Hard to take medication
It has been really difficult for me to take meds. I need to refill two of them, and every time I put a pill in my mouth I feel like it's poisoning me. I take a med and I think "this is going to kill me" and it scares me bad enough that I want to throw it up. I'm not entirely convinced I 100% need them and they all feel like placebo. I can't tell if they work or not. I feel like I used to be able to tell, but now I can't.
I can't tell anyone in my life about it. I feel like they're going to punish me if I tell them I haven't been taking my meds. My therapist, psychiatrist, family, and friends don't know. I feel like there's this wall now that makes it impossible to tell them.
I don't know what feels normal and what doesn't. Something feels absurdly evil inside of me, like some black sticky goo that's infecting me. It feels like something satan has put in me. I just want to stop feeling this way but I'm so scared of taking meds. I feel like the meds will kill me if I take them, like I'm poisoning myself. And it won't stop the feeling of evil in me. I feel so out of sorts. And everyone's lying to me, always trying to rile me up and make me feel angry. I see it on the Internet and in real life. I don't think my friends are really my friends. I feel like if I talk to anyone about this, then someone or something will come kill me. Even typing this and posting it makes me feel really scared.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I have schizoaffective or if I'm just filled with this evil satanic presence that's ruining my life. I can't read or write or draw. I just watch YouTube videos all day. I see my therapist next week, and I will try to work up the courage to tell her how I've been doing. Maybe I'll use this post as a template to tell her.