u/Dense_Ocelot_827

She asked who I was to him and if knew him. I immediately had a panic attack and felt like I couldn't breath. She told me him and his parents and their lawyer have been keeping tabs on me and said I just got my most recent ex arrested for grape(I didn't he was arrested for felony strangulation) and I feel so paranoid it's not funny. The back story is super long but the ex she's referencing use to burn my face with the metal part of a lighter, break anything I loved "by accident", constantly make me late to trigger anxiety, belittle me, choke me out, bite me on my face. Grape me. Like everything. And his parents are rich enablers. They defend him, pay his legal fees, and coddle him. I feel so sick and stressed. I've deactivated my tiktok changed my fb profile pick to a blank screen, double checked my privacy settings, and everything in between.

1. When I first tried to open up about what I had been through after months of making sure he was someone I trusted and he told me He couldn't bear to hear the stuff I had gone through because it hurt him and he shut me down. I just wanted to give him a blueprint to the things that set me off or hurt me so he could understand the unhealed parts of me and he refused to even listen.

2. When asking for my alone time became something I was nervous to do. He'd always act dejected or hurt when I wanted to do stuff alone. He'd always ask to join me and whatever female friend I was with or ask to ride to VA with me while I visited my son, despite knowing he'd have to stay at my mom's house while I visited because I don't introduce my son to people. then he'd ask when I was coming back, why didn't I text as soon as I got on my way, or the one time I visited my long distance bestie and I confirmed all of the plans with him before hand and he still called me freaking out and saying I was selfish despite him saying he was fine with it.

3. When he stopped helping me. We worked the same 12 hour shifts 5-7 days a week but I'd get up at 3am to clean everything up so I wouldn't have to do dishes before I cooked him dinner. Then once I got home id I'd feed the animals, cook for us, water the plants, do any laundry, shower and go to sleep just to do it again. Occasionally he'd help but when we first got together he always did the dishes because I always cooked really good meals and helped me put away laundry. Near the end I'd ask for weeks for him to just put aways his clothes.

4. When he put his hands on me I cared more about easing his guilt than he did respecting my new found boundary of living separately. While I reassured him we could work through it but that I couldn't move back until he got help he cared more about how lonely he felt in an empty house than the impact of what happened. Now he says I deserve better and he's proud of me for leaving even if it hurt.

5. When hed call the minute I was scheduled to be done with therapy to ask where I was because he missed me. We ate lunch together at work, ate dinner together, grocery shopped together, if I wanted to go for a run he wanted to come even though he'd walk 2 laps and wait in the car. I felt SMOTHERED.

6. when I preached about saving money for our future and he'd blow money left and right on stuff that didn't improve our lives long term but made "us" happy short term. Then after saving our emergency fund and an emergency happened and I went to use it, the whole 1k was missing .... Only quarters and pennies remained. He never told me he used it or even consulted and it was both of our money saved in it.

7. When he started showing up to work drunk despite me telling him he needed to get a grip on his drinking. He'd take 5shots in an hour, forget he ate or said stuff/anything we talked about, then swear he wasn't drinking or didnt have that much. I didn't realize he was a sober alcoholic when we got together. He never told me. So when we'd have a couple drinks I thought things were fine. Then he spiraled.

8. When his stepmom told me to leave him because if I didn't id spend the rest of my life doing the exact same thing because she does that stuff for his dad.

9.when I finally background checked him and found out he was a felon

Well it happened and I hate that a part of me was relieved. He even accused me of wanting this to happen but I didn't I just didn't realize I had been holding my breath the last month of our relationship. I was sure I could get passed his behavior when he was taking testosterone but he got so upset that I refused to move back immediately. Said I wasn't a "ride or die" and only cared what my friends thought when really I wanted to see him take initiative to change. I waited on the sidelines while he stayed the same and then he dumped me. I didn't realize how much weight would be lifted despite the added weight of sadness. He's financially irresponsible and I try not to be. He was impulsive whereas I measure options. I wasnt miserable with him(until recently, I'd feel the dread of seeing him) but I wasn't happy. I kept fighting with myself because I made promises but when he said he was done it was like there was no fight left to be had. I know he will ask for me back, I did everything for him. But I won't go. I finally feel breath in my lungs and have space and time to myself. I feel free

Disclaimer: my partner was NEVER violent prior to this and I know the typical saying of 'once they hit you they will do it again' ...I guess im just struggling

I’m a pretty serious DV survivor. We all are, but I mean I used to get choked out, tortured, slapped, bitten in the face, burned with hot metal from a lighter left on too long, etc. I still have a protective order against that man. He was genuinely evil. No light in his eyes. He’d keep me awake because it amused him, make me late just to spike my anxiety, things like that.

I healed really well after that and eventually found someone genuinely loving and warm. We’ve been together almost 3 years. During the first year we had a few issues because he never warned me that he can’t drink. Or rather, he can’t stop drinking once he starts. About 6 months in, he made the incredible decision to get sober and stayed sober for over a year, but recently he started backsliding.

Things finally hit a breaking point when he paired alcohol with testosterone.

One night I came home from work and he admitted he was already 10 shots deep and immediately started picking arguments. I left for awhile and sat in a parking lot talking to a friend because I was worked up and he was calling me names for sitting in my car away from him.

I came back because he said the power was out and the fridge and freezer weren’t working. Eventually things calmed down and we went to bed, where he wanted sex because the testosterone had made him miserably horny. I said no because we’d been fighting, he’d been rude to me all night, and because sleeping naked does not mean I want sex.

He got frustrated and started nitpicking, so I moved to the recliner wrapped in a towel because suddenly just existing naked felt like a problem when it never used to.

At some point he came at me like he was going to punch me. I immediately ducked my head into my chest, started crying, and begged him to get away from me. He stopped mid-swing and acted like I was overreacting, asking what the fuck was wrong with me.

I kept hyperventilating and crying, telling him to stay away from me. Then he came at me again and shook me. I started kicking and hitting to get him off me when he swung toward my stomach and caught my upper thigh instead.

I got up and rushed for the door still wrapped in a towel because I was trying to get to the laundry building outside, throw clothes on, and leave. He jumped in front of me and told me I wasn’t going anywhere like that. I said yes I was, and he shoved me backward into the dog gate we have screwed into the wall between the kitchen and living room. It bent completely underneath me when I fell on it.

Then his hands went around my throat.

I started screaming as loud as I could, and instead of choking me he started trying to cover my mouth. I realized there was a canned good within reach and smashed him in the head with it while kicking him away. While trying to figure out what else I could grab, I realized my phone was already in my hand. Pure muscle memory made me dial 911 and flip the phone over so he wouldn’t see it.

I think the can to the head caused a moment of clarity because suddenly he was saying he loved me and begging me to stop while I was crying and screaming at him to get away from me. Then he realized I had the phone and tried to take it.

The rest of the story is that he was arrested and charged with felony strangulation.

His parents are amazing people. I called them myself, told them everything, and helped facilitate his bail.

I'm just confused. As one is when abuse enters the chat. He is NOT this person sober. Things really took a turn when he was prescribed testosterone... He's someone who loves to help. Grabs my favorite things. Helped me get and pay off my car. Never made loving me seem like a chore...

TLDR: After years of healing from severe abuse, I thought I’d found a safe relationship. My partner relapsed, mixed alcohol with testosterone, became violent during an argument, and ended up strangling me. I fought back, called 911, and he was arrested for felony strangulation.