u/Dazzling-Gene6988

Everyday I wake up with a feeling that I just want to go to a faraway land and do a vacation until I feel better. I'm in my final year PhD,.even though I like research because of having a toxic supervisor all my enthusiasm I had in the beginning of the year was turned to dust. I moved abroad to do my PhD and back home my family has a lot of problem. They can solve on their own but they fight and blame me for everything. I can financially help them but they need emotional way to stay close to me. But when I'm there for visiting or holiday they don't want that either. I was always blaming me for whatever happend in my family even as a kid. Back home I had no chance of getting a descent job, or life. I was single and was living with my parents although I didn't think I would like my life abroad. 1 month in I already felt safe and home. I rarely get homesick of course I worry about my parents but I would rather stay here. This guilt is really hard whenever they have a fight or something. I am seeing a therapist which has helped me tremendously however I still can't have this feeling of "just wanna leave the problems behind and go somewhere" I have a very sweet partner and I dont want to bother them either but I also don't want to go far away without that person. I just want to live with my partner and just do vacation after vacation..

I'm writing this instead of getting ready to work and after hearing a 10 min voice message from my mom. I can't even cry as I'm emotionally very constipated. I feel like my brain can't focus on anything, no work, no family, no self care just want to rot in bed all day long

Thanks for listening.

So I am almost 30 years old and in January I started to drive an automatic car for the first time in my life. Reading signs (Germany) were a bit hard in the beginning but I felt that it got better eventually. Later, my instructor switched to manual and on the first day I could drive quite well. I wasn't overthinking about clutch break and gears so I could navigate well even my instructor was surprised that was my first time driving manual car. Regarding my instructor, he stresses almost all the time. When I ask him if we turn right or left, he let's out air through his nose and say did I say anything about right or left. He constantly screams at me. Says I'm useless and I am basically wasting my money on learning driving. I am trying my hardest every lesson and the way he thinks he knows me really suck. So I decided not to take it personally and continue learning. Last week was my 5.5 hours of driving the manual and he screamed at me that im the worst.

So my biggest problem is clutch. I hold on the biting point and I try to release it as slowly as possible while accelerating and sometimes, only sometimes I don't have the feel for it and release a bit faster. It doesn't jerk the car but one could feel that the transition wasn't smooth. He would comment on that. Since I pay almost all my attention on this clutch thing, then I make mistakes with gear change. One time I changed to 3rd gear instead of 5. I am a bit scared to go super fast for example around the curves even when it's a small curve I brake a little before and slow down on the curve. Usually this is a good practice when it's a sharp curve or turn but even when its moderate I curve I get scared. I sweat a lot during my driving so obvious I'm scared and anxious. My instructor says I am just not listening to him, and just do whatever I want. I don't have concentration that I'm day dreaming and driving. To be honest, I'm most focused when I'm driving. I do have ADHD but when it comes to driving I don't even think about what's going on the back of my head. Just cars in the front and around me and his instructions. I do sometimes get confused or let the nervousness take over me. Is it not normal? I don't know if I'm just giving excuses to myself instead of learning more. I am usually not the type to give excuses but in case i feel so dumb and ask myself do I need to be better already? Am I taking too much time ? Maybe I'm too dumb to drive a manual car or any car in general.

Do you all have any suggestions? How do I concentrate so I make zero mistakes next time !!

Thanks !!