u/Deep-Unit-1389

Does she not think? This is so frustrating like hello? You have a daughter with special needs and no home??? And she's running around not getting jobs because shes stanking? At this point she seems special needs as well.

Two years ago, my partner's mother died of cancer. He was already a heavy drinker, but after she died and during her battle with cancer, he lost all control over his drinking. He started drinking 2 pints of vodka a day. He didn't have a job, he was drinking and driving, and I was terrified he was going to kill himself or someone else. He really didn't seem to realize what he was doing at all.

I became his caretaker. I paid for everything. I hid my keys so he wouldn't drive drunk. I cannot emphasize enough how I am his literal guardian angel. The only reason he has a job or a place or anything was because of me, he has no family. I watched him steal money from me to buy alcohol. And still, I loved him. I knew this was not him, this was grief, this was depression, this was a disease that had taken over his brain.

Terrified and not knowing what to do, I desperately sought out a couples therapist. I made the appointment. I drove us there. I paid for it. I was desperate for him to be OK.

But this wasn't the first time I had tried to get help. A year before this, I went to another couples therapist, desperate, terrified, mentioning his drinking and driving, hoping someone would finally help us. That therapist also took him aside, listened to his version of events-a story heavily distorted by alcohol-and told him to break up with me. He never asked for my side either. Not once. He heard my partner's version and immediately pivoted the entire session toward separation. I was sitting right there, but he never asked me what happened. He never asked me what I had been through.

I am a deeply shy, soft-spoken person. I am already terrified of speaking up, of being judged, of saying the wrong thing. I struggle to find my voice in any room. And this nightmare has left me so stressed, confused, and overwhelmed that I literally cannot even think. It is straight up TV static in my brain from the stress of this. It has taken me literal years to process what is actually going on due to the stress of this.

I saw another therapist in December with my partner, who was in a Level 10 crisis. I went to her out of pure desperation. I was in a constant state of shock, my brain buzzing with fear 24/7. I was terrified he was going to die, and I needed help for both of us.

Instead of addressing the immediate, life-threatening crisis—the drinking and driving, the 2 pints a day, the complete loss of control—she separated us. She took him aside and asked him what was going on. He told her his side, the version of events where I was the villain because of something that happened 6 years ago in this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/CBvwFK1iSz

This particular bout of out-of-control drinking was very much triggered by his mom's death. Anyone with no understanding of psychology could see it. I had reiterated this in some intake forms she had me fill out before the session. He later told me that she advised him to break up with me from what he told her.

Then she came to talk to me. She did not ask me what was happening. She did not ask me about the drinking. She did not ask me about his mother's death. She did not ask me about the 2 years of terror I had been living through. She did not ask me for my side of the story. Anything. No context or anything that a more sober person that cares about their partner deeply could give better than he could at this moment.

Instead, she had me do depression and anxiety tests. That's it. No "what's your story?" No "what's been going on?" No "when did he get this way?" Just said I'm depressed and anxious. Yeah. I wonder why. The love of my life is an end-stage alcoholic and the amount of suffering and heartbreak seeing this would make anyone depressed and anxious.

I was the one who was sober, thinking clearly, and trying to hold everything together. I had even written on her intake pamphlet that he had no support system and a history of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation—and that I was terrified of him leaving because I know for a fact he would be dead, most likely from suicide, or homeless. His family is estranged. I was not just his girlfriend. I was his family. His only family. He had no one else. And she told him to leave the only person he had.

And in the very first session, she advised him to break up with me. Before even speaking to me or having us talk through anything together.

Her advice was a death sentence. The thought of leaving me—his only support, the only person keeping him alive—was so distressing that it directly amplified his drinking. He went on a 5-day binge immediately after that session. He didn't eat anything and I was shaking with fear that he was going to die.

And then, just one month later, he got a DWI.

One month. That is not a coincidence. That is a direct line from her reckless advice to a life-threatening event. He is lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else.

She heard his side of a 6-year-old story and she decided I was the villain. But she did not tell me to break up with him for lying about rent and getting us evicted, drinking 2 pints a day, drinking and driving, getting a DWI, hiding money, stealing from me, or being in end-stage alcoholism with no job and no family.

Why did she have more judgment for me than for the life-threatening disease that was actively killing him right in front of her? Or the fact that he is actively putting innocent people in danger?

