u/DelightedWarship

… and my mother has yet to notice.

She will likely start to question things by next week, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes a month for her to notice. When her birthday comes around, that is when she will know things are different. Because she will do the ritual of obligation, where everyone does what SHE wants for her bday, and then realize I’ve broken the 3 decade feedback loop of ignoring my own subconscious physical reaction I have to appease her and her plans. No more.

It’s kinda sad to realize the only way for me to honestly heal from the hurts of emotional abandonment, neglect, weaponized ignorance, and manipulation is to go from grey rocking to flat out nothing. I have such an instinctual urge to seek approval, prevent the conflict, try to make her happy so I don’t have to bear the emotions that suddenly become my fault.

Mother’s Day it crossed the line. After two miscarriages, I was dreading the weekend. I made plans for the bandwidth I had, and it still included her in them, just not as much time as she hoped. She threw a three day long silent treatment to me, but temper tantrum to my family on how devastated she was. Mind you, she hadn’t made any plans yet and no one had read her mind to know the plans she had dreamed up. It took family reminding her how hard the weekend would be for me for her to graciously revert back to my original plans. How kind of her..

Yet during our lunch together, I gave her cookies, flowers and two cards. I got nothing in return except “you got me tulips last year” before her innocent pretend of “but these are still pretty” to save face. But I didn’t even get a card. Just some acknowledgement for how hard it was is all I wanted.

I realized I needed to help myself, heal myself, and this was the path I needed to finally step down. But seeing how she hasn’t noticed makes me wonder if she will care at all, or just when it is convenient for her.

So ultimately I’ve decided I need to go no contact and potentially low contact in the future with my mother and stepfather. After decades of emotional unavailability, especially through my two miscarriages this year, it’s just time. I’m having nightmares, becoming physically sick and my mental health is TRASH from the treatment lately and I have to break this decades old toxic cycle we have fallen into.

But now I’m confused at how I navigate the relationship between her and my child? I want no ill will there. Granted it won’t be much change there because my mother has only shown up to my kids 1st birthday and she’s over 4 years old now. She sees my kid just a handful of times a year, so the distance is nothing new. She’s VERY uninvolved as a grandparent. But I feel some guilt of impeding that relationship since a 4yr old can’t call/text or drive to see her grandmother. I worry my child will be hurt and angered by this when grown up, since it’s such a complex and messy situation that doesn’t have a clean cut moment to blame. I feel like I’m taking something from my child by finally making this decision to choose myself first.

So just curious how others have dealt with this? I’ve made the decision so I guess now I just have to deal with the consequences in the future between my child and I? What does this situation look like for others that have been through it?