u/Deepseatedtrain

Last year, I did something that was undoubtedly bad, where I should have been more responsible and more mature as an adult in my early twenties. Unfortunately I was succumb by anger and resentment.

Ever since then I have thought about it, and even after a year I think about it constantly. I was rightfully punished for this, and am nearly completely isolated.

However since January, I keep thinking about other things I have done wrong previously all the way from when I was a teenager until my 20’s. It never stops, how I have hurt people, how my morality failed and how I didn’t seem to notice or made excuses for myself.

I can’t move on, I never will. If everything I have ever done is revealed it would be complete social death, and I would deserve it.

I don’t know what to do, I want to both be held accountable that maybe then finally once the result has hit I can feel peace knowing I have had my punishment, but also I just want to be forgotten. I hate not knowing, I hate who I am. I am a monster, the worst of the worst.

My family are worried sick about me, I can see how me barely being able to eat. Losing a lot of weight in a short amount of time, Vomiting, crying, not showering.

In that sense I haven’t stopped hurting people at all, I recognize now what I have is OCD. I can even think of other parts of my life where it has affected me and I was unaware, especially regarding magical thinking.

I just want to vanish or have an answer, I wish I could either go back in time, maybe then I can have a chance. I keep seeing images of myself as a child, and keep thinking how I failed her.

I have real event ocd, which has fed into other themes of mine and made them far worse as well.

I constantly think back to last early summer, it’s been nearly a year to the dot but I can’t let it go.
I was in my early 20’s, yet I feel like I can never move past this and that I don’t even deserve to live on the same world as human beings.

I have attempted once, and failed alongside another near attempt. I just want it to end, I feel like I got away too easy for the pain I caused. I would rather not get into what it was.

I can’t breathe, I feel like I can barely work. I might have statistically another 60-70 years on this planet but I will never forgive myself. I deserve to have my life ruined, in fact some part of me welcomes it just so it won’t be in my hands anymore.

I don’t know what to do, I have soiled this beautiful world with my evil. I don’t deserve any kindness my family gives me, even when they know everything.

My catastrophic thoughts keep telling me my life will be ruined forever soon enough because everything I have ever done that was harmful or wrong will come back to haunt me, and honestly I deserve it.

my compulsion to make myself puke to punish myself for everything i feel guilty over is back, it won’t go away