u/DessMounda

I’m 24. I’ve been having eating issues for 5 years I’d say. But I had been using eating/not eating as a coping mechanism even a little before that. I almost regained everything I had lost. I wasn’t even totally recovery minded when I stopped restricting. I just felt like “it won’t hurt to eat what i want” and then depression piled up and so did me using delivery apps and bingeing. Well. Now I’m broke-ish? Due to all my medical/therapy visits and not keeping track of my spending and leaving work early/calling out. Now that I’m out of the storm I question if I’m even that depressed. I recently started back getting into actively disordered stuff. I never really stopped being disordered. It just wasn’t bad as it used to be when I first started. I deleted tiktok and other stuff because it was weighing on my mental health too bad. Now all I have is reddit and twitter.. well.. ofc I’m on edtwt cause I can’t be fucking normal. While I do have a community on there it doesn’t help obviously. I always questioned if I was truly disordered and at the beginning it fueled me. But now with bills and a full time job.. I’m starting to get back into my honeymoon phase but I can’t afford to. I’m in my mid 20s brah. It’s so silly but I think I’m trying to relapse or I am relapsing. I’m really engaging in the shit I used to go in the beginning! Is this constant cycle normal? I’ve tried to get help for my ED but I can’t find anybody that ACTUALLY is trained in it. Along with my ed, I just want to stop getting help for my other medical issues. It feels like I’m a hag trying to relive her youth and I won’t be taken seriously until something happens and then I’ll be looked at as stupid. But I just needed to vent to people that may actually experience what I’m going through. Nobody really in my real life knows that I even struggled with this or the full extent of it.

I’ve been on cymbalta for several months now. I’ve been on 90mg for almost a month. And I feel like my mood isn’t overly consistent and I’m still having big depression symptoms. I started back self harming, purging, sleeping all the time. I’m just worried because this is the 4-5th med I’ve been on and I still feel like this. I’m worried since my SI isn’t as bad as it used to be they’re just gonna say I’ve improved and this is the best I’m gonna get or accuse me of pill seeking. I just feel like I’m in limbo. I’m not saying it’s not doing anything but I never get the feeling like this drug is a miracle or anything like that. I don’t feel much different from when I wasn’t on anything. It’s just less chaotic overall.

I’m feeling really conflicted and need outside opinions. My psychiatrist wants to meet with me in a few days to discuss whether inpatient might be needed, and I’m honestly freaking out.

I want to clarify: I did not have a suicide plan or intent. I wasn’t preparing anything or trying to make it happen. During a really bad spiral, I had vague thoughts about methods, but they were thoughts not something I was actively going to do.

Now that I’m calmer, I feel like I was being dramatic and I’m worried I made it seem worse than it was. I don’t actually want to die. I was overwhelmed and spiraling. I know how people get treated in inpatient and i’m the only one paying my bills.

For context, I’ve been struggling with depression, self-harm history, eating disorder behaviors (restriction/purging), and periods where I’m barely functioning outside of work. My psychiatrist also knows I’ve had suicidal thoughts.
Has anyone been in a similar situation where their psychiatrist brought up inpatient? Did it actually end up being necessary, or were there other options? I’m trying to figure out if I’m minimizing what happened or if inpatient is truly excessive for my situation.

I got referred to an ED clinic for counseling. But it just upsets me to regain this weight. At first.. I really did not care! But now? I can’t be like this. But it’s like all I can do is eat. I purge to “see if i still got it” even though logically I know it does nothing. I literally abused lax a few weeks ago and paid the price miserably. I can’t starve and fast how I used to years ago and it genuinely bothers me. I’ve always felt like a wannarexic from the beginning. I’ve been dealing with this stuff for years. I’ve only been underweight briefly. I want people to see my suffering. I’m not okay even though I’m still working and it’s not just simply depression! But I feel like a larper and an attention seeker. I can’t tell if I just do this for the fuck of it or what I’m even doing anymore.

I’ve been disordered now for about…. 4-5 years? I was really in my honeymoon phase early. Kinda phased out when I started working and having other issues. I still occasionally engaged in disordered behaviors. I got put on prozac. That genuinely helped me. I stopped caring as much about my body and if I could purge or not. But I felt so sleepy and it did nothing for mood, so now I’m off of it. Now I’m on another med. Along with other bad coping mechanisms, I think I’ve relapsed. These thoughts feel stronger than ever. I know I can’t realistically do this. But these thoughts won’t go away. It feels like an addiction. The disgust, body comparison, and the nasty feelings have all come back. And I am in the process of getting psychiatric help, but it is also so hard hiding this from everyone. And I know if I do lose weight how I’d like to people are gonna ask questions. I also worry about living alone. It’s a blessing and a curse. I am scared about dying alone if I get unlucky with a purge. I just don’t know if I’m ready to truly recover though. For the longest time I’ve asked myself if I even have an eating disorder. Especially in the beginning I felt like a fraud. It encouraged me to go harder. But I’m older with bills and a cat. I can’t do that anymore like how I used to. I just feel like I’m in limbo.