u/Different_Hat_7389

I am 20F living in the UK, I lost my mum to suicide in April 2019 when I was 13.
As a young child I lived with my parents and my older sister, my sister had some behavioural problems and was placed in residential care by her school when I was around 5. My sisters behavioural problems never changed and she struggled a lot with her mental health whilst in the unit, tragically she took her own life at only 15 years old by hanging whilst she was still n in residential care. I was 7 at this time.

I can’t begin to imagine the pain my parents must’ve felt, specifically my mum (me and my sister have different dads). Following the suicide my parents split up and my dad moved out, I continued to stay with my mum. I was too young to be told what happened to my sister so I was told she was sick, I was a very sensitive kid to begin with and didn’t cope with the loss very well. Around a year after her death there was rumours spread around my school at the time that she had hung herself in the janitors closet at my school, people were calling it haunted and I had multiple people ask me if my sister actually committed suicide. I had to ask my dad what actually happened and he told me, I guess I’ve viewed life differently since then.

Anyway, I continued to live with my mum as her mental health deteriorated. She was extremely depressed and anxious for a long time and could be quite unpredictable. I was around 9 when she started drinking heavily to cope, during this time I was malnourished and we were pretty poor, my mum wasn’t working at the time and was struggling to look after herself at all, most days she wouldn’t get out of bed. The next couple years looked the same for me, my mum was in and out of the mental hospital and took various attempts on her life with me around. It got to a point she was self harming with me in the room (I put this down to the alcohol I don’t believe she would’ve ever done this with sound mind). I still seen my dad every second weekend but he worked a lot and had a new partner. Despite how bad this might sound me and my mum did have a good relationship, we used to talk for hours on end and play games on Xbox together, she really was my best friend no matter how sick she was.

I started therapy when I was 9 to process the loss of my sister, I seen a counsellor who specialised in victims of suicide and homicide. My main goal from the therapy was to get help for my mum, she was only getting worse and at such a young age there was nothing I could do other than watch her slip further and further into alcoholism and depression. I put no blame on my counsellor at all but I’d be lying if I said I’m not bitter about them not helping me, I told them what was going on at home and my concerns for my mums welfare, she actively told me she wanted to end her life and that I was the only thing stopping her from doing so. At this age my biggest fear was losing my mum to suicide, I had a suicide plan for myself that I was planning to use if I ever suspected my mum was gonna take her life so I wouldn’t have to live with the loss.

This pattern went on until I was 13, I came home from school one day and sat down to talk with my mum as usual. Nothing seemed off, I could tell she had been drinking and could see she’d been crying but this wasn’t out of the ordinary for this point in my life. We had a normal conversation about school and she asked me to go out and play with my friends. As I got to the door she called me back over and hugged me really tight. She squeezed my hands and looked in my face and told me that she really loves me. I didn’t think anything of it and out I went.
I came back a few hours later and the doors to the house had been left wide open, the back door had a chair propped up against it to let the dog out and all the curtains were closed in the house. Everything just seemed a bit strange, my mum wasn’t home but I wasn’t worried because I thought she was maybe visiting a friend. After around an hour I walked round some of her friends houses to see if she was there, she wasn’t. It was starting to get dark and this was out of character for her, I had school the next day so she’d usually be home by dark.
At this point alarm bells start going in my head, I start panicking, I must’ve frantically searched her room over 50 times at this point. My grandad spent the night at my house and my dad and I reported my mum as a missing person the following day when she still hadn’t returned home.

A search started really quickly as my mum was at risk due to her depression, local people also joined together to look for her. These must’ve been the worst days of my life, on the second day I went to take the dog out and had noticed the rope lead we walk her with was missing, I guess I knew then what had happened. After 3 days they had found my mums body hanging in a wooded area around half a mile from our house, she had used the dogs lead I was looking for.

My mum did leave a note, it was very short and I could only bring myself to read it 3 years after her death. All it said was “I love Shannon so much but I don’t know how to cope anymore, I am so so sorry. Kelly x”.

Anyway that’s my suicide story, I’m 20 now and finding it harder than ever. I was feeling good for the last year or so but recently when I look in the mirror I’ve been seeing that lost little girl who wants nothing more than her mum. As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to see my mum as a person, a woman, not just my mum. She too was once a little girl crying for her mum, life wasn’t fair to her and I wish I could’ve changed that. Her and my sister were tormented souls and I really do hope they found peace together.

It just feels so unfair to be so alone, it’s so hard learning how to become a woman without her and my sister. I feel embarrassed sometimes, I don’t know how to braid my hair and it took me forever to learn makeup, it’s hard to fit in when there’s nobody showing you how.

I feel like every achievement is tainted by loss, every milestone for me feels bittersweet, I want to share my happiness with them. My mum never got to see who I’ve become and it kills me. Since her passing I have learned to drive, bought a car, and I’m close to graduating with a BSC hons in pharmacology. I’d kill for her to be at my graduation.

I guess it’s not just my mum and my sisters I mourn, I mourn who I could’ve been. What life could’ve been like for me without so much loss, a happy family and a real support network. I’m jealous of all my peers who have siblings and alive parents, it’s hard to imagine this is gonna be the rest of my life.

If anyone reads all this I’m hoping for some advice or perspective from others or even just some shared experiences so I can feel less alone in this. I’m feeling lost at the moment and finding it hard to stay positive and believe my path won’t be the same as my mum and sisters.

