, thinking it over carefully for a long moment, then says—

“Okay, what’s the catch?”

Are you the one about the butcher then backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his orders.

There's this man who travels a lot, and while he's overseas, he gets a telegram from his housekeeper saying, "Your cat has died." He’s really upset, so when he gets back, he scolds the housekeeper for being so blunt. He says, "Next time, soften the blow—you could have said ‘the cat is on the roof, then that you tried to get it down, but it fell, and it’s in the hospital.’ Then you can say it didn’t make it." So, he goes away again, and the next telegram he gets just says, "Your mother is on the roof."

A drill sergeant received a telegram informing him that Private Smith's father had died.

Wanting to get the news over with quickly, he lines up the platoon and barks:

"Private Smith! Your father's dead!"

Smith collapses in shock.

The sergeant is severely reprimanded by his commanding officer.

"Sergeant, you have to learn some tact. Break bad news more gently."

A few weeks later another telegram arrives. This time it says that Private Smith's mother has died.

The sergeant lines up the platoon.

Then he shouts:

"Everyone whose mother is living, take two steps forward... Not so fast, Smith!"

There's this man who travels a lot, and while he's overseas, he gets a telegram from his housekeeper saying, "Your cat has died." He’s really upset, so when he gets back, he scolds the housekeeper for being so blunt. He says, "Next time, soften the blow—you could have said ‘the cat is on the roof, then that you tried to get it down, but it fell, and it’s in the hospital.’ Then you can say it didn’t make it." So, he goes away again, and the next telegram he gets just says, "Your mother is on the roof."

A guy's on the first tee, about to hit. A voice booms over the loudspeaker—"Move back, you're on the ladies' tees." He shakes his head, steps up again. Same voice: "Move back, you're on the ladies' tees." He backs away, frustrated, steps up a third time. The voice yells again—"Move back, you're on the ladies' tees!" He finally spins around and shouts, "Would you shut up and let me play my second shot?"

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was headed to the airport in a limousine.

Curious about what it was like to drive one, he asked the chauffeur if he could take the wheel. The chauffeur hesitated, but eventually agreed and climbed into the back.

Once on the highway, the Pope started enjoying himself a little too much — 70… 80… 90 mph.

Before long, flashing lights appeared in the mirror.

A state trooper walked up to the limo, took one look inside, and said, “Uh… just a moment.”

He went back to his cruiser and radioed his chief.

“Chief, I just pulled over somebody really important.”

“Who is it? The governor?”

“More important.”

“A senator?”

“More important.”

“The President?”

“More important.”

“Well who is it?”

The trooper says, “I don’t know… but the Pope is his chauffeur.”

​

A candidate is touring a local prison, accompanied by the warden. While reviewing the mess hall at suppertime,an inmate yells out, "44!" and the whole róom bursts into laughter.

​A few minutes later, another inmate shouts, "112!" and everyone cracks up again.

​The candidate asks, "What's going on?"

​The warden explains, "We don't allow the inmates to tell jokes, but they have all memorized them from a written list so they each have a number.”

​The candidate decides to give it a shot. He clears his throat and yells, "95!"

​Absolute silence. Not a single laugh. “32.” Nothing. “78.” A few groans is all he gets.

​He turns back to the warden, embarrassed. "What happened? Why aren't I getting any laughs?"

​The warden shrugs and says, "some people just can't tell a joke.”

Here’s a cleaner, tighter rewrite with smoother pacing and punch:

***

A congressional candidate visits a local prison and is being shown around by the warden. As they pass through the mess hall at dinner, an inmate suddenly shouts, “44!” The entire room erupts in laughter.

A few minutes later, another inmate calls out, “112!” Again, the place breaks into hysterics.

Puzzled, the candidate asks, “What’s going on?”

The warden explains, “The inmates aren’t allowed to tell jokes anymore. So they’ve all memorized them and assigned each one a number.”

Amused, the candidate decides to try. He clears his throat and confidently calls out, “95!”

Silence.

He tries again. “32!” Nothing.

One more time: “78!” A couple of groans, but that’s it.

Embarrassed, he turns to the warden. “What happened? Why didn’t anyone laugh?”

The warden shrugs. “Some people just don’t know how to tell a joke.”

***

Would you like a version that’s shorter and punchier, or one that leans more sarcastic or political?

A salesman gets a flat tire outside an insane asylum. He gets out the jack and spare, but notices a man sitting on the wall, watching him and swinging his legs back and forth. While changing the tire, the wheel cover with all five lug nuts rolls down into a muddy ditch , lost forever..

He stands there frustrated, trying to figure out what to do, when the guy on the wall says,

“Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use those to hold the spare on until you can get to a garage?”

The man is amazed and says:

“That’s brilliant! Why are you in there?”

And the patient replies:

“I may be crazy, but I'm not not stupid."

The phone rings and the wife picks up. It's her husband, barely able to contain himself.

"Honey, we won the lottery — five million dollars!"

"Oh my God!" she shrieks. "What should I do?"

"Start packing."

"Really?! Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"I don't care. Just be out of the house by five o'clock."

“A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging it around over his head. A😃store clerk asks, ‘Can I help you,sir?’ The blind man says, ‘No thanks, I’m just having a look around.’”

A man goes on a vacation to Hackensack, New Jersey. While he's checking into a local motel, the clerk behind the desk looks at him and says, "I'll give you a room for free if you can answer this riddle: My mother and my father had a baby. It wasn’t my brother, and it wasn’t my sister. Who was it?"

​The man thought and thought, but he couldn't come up with the answer. Finally, he gave up. The clerk smiled and said, "The answer is me."

​The man was so impressed that he decided he would use that riddle back home to stump his own friends. He returned home and gathered his buddies at the local pub.

​"Hey guys," he said, "I've got a riddle for you. My mother and my father had a baby. It wasn’t my brother, and it wasn’t my sister. Who was it?"

​His friends scratched their heads, argued about it, and finally gave up. "We give up," they said. "Who was it?"

​The man puffed out his chest and proudly announced, "It was the motel clerk in Hackensack!"