u/DiligentCroissant

Thanks to everyone for help and advice last week. Really reinforced my resolve.

Ultimately I got together with my bf and we talked and decided that both of us wanna go with December. He was like, ‘well… it depends on how much you care about pissing your parents off. My own parents just eloped to be honest.’

So I was like ‘yeah let’s do it!! December!! Hopefully I wont get disowned!! But if I do get disowned Imma figure it out.’

Now I decided to speak to my mother privately before putting everyone before the fact. And I was like, ‘we… have… decided… on December… so… yeah…’

Long story short everyone will be there AND there has been no scandal AND I am not disowned AND our wishes got prioritized AND my parents did not get to be the center of stuff.

Diplomatic genius or what?? They should try employing me in the middle east or something.

Honest feedback welcomed. Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me if I am.

So my bf and I were hoping to get married next year in August. But now due to unforeseen circumstances… we could get married this December instead! 8 months early!

Now I videocalled my mother to tell her and my bf’s family was there and she acted super upset and cold. Even my bf’s mother was like, ‘oh, she isnt happy’. I hung up and broke down crying and FINALLY told my bf’s family SOME PART of just how emotionally undernourished I was in my own family.

So now even my bf’s family can see my family is cracked.

Long story short - I set up a groupchat to discuss the wedding plans.

My mother is very against the December date because it is close to her 60th birthday. She has also previously been reluctant to meet my fiancé’s family around her birthday. I am struggling to understand this because, to me, many parents would be incredibly happy to have such a major milestone happen around their birthday.

Interestingly some weeks ago my mom called me and asked, ‘you’re not planning to… not invite us to your wedding, right?’ And I was like, we are inviting you… why are you asking this? Lmao 10/10 foreshadowing

Anyway they really wanna prioritize THEIR OWN logistics and commitments. My older brother (golden child who STILL fields for them against me despite my father EFFECTIVELY DISOWNING HIM FOR BEING GAY!!) tried to gaslight us by saying that adjusting to other people’s logistics is ‘what adults do’ (I messaged him privately and told him I in fact think adults tend to prioritize making choices and drawing boundaries as opposed to putting everyone else ahead of them). Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

For various religious reasons (I have converted to Judaism NOT FOR THE SAKE OF MY BOYFRIEND before anyone asks - I started the journey way before we met - and so myself, him and his family are Orthodox Jews) not having the wedding in December would mean we would have to delay until June next year.

My own family seem to think this is fine as originally the wedding was planned for next August. And now they are just not seeing why I personally would wanna marry my bf 6 months earlier than originally planned? To THEM having it NEXT JUNE would be acceptable but to me… it is not.

They tried to say the wedding is a community and family event but I stressed that WE should be prioritized, although family and friends are important too.

Now in fairness the wedding would involve my parents traveling over on a plane but like… any time they wanna come over and personally surveil me, a plane ride is no trouble lmao. They also said they wanna ‘invite people from their side’ but… what people could be so important that they couldnt just be given a video link to watch the wedding?

Please, PLEASE tell me if I am being unreasonable. Please be honest but please do not be rude.

I have been through 3 months of hell. Layoffs, resignations, toxic environment. They wanted to put me on a PIP but then realized they couldn’t, essentially. But all this time the PIP hung over my head while I worked like a MULE as people kept getting laid off and resigning. 3 months working like a mule while also revising for an exam at one point. Never even told my family because they are also all insane.

Got signed off by the GP on Monday for a couple of weeks. Then will have holiday anyway. Entire month away from them should do the trick.

I need to get out of here…

Historically I’ve had some strong engagements and good support from managers, but I had one more difficult engagement which ended up impacting my year-end rating. More recently, I received mixed feedback on another engagement at a time when the firm is also going through layoffs, which has clearly made performance discussions stricter across the board.

As things stand, I’ve been told I’ll be PIP’d.

However, it’s now been almost a month and nothing formal has been issued by HR yet. Part of the delay seems to be because it was discovered that I never actually had a proper Occupational Health assessment previously, despite earlier assumptions that one had been completed. There’s discussion around support options, possible adjustments, and potentially moving me into a different area of audit that may suit me better. My PM has really been advocating for me.

There seems to be genuine willingness to support my development. But as far as I can tell, once PIPs are discussed in Big 4 environments, it’s basically curtains. (Although actually I have a friend who survived it in another part of the firm.)

I did start looking for new jobs once I saw how the land lies. I have unexpectedly progressed to a final-stage interview at another firm.

Do I stay and try to recover internally, especially if there’s still investment here?

Or is this usually the point where people should move on while they still have options?