I am 20F living in the UK, I lost my mum to suicide in April 2019 when I was 13.
As a young child I lived with my parents and my older sister, my sister had some behavioural problems and was placed in residential care by her school when I was around 5. My sisters behavioural problems never changed and she struggled a lot with her mental health whilst in the unit, tragically she took her own life at only 15 years old by hanging whilst she was still n in residential care. I was 7 at this time.

I can’t begin to imagine the pain my parents must’ve felt, specifically my mum (me and my sister have different dads). Following the suicide my parents split up and my dad moved out, I continued to stay with my mum. I was too young to be told what happened to my sister so I was told she was sick, I was a very sensitive kid to begin with and didn’t cope with the loss very well. Around a year after her death there was rumours spread around my school at the time that she had hung herself in the janitors closet at my school, people were calling it haunted and I had multiple people ask me if my sister actually committed suicide. I had to ask my dad what actually happened and he told me, I guess I’ve viewed life differently since then.

Anyway, I continued to live with my mum as her mental health deteriorated. She was extremely depressed and anxious for a long time and could be quite unpredictable. I was around 9 when she started drinking heavily to cope, during this time I was malnourished and we were pretty poor, my mum wasn’t working at the time and was struggling to look after herself at all, most days she wouldn’t get out of bed. The next couple years looked the same for me, my mum was in and out of the mental hospital and took various attempts on her life with me around. It got to a point she was self harming with me in the room (I put this down to the alcohol I don’t believe she would’ve ever done this with sound mind). I still seen my dad every second weekend but he worked a lot and had a new partner. Despite how bad this might sound me and my mum did have a good relationship, we used to talk for hours on end and play games on Xbox together, she really was my best friend no matter how sick she was.

I started therapy when I was 9 to process the loss of my sister, I seen a counsellor who specialised in victims of suicide and homicide. My main goal from the therapy was to get help for my mum, she was only getting worse and at such a young age there was nothing I could do other than watch her slip further and further into alcoholism and depression. I put no blame on my counsellor at all but I’d be lying if I said I’m not bitter about them not helping me, I told them what was going on at home and my concerns for my mums welfare, she actively told me she wanted to end her life and that I was the only thing stopping her from doing so. At this age my biggest fear was losing my mum to suicide, I had a suicide plan for myself that I was planning to use if I ever suspected my mum was gonna take her life so I wouldn’t have to live with the loss.

This pattern went on until I was 13, I came home from school one day and sat down to talk with my mum as usual. Nothing seemed off, I could tell she had been drinking and could see she’d been crying but this wasn’t out of the ordinary for this point in my life. We had a normal conversation about school and she asked me to go out and play with my friends. As I got to the door she called me back over and hugged me really tight. She squeezed my hands and looked in my face and told me that she really loves me. I didn’t think anything of it and out I went.
I came back a few hours later and the doors to the house had been left wide open, the back door had a chair propped up against it to let the dog out and all the curtains were closed in the house. Everything just seemed a bit strange, my mum wasn’t home but I wasn’t worried because I thought she was maybe visiting a friend. After around an hour I walked round some of her friends houses to see if she was there, she wasn’t. It was starting to get dark and this was out of character for her, I had school the next day so she’d usually be home by dark.
At this point alarm bells start going in my head, I start panicking, I must’ve frantically searched her room over 50 times at this point. My grandad spent the night at my house and my dad and I reported my mum as a missing person the following day when she still hadn’t returned home.

A search started really quickly as my mum was at risk due to her depression, local people also joined together to look for her. These must’ve been the worst days of my life, on the second day I went to take the dog out and had noticed the rope lead we walk her with was missing, I guess I knew then what had happened. After 3 days they had found my mums body hanging in a wooded area around half a mile from our house, she had used the dogs lead I was looking for.

My mum did leave a note, it was very short and I could only bring myself to read it 3 years after her death. All it said was “I love Shannon so much but I don’t know how to cope anymore, I am so so sorry. Kelly x”.

Anyway that’s my suicide story, I’m 20 now and finding it harder than ever. I was feeling good for the last year or so but recently when I look in the mirror I’ve been seeing that lost little girl who wants nothing more than her mum. As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to see my mum as a person, a woman, not just my mum. She too was once a little girl crying for her mum, life wasn’t fair to her and I wish I could’ve changed that. Her and my sister were tormented souls and I really do hope they found peace together.

It just feels so unfair to be so alone, it’s so hard learning how to become a woman without her and my sister. I feel embarrassed sometimes, I don’t know how to braid my hair and it took me forever to learn makeup, it’s hard to fit in when there’s nobody showing you how.

I feel like every achievement is tainted by loss, every milestone for me feels bittersweet, I want to share my happiness with them. My mum never got to see who I’ve become and it kills me. Since her passing I have learned to drive, bought a car, and I’m close to graduating with a BSC hons in pharmacology. I’d kill for her to be at my graduation.

I guess it’s not just my mum and my sisters I mourn, I mourn who I could’ve been. What life could’ve been like for me without so much loss, a happy family and a real support network. I’m jealous of all my peers who have siblings and alive parents, it’s hard to imagine this is gonna be the rest of my life.

If anyone reads all this I’m hoping for some advice or perspective from others or even just some shared experiences so I can feel less alone in this. I’m feeling lost at the moment and finding it hard to stay positive and believe my path won’t be the same as my mum and sisters.