u/Delicious_Stress9585

I am a women in her 20s basically i am 22 years old. I graduated highschool/college at 18 and i didn’t went to any university because of my mental health i couldn’t take any academic pressure as my depression and anxiety started from the studies Basically finishing high school itself was very difficult for me because of anxiety, but I still completed it.
Now it’s been 3 years almost and in 3 years my depression got worse but after 3 years now i am going to start with something small like a course why a course cause my mother said to take things slow i have been pleading her before to let me go to university but she said i was not ready now things have settled down, it’s going my way and i am gonna restart from the beginning it’s just a beautician course but it still makes me question if i fail and i am hell of a nervous i am not just saying oh i would fail but i have seen myself before in my teens i dont want that to happen again plus before i start this course thing my mother said to try out applying for job i did i got a call and i did interview till last step and you know what question they asked tell me something about your favorite series i started talking about that couldn’t find any words to describe or explain because maybe it’s been too long i have been just at home doing absolutely nothing, After the interviewer asked this question you know what i did i said ‘ i cant do it ‘ he said you should take time and come back with answer you know what i replied i said no i am not ready for this job although i really wanted to but whatever i do i just couldn’t do it. not to mention the reason why i am starting my education journey is because we shifted to our home town before i was living in uae, university there was quite expensive that was the reason too i couldn’t do anything there
Anyways whatever i do i ended up making things worse and i feel like i am getting really used to this lazy lifestyle i want to get out of it and i am scared but i am willing to give one more chance by starting the course i mentioned earlier.
I just really wanted to complete this course get a decent job and don’t have to ask my parents to buy me anything because whenever i do they gotta problem with it and i want to make my own decisions, i want to live a life where i can freely do anything where i travel around the world take care of myself with skincare buy more clothes and stuff i like go on coffee dates by myself as i don’t think there will be anyone who will genuinely like me
How am i supposed to do all of that when i am like this, i don’t wanna end up being broke i wanna do something i am soo tired and depressed, i want to give this life a chance but whenever i do something always went wrong

English is not my first language so i might not be really good at it so sorry in advance
I don’t know how i turned out to be like this, i have always admired man my whole life and really thought i was straight but in my teenage years whenever i found a girl who is extremely attractive i go crazy about it and keep praising them until they get uncomfortable like i actually didn’t do it to make them feel uncomfortable but they always had a look on their face that screams uncomfortable, now you would say this is pretty normal finding people attractive that doesn’t make you bi that’s atleast what i convinced myself too
After some years i talked to this girl who was in my school but we didn’t really talked in person much but after graduating we started talking to each other often maybe that’s because i really like her poetry which she shared on her ig soo we keep talking about everything and have lots of similar interest but there was this one time i don’t how the conversation went in a different direction, we were talking about something about making out in car and i suggest something like what if we make out in a car i really don’t remember how she responds but i clearly remembered she changed the topic, i was not sexually attracted to her but i really liked her it’s like she gets me like no one else does, after sometime we got really distant and didn’t talk much
(This information might be unnecessary but i am into watching bl and gl i really like the storylines and have no problem whatsoever ever with homosexuality)
Fast forward to now i am 22 and i get the urge to be with a woman who is feminine and shorter than me and like really cute i really wanna treat her good and recently i have been making fake scenarios being with a woman doing things with her i also make scenarios about man too, it seems like i like both
I am Muslim and i don’t want to be bisexual and things are getting out of hand i keep imagining things i shouldn’t, i want to be 100 percent straight
Chat am i really bi or i am just confused
Look i really need help i recently got my heart broken because of a man i loved the most and now i am being like this, maybe its because he didn’t treat me right so i want to treat someone else right that must be it right then why in the hell it’s a women, i think about being with a man as well
God whenever i think about it i got nauseous and my stomach hurts also my throat feels like it’s been wrapped around with a wire