I feel unwelcome by both sides of my family, friends, etc. and I need advice on what I should be now? Where do I go? Someone to hear me
I am in my 20s and in college, born in Chicagoland to my white dad and Puerto Rican mom. My dad’s lineage came from
Italy and my mom’s directly from the island and only moved to Chicago fairly recently generation wise.
My mom is brown, curly hair, loud and proud, speaks Spanish, has dark hair and ethnic (?) features. My dad is white, blonde, and green eyes. My brother is brown and has curly hair. Me? I have the weirdest mix ever. I have a clearly non-white nose and lips. I have straight dark hair, brown eyes, I have olive brown skin that in the summer turns really dark and then turns so light almost white in the Illinois winter. I was never taught Spanish by my mom and struggled to learn it in school because of a learning disability. I’ve tried a few times but that’s another issue.
My father is extremely absent, racist, and abusive. So is his family. They act southern and are rich and say horrible things about POC and call me and my bro a mutt. They have this air that they are above my mom and her side.
I grew up with Puerto Rican traditions and things and foods, and that Humboldt park real shit, but at home everything was white washed because of my dad. So now I feel like a broken puzzle in my adulthood. My mom makes fun of me and says I’m white not Hispanic and whenever I try to join in on Hispanic conversations I get separated or told I’m not one of them. I don’t have many Hispanic friends and I can’t speak Spanish with them anyways, but my white friends have routinely let me down, doing micro aggressive stuff, making mean comments, treating me like their pet to show off. When their families learn I’m Puerto Rican I’m like something to be put on a stage and studied.
I desperately just want to be Puerto Rican, my race is Puerto Rican why can’t that just be a thing? I don’t want to be white, I don’t want straight flat hair, I don’t want my skin to be pale in the winter, I don’t want to be related to my dad. I want to be wrapped in the flag. I want to cry.
I don’t know what to do
I hate this and I just want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay and it doesn’t have to be this way?