u/Deep-Development-561

I am a cuddly/snuggly person. my husband is not. snuggling/cuddling is one of the things that makes me feel safe and improves my mental health. I just lost one of my cats in February, the best cat I could ever ask for. he was my emotional support cat, loved to be held and cuddled, and would sit on my lap and sleep with me and everything. we adopted a cat recently, I was hoping it would be some kind of replacement as this cat was very lovey dovey in the shelter. alas, he doesn’t like to be touched very much and certainly won’t snuggle. I saw a cute little puppy at an adoption event recently, and I’ve been looking into small cuddly animals. however my husband doesn’t like dogs and doesn’t want to get another pet. I need something to love and snuggle. my depression is bad lately and I need that closeness and to feel safe. im just not getting it. I tried stuffed animals but it’s not the same.

any advice on how to get through this? I’m just so lonely and depressed.

Back story: growing up was pretty horrible for me. I wasnt physically abused or anything, but my parents were divorced and dad didn’t pull his weight financially or as a father. mom did her best. it was obvious growing up that I had severe mental illness (depression, anxiety) and I acted out quite a bit. despite this I was never taken to a doctor and diagnosed. mom even told me as an adult that she thought I was bipolar but still never took me to a doctor. because i was such a brat, my brother was (and still is) the favorite. my mom even admitted he’s the favorite. mom was always nagging me about stupid stuff (point your toes forward when you walk, scrub your elbows, don’t crunch when you chew, etc). there were other, more severe things but this is going to be long so I’m moving on. dad never took us for the full court appointed time and had to be taken to court several times to be forced to pay child support. my extended family let us move into public housing in a bad area of town where there was a drive-by shooting across the street while we were sleeping. my grandmother had a property she rented and was financially able to let us live there but sold the property instead. my brother was a jerk- kicked me in the face one time, shot me a lot with his airsoft gun, and more recently sided with my ex during our divorce when he wouldn’t even hear my side of the story. my parents never disciplined him for hurting me.

despite all of this, I love my family and go see them on holidays or hang out with my mom. my husband doesn’t like my mom or brother because of how they’ve treated me. he’s OK with my dad because dad is trying to make up for some stuff. but my husband will never come with me to family gatherings. my family likes him and wants him to come. so every time I show up by myself I’m put on the spot to make an excuse as to why he didn’t come. my husband also tends not to eat meals when I’m not around so when I get home he’s cranky because he hasn’t eaten and wants dinner even though I’m full from eating with my family. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he occasionally comes with me, especially since it makes me uncomfortable to make excuses for him. Should I stop seeing my family because of the past? What can i say to my husband to help him understand that sometimes I need him to come, and I’m uncomfortable making excuses for him?

note: I know some of you will probably recommend therapy for my unresolved family issues. I have tried several therapists. one insisted that if I just went outside for a walk during our sessions I would feel better (I have allergies and sensitivity to sunlight and told her no but she kept insisting), one who treated me like I was his therapist, one who told me I need to heal my inner child. not one gave me advice on how to cope or deal with current or past situation.