Why was she so quick to believe him—and so quick to dismiss me? Why did she assume he was telling the truth and I was lying, without ever asking? This is also the only mistake I've made in 13 years, and he has made thousands, all of which have been much worse and more fatal. I feel as if he uses this event to hold it over my head a lot because he knows he has no leverage.

Is it not common sense that alcoholics lie all the time? That they have distorted memories? That their brain is literally not functioning properly?

She was a therapist. She should have known this. It is Addiction 101. You do not take an addict's version of events as fact. You do not make a life-altering recommendation based on the words of someone whose brain is actively being pickled by alcohol.

And here is the part that makes me want to scream: This is the second couples therapist who has done this. Two different therapists. Two separate intake sessions. Both times, I went there desperate for help with his drinking and driving. Both times, they took him aside, listened to his version of events, and told him to break up with me. Both times, they never asked for my side. Not once. Not ever. I have never been given a chance to speak.

Has anyone else experienced something like this, where a therapist made things worse, took sides, or ignored a crisis? How did you cope? I just need to know I am not alone. Do you think they even told him this or is he just using it as leverage? I don't know. Help.

Long story short, 6 years ago my bf had cuckolding fantasies. Im extremely shy and socially anxious and socially inept and also demisexual so i never felt much desire to ever do these, and felt guilty about it. He never made any boundaries and even explicitly told me "I don't care what you do" with others. A week before this event, he made a Fetlife for me and showed me men he wanted me to talk to. He has never shown any objection to me talking to other men ever, and has encouraged it everytime, and never asked me to do anything beforehand like talk to him. Keep this in mind.

A week later we got evicted due to him not paying rent the entire time we had lived there. I gave him rent money every single time, I have no idea where it went. He also said he went into extreme debt due to paying rent there, and his credit is ruined. How??? How are you in debt and we're still being evicted? He never even asked his parents or mine for any help at all, and my parents would never have allowed it to happen if he did. Instead for some reason, he just let us get evicted. If not for our parents we would have been homeless and lost our cats, everything. Why would he just let it happen.

I also just found out literally a month ago my saint of a mother saved both of us from being SUED by the landlord for nonpayment the entire time we stayed there by paying all the debt and she kept it quiet to not cause any more suffering and problems. Hes lied to me this entire time saying they just evicted us because they lost money orders. That was his favorite lie. The other party losing money orders. He also uses this for unpaid tickets a lot.

During this period I was obviously extremely distressed, traumatized, not in my right mind, crying everyday from the shock and trauma and confusion of it all. But my bf was very much the most depressed ive ever seen him and I wanted desperately for him to be happy, so I arranged a date with someone. I, again, am 100% convinced this is a ok because for 7 years he has told me this is OK. I text him the plan as he is asleep next to me and i don't want to disturb him.

I wake up and hes mumbling to himself he wants to kill himself, I obviously freak out and he loses his absolute shit on me screaming at me about how im cheating on him and he storms off and leaves, and I am convinced he went off to kill himself and now im in more shock and confusion, because he has never ever screamed at me like that hntil then, and im so confused I literally blackout and go into fetal position and rock on the ground in a corner, and my therapist says I went into a peri traumatic dissociation. I cannot emphasize enough how it felt like i just literally woke up in a different world or timeline here. My minds even more messed up now. He comes back eventually but the rest of the day I do not remember from how traumatic and shocking and confusing it was.

He blames me for his drinking due to this event. He gets mad at me while drinking like 60% of the time over this and its bad. Yelling at me, but I endure.

Now looking back on it, it may seem like alcohol may have influenced this event as he never gets this emotionally unstable and furious if alcohol isnt involved. My mom also told me he drank her entire bar of antique liquor when we stayed in the basement. For some reason i never noticed. I think I was very traumatized down there and my brain full of fog is why. And looking back on all of it now, it seems like alcohol has made him fight with me like 90% of the time we've ever had fights.

I want it to be clear that this is literally the one mistake ive made in a 13 year relationship while he has made thousands as well, his mistakes much more fatal and worse than mine, like drinking and driving 40ish times some with me in the car before i realized he was drinking and his patterns, gotten a dwi, totaled his car from drinking and driving, put lives on the line, hes gotten fired from literally 6 jobs and getting us somehow evicted while stealing money from me, getting us taken to court for his lies, and lying to me that it wasn't his fault.

He uses this as the reason why he drinks. Did I cause him to drink? Can it? Please give me honest advice. Thank you.