u/Different_Material56

Please help me realize my relationship was unhealthy/bad and would not have improved.

1. They shut down my emotions with space (felt like a punishment; made me physically sick).
2. They were inconsiderate of my needs.
3. They became very unaffectionate (restricted to their terms).
4. They did not seek to understand me/lack of curiosity for me and my inner world (claimed they knew me so well already).
5. They projected and shifted blame onto me for their anger and behaviours.
6. They prioritized their friends' time over mine (punctual for them, late for me).
7. They have poor communication skills.
8. They did not actively participate in conflict resolution or repair (no apologies or solutions).
9. They are financially unstable.
10. They are extremely stubborn (refused to do things simply because I'd ask).
11. Their words and actions did not align (blame this on forgetfulness).
12. They were inconsistent (Hot one day, cold the next).
13. They gave me the silent treatment and stonewalled me.
14. They said more and more mean and hurtful things.
15. They broke up with me - clearly does not actually love me.

I know many of these behaviours only began once they started to deactivate and devalue me. I think this logic has me stuck. They showed me they are highly capable of being a good and loving partner. Then, behaviours on this list slowly started to increase over time. I know in my brain that this is not the ideal relationship dynamic, but my heart does not seem to BELIEVE that it was truly THAT BAD.

I’m starting to have some good days but then find myself crying at the bar at the smallest triggers of my ex. I know deep down that their avoidance is unhealthy. I also know that my anxious attachment was unhealthy. Yet, I cannot seem to shake this love I have for them. I know I should not want them because of their manipulation, silent treatment, and constant intermittent reinforcement. I feel addicted and I cannot seem to let this go. I try so hard to keep pushing forward. Why can’t this be easy for me like it is for them? Why, do I have to be the one to carry love for them still? Why do I have to still love them so deeply and why can’t I just hyper focus on the negatives of the relationship like they can? Why, oh why, does this anxious-avoidant cycle have to exist? I never felt numb in the relationship like they did during shutdowns. But now, I’m sitting on a bench at the beach staring at the waves feeling utterly numb inside after having cried my soul out in the bathroom at the bar.

I’m so unsure now what healthy levels of communication and partner support should be in a serious relationship. What is considered unreasonable ?

Is anyone else suffering of bad nightmares about their avoidant post breakup? I’m one month out from the breakup (he ended things). I have these awful nightmares that wake me up each night with my heart absolutely racing and beating out like crazy.

If you had these types of post breakup nightmares, how did you get through them/how long did they last?

I want to move on actively move on from my ex, but physically cannot. He seems a lot more capable in this sense. I've been told by people I talk to about the situation that I sound addicted to him. I also feel like the trauma from the Intermittent Reinforcement and the need for me to rationalize his DA behaviours/borderline emotional manipulation in the relationship make it harder for me to shake the grief. I've read on differentiation and how you need to focus on yourself. However, when I try to write a list of things I like to do or find joy in my days I struggle (other than when i'm hyperfixated on memories with my ex). I know I am stuck and I need a way forward. I don't want to be in this sadness and pain forever, even when I realize the relationship was not the most healthy and from the outside everyone seems to wonder why I didn't initiate the breakup with my ex for their unhealthy behaviours/how they treated me (they broke up with me). How do I move from regretful to thankful/acceptance.

First posted in r/Anxiousattachment - redirected here by a commenter.

I (F-AP) was broken up with approx. 1 month ago after 1.5 years of dating. My ex (M-DA) often experienced shutdowns when I expressed my emotions and/or needs, these shutdowns lasted a couple of days, during which he would pick up the phone only to tell me he didn't want to talk to me and needed "space." I still, now, feel highly responsible. I struggle to not blame myself for the relationship falling apart, especially for my inability to honour his boundary of space. I had such visceral reactions (i.e., nausea, puking, panic-spirals) to space/no contact. My anxious attachment was well under wraps for the first 6 to 8 months of the relationship - until he started to take space without indicating when he'd or if he'd return - this escalated my anxiety x1000. I was no longer able to manage and regulate myself. I didn't overflood him with messages, but often reached out in heavy tears. Over time, we both noticed that the pattern continued to accelerate and occur more frequently. Is it normal as an AP with a DA to feel like the sole responsibility of fixing the cycle sits with you because your emotions trigger the DA shutdowns, even when you try to express them in the most "secure" manner possible - would the DA always see it as an attack? I felt that as the AP, the success of the relationship was only on my shoulders and I was made to believe I was the one required to change. I blame myself for all the times I let my protests slip out and now I cannot stop ruminating on where I might have gone wrong and if I had been able to act differently would this have improved the relationship and/or his perspective of it. As the AP I always felt like I was trying to fix my issues for the DA, but that the DA wasn't trying to fix their issues for me.