u/DebateHefty8141

CW: mention of suicide
My friend and I got into a fight. We both suffer from bpd even though it manifests a little differently. We’ve known each other for 2/3 years and met at the bpd group.

We got into a fight over my ex boyfriend. I’ve been crying because I miss him and my extreme fear of abandonment got triggered so bad I called into the gp office the other day because I was close to kill myself. I called them and they made me come in and had the crisis team ready too. They let me go home with new medications. I took those and when things calmed down I went to see my friend and we went shopping. I felt really weird but it was nice to have fun shopping and not think about the whole thing.

The days after were really hard, I went back to work and my suicidal ideations got really loud. Last Sunday the friend and I had planned to see each other and although I had been crying all night I tried to look nice for our church date. Apparently she had gone out to party and had a huge hangover, but she too made it to church.

I could feel she was a little bored and my brain wasn’t really working either, so afterwards we went to go have lunch and while sat in the restaurant she once again stated it’s unhealthy to want to kill yourself over minor things like a break up. She also stated that it’s only unhealthy attachment as I don’t want to kill myself over every other minor inconvenience. This is not true, I just chose not to share that with her, so I told her that was not the case and I do, stupidly enough, also want to kill myself when things go south at work. I also told her I just never told her because I feel ashamed and that this whole conversation confirmed my feelings about her.

To be honest I have never felt safe just telling her how I feel. Most of my days I spend feeling suicidal but not acting out on it because I’m afraid of what will happen if I fail. I also chose to only tell her about my (ex)bf troubles and not work because we work for the same company. But over time I noticed she always gave advice and also got seemingly mad at me for not following her advice. I’ve told her numerous times I don’t want her advice but just want someone to listen to me.

When this fight happened she once again gave me advice and I told her I’m not telling her this for advice but just a shoulder to cry on. I told her that if that was hard for her I would just shut up about it because I wasn’t going to do what she’s advising me to do anyway. This made her really angry at me and after we left the restaurant she looked me dead in the eyes and said “you know, you guys deserve each other. You’re both mentally fucked in the head.”

Later that week I tried calling her and sent her a text saying I was sorry for how we parted and that there were no hard feelings from me. I also asked her if she was okay and that I was open for conversation. She messaged me back saying she didn’t like the situation at all and will contact me when she’s ready to.

That’s okay but to be honest the longer I sit on it the less I even feel like talking to her ever again. What I said was maybe not cool but I’ve repeatedly asked her not to give advice and I’m done with people crossing that boundary.

I’ve been depressed since the age of time, no but really, I have been diagnosed with chronic depression since 16 and can’t remember ever truly feeling happy. A lot of other diagnoses have since filled up the team, bpd, ocd, anxiety and cptsd to name a few.

Recently my partner broke up with me and I saw our relationship as the only way out of this fucked up state of living. I know that’s wrong, but ugh whatever. It’s been weeks and I can feel I’m getting closer and closer to the final destination.

I’m 27 now and although I reached a great position at work it doesn’t give me joy, never did. Nothing ever did. I look back on life hating every part of it and hating myself for it too. I used a lot of drugs which probably fucked my head up even more.

I can feel my parents feeling stressed too, they look at me with such sorrow in their eyes. Like they’re already saying goodbye to me. It seems like good timing, I can still join the 27-club now. I feel bad for them, seeing their love and how they must feel so powerless.

I’ve been sat in the doctor’s office almost every week now, crying to my gp about how life sucks so hard. She tries to keep up the spirit by talking me into just waiting a little longer for proper help. I’ve had therapy since 12 years old and quit a few years ago, they told me to go live life on my own. I don’t think I’m cut out to live a depressed life and it doesn’t seem to get better, ever. My gp prescribed new meds, asked me if I was okay with it or if I had a different idea and I told her it would be easier to just give me some euthanasia syringe. We’ve been going over this fuck ass things for years now, I always end up crying in her office feeling too stuck to do anything about it.

I ask her, is this a good quality of life? Be honest, is this life worth living? I wonder if she thinks about cases like mine a lot.