u/Di_347

Body:

We’ve known each other for 7 years, dated for 1, and have been married for 1 year. From the outside, he seems like a caring husband – but inside, I’m suffocating.

Finances:

He took over our joint budget completely. My entire salary (~$900/month after taxes) goes into his control. I’m afraid to keep even $10–$15 for myself because he questions every expense. When I once kept $120 from my pay, he interrogated me: “What’s going on? Where is that money going?” I feel like a child begging for pocket money. When my father gave me $120 for my birthday, my husband called it “insulting” and asked me to tell my dad not to do that again.

Social life:

I want to meet friends occasionally. His rule: “Either we go together, or not at all.” After I pushed back, he now “allows” me to meet them for 2 hours – but he comes to pick me up, and afterward he gives me the silent treatment or accuses me of “choosing friends over family.” I end up feeling guilty just for wanting to see other people.

Career:

I got a job offer with a higher salary, a hybrid schedule, and a friend who would support me there. He gave me a list of “risks” (probation period, losing a bonus) and tried to talk me out of it. I said I would go for the interview anyway. He replied: “I’m just worried.” But I know – he just doesn’t want me to be independent.

Household:

I do all the cooking, laundry, and cleaning. He complains about mess, but his socks are all over the flat. When I wanted to send a heavy parcel by taxi (my sister sent me the money for it), he insisted we carry it ourselves. When I agreed, he claimed I was “offended” and “see him as an enemy.”

Daily control:

I have to text him when I leave home, when I’m at the bus stop, when I arrive at work. If I forget, he writes: “Why didn’t you write?” Once I didn’t reply to his random “Nothing. Okay.” – and he accused me of being cold.

His reactions:

When he gets angry, he blames it on low blood sugar (he's diabetic). If I try to disagree, he says I'm “looking for a fight.” If I stay quiet, he says “You’re upset again.” I can never win – I’m always wrong.

My mental state:

I've stopped feeling like an adult. I'm scared to keep money, scared to be 5 minutes late, scared of his silence. I know I want a divorce. But he tells me I "don't appreciate his care" – and I start doubting myself. Maybe I really am selfish?

My question to you:

Am I overreacting? Should I try harder to fix this, or is it time to leave? How do I even begin the process without being manipulated again?

TL;DR: Husband controls all my money, my time, my friendships, and my daily routine. He says it's "care," but I feel trapped. I want to leave, but I'm scared and guilty. Need advice

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I’m 26 (F), he’s 30 (M). We’ve known each other for 7 years, dated for 1 year, and have been married for 1 year. Lately I’ve been questioning everything, and I need an outside perspective – am I crazy, or am I really trapped?

Finances:

From the start of our marriage, he took full control of our money. My entire salary (\~$900/month after taxes) goes into a joint account that only he manages. I’m scared to keep even $10–$15 for myself because he checks every expense. When I once kept $120 from my pay, he interrogated me: “What’s going on? Where is that money going?” I feel like a child who has to justify every purchase. When my father gave me $120 for my birthday, my husband said it was “insulting” and asked me to tell my dad not to do that again.

Freedom and social life:

I occasionally want to meet friends. His rule: “Either we go out together, or not at all.” I pushed back – now he “allows” me to meet them for 2 hours, and he comes to pick me up. After those meet‑ups, he either gives me the silent treatment or accuses me of “choosing friends over family.” I end up feeling guilty for wanting to see other people.

Career:

I was offered a new job with a higher salary, a hybrid schedule, and support from a friend who works there. He gave me a long list of “risks” (probation period, losing a bonus) and tried to talk me out of it. I said I would go to the interview. He replied: “I’m just worried.” But I know he doesn’t want me to be independent.

Household:

I cook, do laundry, run the dishwasher. He complains about the mess, yet his socks lie all over the flat. When I wanted to send a heavy parcel by taxi (my sister sent me the money), he said: “We can carry it, it’s not far.” I agreed – and he then claimed I was “offended” and “see him as an enemy.”

Daily routine:

I have to text him when I leave the house, when I’m at the bus stop, when I arrive at work. If I forget, he writes: “Why didn’t you write?” Once I didn’t reply to his random “Nothing. Okay.” – and he accused me of being cold.

His reactions:

When he gets angry, he blames it on low blood sugar (he’s diabetic). If I try to disagree, he says I’m “looking for a fight.” If I stay quiet, he says “You’re upset again.” I can never win – I’m always in the wrong.

My state of mind:

I’ve stopped feeling like an adult. I’m scared to keep a little money, scared to be 5 minutes late, scared of his silence. I know I want a divorce. But he tells me I “don’t appreciate his care,” and I start to doubt myself – maybe I really am selfish?

So, Reddit – AITA for wanting to leave a man who controls every move I make and calls it love?