u/Diligent-Ad-4943

I want to ask this sincerely as I’m very ashamed and I hope I can find other people that maybe have some answers

I’m 31/f and have struggled a lot with se*. I got abused as a child and later got into a complete dead bedroom marriage, from the very start we literally never had sex. He was gay and having se* with men and refused to even cuddle with me. I was with that man for ten years.

So I never understood what normal se* was even like, and on top of that i am extremely introverted so I never managed go build anything emotionally deep with anyone to even confess this.

After my marriage ended, i was terrified of relationships, emotions, people. But I was curious and I wanted to know what sex esas supposed be like. I ended up having casual sex with random men that I wasn’t even attracted to. And it was a bad experience every time, because I would dissociate, like literally go out my body while it happened and it also went numb down there. I am serious.

For some time, I thought the problem was that i wasn’t into men this way. With clothes, I’d find them attractive. But naked i have been so repulsed by their genitals and body in general. I find women much more beautiful and also the female genitals so much more appealing. Men physically are just so disgusting to me, with out clothes.

I’ve been celibate for years now and during those years I started talking to a man from Reddit.

I know it will sound bad, but yes i see his dic* and it’s the first one i find beautiful. Objectively, it is very beautiful.

But it was just that, someone I talk to and have seen his d*. Recently we met, after years of this. And it was the first time I managed to feel se*, and maybe feel love for someone. First time I feel I actually want se* and find their genital a desire and not a repulsion.

But after this, they go back to their country and even though we stay in contact, they don’t want to have a serious romantic relationship and keep their emotional distance.

I feel happy that I got to experience this once in my life. But now I feel my whole identity as an asexual, broken person in ruins and I feel confused. Part of me, wishes that I never met them, that it never happened. And I’ve been growing more and more depressed… I hope you don’t judge me and can give me another perspective. I am not feeling well

I’m quite attractive and from South America, already in Europe if you want hang out. Hetero, but quite asexual and completely given up on finding love after painfully disappointing experiences. I do not want children.

I spent most of my 20s in a lavender marriage, but with out my knowledge and against my will. It was quite traumatizing for me to find out his preferences, and I’ve spent years healing from it.

But it has also left me unable to experience anything remotely normal regarding sex and love, I guess. And I think the only thing I can do to not die alone is this again. My life is also quite unstable and would be grateful for something somewhat stable emotionally, financially. Genuinely looking for a best friend too, I don’t have that many friends.

I would love Netherlands because I loved it when visiting. Denmark too. I live in Europe but hold no passport, for anyone looking for that - I’m not the right person