What is this feeling?
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(I'm 20 - 3 years old male please dont mind me posting here. whenever i post i post in communities with people older than me cuz always they have never been rude or mocking (unlike the teen communities) and obviously, yall have been through my stage so yall know better obviously. Im really not trying to be cringe OR look cool cuz this is completely anonynous and i dont gain any respect or coolness from this. Hope you get the point, and just, dont mind if my english is wrong or mistaken or whatever loll)
So almost always, I used to think this whole “love” thing and like, “ashiqi” (عاشقی) thing was cringe and fake. Like when people would say stuff like “I’m madly in love with her” or “I can’t move on from her” or “I can never love someone else”, I genuinely thought they were acting dramatic and cringe 😭 I always believed you can’t actually feel love like that at this age or before becoming a proper adult or whatever.And I used to be the type of person who would swear on Allah that I genuinely had no crush on anyone, cuz i was that confident in my idea and beleived in what i had concluded. and didn’t understand how people fell in love 😭
But something changed I guess.
So there’s this girl in school. The first time I saw her was a little over a year ago. It was a cloudy day and me and my friend were just roaming around the school when I saw her and I dont really know what happened, or maybe obviously ig i liked her. I couldn’t forget her after that.
At first I thought it was just a small crush or attraction or whatever, and I kept denying it. But the more I saw her and got to know things about her, the more obsessed I became. I started doing things I never thought I’d do for someone 😭 Looking up her socials, trying to know more about her, finding out stuff about her life, even found her address and stuff (nothing illegal btw 💀). I would literally pray just to get a glimpse of her in school because seeing her would genuinely make my whole day better.
Then exams came and me and my class stopped going to school for like a whole month. During that time I thought maybe I was finally losing feelings for her. I thought maybe this whole thing was fading away.
But then I went back to school after that month and saw her again.
Bro my heart DROPPED.
Like genuinely. My heartbeat started going crazy and I felt this huge rush in my chest. It felt so beautiful for some reason. And in that moment I realized I definitely didn’t lose feelings for her.
Because I used to think attraction was objective and love wasn’t real. Like I can objectively tell if someone is prettier than someone else. But after liking her, even if I saw someone objectively more attractive, my brain would still go “nah, she’s not prettier than her.” Even if visually she was.
And the weird thing is I can’t even think of her in a bad or sexual way because I genuinely feel embarrassed doing that, like she deserves better than being reduced to that in my head. I don’t know why.
I even saw her in a dream once where somehow a path opened for me to get closer to her. Like I had a reason to go to her house and meet her and get closer to her naturally. And while waiting for her in the dream, I remember thinking to myself, “nobody else could do this for their little 'crush'.” Like I felt calm and confident and weirdly sure about my feelings which i normally dont cuz im a really intriverted and nervous guy (well it was a dream so ig....idk). I literally remember thinking “this is love” inside the dream 😭
Because I’ve NEVER felt this for anyone before. I’ve had tiny crushes before but they would last like a few weeks max and disappear completely. This feels completely different. Even thinking about her can make my heartbeat rise a bit. And after more than a year, the feeling is still there.
Is THIS love?