I don't know what this feeling is and it's driving me crazy
Hello,
I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with my perception and feelings for years.
Whenever I read typical firsthand accounts of "derealization," it never quite seems to fit. Most people there write about total emotional numbness and the inability to cry. For me, it’s completely different.
I’ve also dealt with depression in my life, so I know for a fact: this definitely feels entirely different and is not depression. I am looking for like-minded people who experience the following:
- The 24/7 "Video Game Feeling" and Observer Mode
I am in a sort of observer mode around the clock (24/7). It feels as though I am slightly detached and not truly at one or connected with the world.
It’s like a video game: I navigate myself through the world, but I’m somehow sitting in front of the screen instead of physically being inside the game world. This state is always present, whether I am experiencing something beautiful, feeling sad, or just staring at a blank wall.
- Hyper-Realism vs. Deep Resonance
At the same time, reality feels extremely hyper-realistic (crystal clear, everything is there, my reality testing is completely intact).
I am also capable of feeling perfectly normal emotions (joy, sadness, happiness). If I’m standing on an observation tower watching a sunset, I know rationally and emotionally that it is beautiful, and I can feel happy doing so.
BUT: It feels as if a gray veil is draped over these emotions. The atmosphere, that "certain something," doesn't reach me on a deeper level (my soul / my inner being). Things don't have a real impact on me. A part of my mind is always standing on the sidelines, asking: "What does it actually feel like for this to be beautiful right now?"
- The Dream World as the "True Home" & Millisecond Flashbacks
This entire phenomenon started about 5–6 years ago and is not just a phase. Since then, I have had a massive, non-stop longing for the core feeling I always have while dreaming.
When I dream, I feel an absolute sense of completeness, the atmosphere of the place, and the feeling of my own existence within that atmosphere. It is a very specific, deep, and vibrant mood that fills the space. It feels like my true home, the place where I belong.
In my everyday life, I constantly experience sudden flashbacks where exactly this feeling and atmosphere return completely for a tiny millisecond. If I focus intensely on it, I can hold onto it for a brief moment, and images of my dream worlds immediately appear before me (even if they are real places), because the perception and atmosphere there are just completely different and "right."
For years, these extremely brief flashbacks have continuously shown me and my mind that it must be absolutely possible to achieve this core feeling permanently in reality, and that right now, something is simply missing. At times, this longing is so gigantically overwhelming that it drives me absolutely crazy.
- Physical Perception of the Feeling
When I catch this "feeling of home" during those brief moments, it is a very pleasant, physical sensation in my body.
It feels as if the air and the entire atmosphere around me are pressing very lightly, warmly, and pleasantly against me, like a protective shield or a tangible, fulfilling presence of the space I am in.
Does anyone else know this combination of fully functioning emotions, a hyper-realistic environment, but this total blockage on a deeper level? Who else experiences these millisecond flashbacks of this dream-like atmosphere and has somehow managed to bring this feeling back firmly and permanently into real life?
Thanks..