Mother not respecting boundaries or am I being to harsh / not empathic?
Hi all,
I'm going to try and summarise this as best as I can, but in essence I would like your opinion as to whether my mother is crossing the line or if I'm not being a supportive daugther (30 F). We recently had a massive fight (that I will get into), where my husband was also present, and as an overthinker I tend to try and analyze all sides of the story and also see if I may be potentially the one who is seeing things incorrectly or behaving incorrectly.
Background info: my parents have been through a long and messy divorce process (as in years of discussion and lawyers) that finally came to a settlement a few months ago. To be fair, my father has been the more vocal one and shared shit that maybe my brother (26M) and I weren't supposed to know, which unconsciously might have made us initially be more receptive towards him than my mother. My mother is the type of person who keeps things to herself, but recently she's been trying to express her feelings about how things are unfair, and things that hurt her, etc.
A few years back both my brother and I explicitly told our parents that we did not want to get involved, or take sides, or know of their crap because in the end we both love our parents equally and it's not fair for us to hear them talk about "unjustices" they have received from one another. If they need to cope with their emotions, they need to do that with their therapists.
I'm getting to my point shortly but it's also important for you to know:
My husband and I got married recently and just planning the wedding was stressful because of family dynamics. We sat down with both of my parents and told them that we expected them to behave and get along for a few hours, and that we wanted no drama. (My parents DO behave and they're not the type to throw plates at each other, but still, I wanted it to be clear that it's OUR wedding day and that I didn't want to SEE, FEEL, or HEAR any tension whatsoever.)
I've been trying to actively rebuild the relationship with my mom since the divorce because it's just a little more strained or difficult than with my father. I've been actively doing things with her and do more of the mother/daughter bonding stuff that we did prior to their divorce. What bothers me is that many times she is not aware, but she will pull faces or do mini sighs or other non-verbal tics when for example I say that i will spend some days with my dad (after her asking me what I would be up to on the weekend). So through action-reaction I've learned to not disclose any information of my plans or anything regarding time or life that I spend with my father because it always brings out faces I can't deal with.
Anyways, now that you have context- on to the massive fight:
A few weeks after my wedding my mother politely asked me that when I had the time, that she wanted to discuss some dynamics that had happened with my father's family during the wedding. I declined and told her I wasn't ready to discuss any matter regarding that because neither my husband or I had properly processed the wedding yet and we wanted to savour our moment without any other people's emotions tainting our experience.
Yesterday she brought it up again and said that she wanted to share her hurt about how my father's family treated her unjustly, and that she needed to know why they treated her the way they did, and also that she needed to get if off her chest because according to her therapist, in order to get closure and rebuild the relationship properly with me, she needed to share her wounds and express her feelings in order to move forward.
My husband interjected (to protect me) and said that he didn't see how my father's family's actions had anything to do with me/us. On one hand because we weren't even aware (because obviously we were enjoying our day). and on another hand because these emotions and questions as to why they are treating her the way they did should be directed at my father or my father's family, and not at me. I can't respond for the actions of others.
My husband has a lot of patience but because he has seen me suffer with my mother's behavior he sort of started to get worked up and told my mother that I had repeatedly insisted that I did not want to know about shit that may or may not have happened at our wedding, and that she was repeatedly trying to bring it up and not respect my wishes.
She lashed out and said that she also has the right to her express her emotions, that she is not a "machine" but a human being, and that she just wants some empathy. I told her I understood, but that these emotions should be spoken with a therapist, and not unloaded on me or my brother. Anyway, the conversation got heated because my husband told her she was not seeing how bringing these things up is
not my burden to bear (and less so if I already set a boundary) and
that she is not seeing the pain that she is inflicting on me and my brother and she would eventually come to see it.
My husband sort of stormed off because we had been discussing for a while now and he had lost his patience. (again, he has a lot of patientce. like a lot. but when he loses it, he loses it and leaves).
I gave my mom two kisses on the cheek and told her this conversation was not being productive and I left as well. Obviously neither my husband or I slept that night.
Fast forward a day later- I received a long audio on my phone from my mother where she was apologizing for how things had gone and how she had lost her cool, but at the same time I feel like she wasn't really apologizing because she was reiterating her point of view from yesterday's discussion. At the same time, she shared even more details of her experience at our wedding and she also told me she expected an apology from my husband because he had crossed a line in family matters and that he had made the discussion worse by just storming off and "threatening her" with the comment that she would eventually see the pain she was inflicting.
I disagree with my mom and actually think she is the one who should apologize because she has overstepped several times what we asked for us to be a boundary. And although it is something having to do with MY family, the events happened at OUR wedding, hence my husband also as the right to not have his experience/his day tainted by my family's shit.
Personally I don't want to get caught up with the idea of anybody think anybody apologizing one to another because no one has really wronged anybody else - what I want to get to is a sort of mutual understanding as to boundaries and wishes regarding expressing feelings.
Now here comes the question: I understand that my mother has the right to express her feelings and share things from the past to try and get closure and move forward with her life and for us tu rebuild our relationship.
At the same time, I also have the right to not get involved with my parent's shit and their emotional garbage because honestly, both me and my bro have heard and dealt with too much at this point.
One part of me empathizes with my mother and questions if I am being harsh with her by not wanting to listen to "her side of the story" or her wounds. But the other side of me really wants to move on and shut this chapter for good in my life and not have things brought up by her every time we meet up because it makes me want to spend less and less time with her. In fact when I spend time with her I'm always a little on edge because I never know if she's going to bring something up or not.
Any advice or POV? I know there's not a "one person is right and one person is wrong"- there's always truth to both sides of the story, but after the massive blowout yesterday I feel like if she can't get a move on and make peace and not unload shit every time, then I'll likely start cutting ties...
I also feel llike she has a warpped view and like she manipulates or changes the words regarding the discussion we had. I feel like sometimes she plays the victim - for example in now demanding an apology from my husband...
Help, please. Thank you for reading me this far,