Memories with my(20f) dad are making me queasy
Hi Reddit, I have made posts on here before but this one is making me particularly uncomfortable, and I'm sure you'll see why. My memory of my childhood is pretty shitty, and when I try to remember it I kind of feel like I'm looking into a black hole. But every once in a while I'll get pieces back, which doesn't happen often. For example, I drowned when I was little, and was rescued by someone who noticed I had gone under the water. I remembered my parents drinking and not even realizing what had happened until he had pulled me out. I remembered this one summer when I was in junior high, and when I asked my mom about it, she was surprised that I had remembered, and had even forgotten about it herself. Now that I feel like I've explained that enough, I'll get onto what I put in the title. I don't remember when it started (being that I have a hard time recalling things) but my dad used to touch me even when I'd tell him no. He'd pinch, smack, and grab my butt, and would on occasion touch my chest. I vaguely remember one time when I yelled at him to stop because I'd told him to before, and he was angry. My mom was crying, but wasn't defending me, instead she kept saying "she knows it's not-" but wouldn't say what I "knew" it wasn't. She didn't ask me how I felt or defend me, she didn't want him to be angry. He'd do it often, and I'd get mad and yell, and would feel so violated and helpless that I would hit him. Most of the time this would make me feel even worse, because he would start laughing and smiling while I had to hold back tears so I wouldn't get in trouble. After one of the times he did it, I went to my room and laid on my bed. That's when I'd gotten a flashback to a memory I'd forgotten where he was showing me a picture on his phone. I feel sick. The picture was of a younger me laying on my bed with no clothes on, and I could feel how uncomfortable I was when he showed me and held me tightly against him. He was asking me "who is that?" and I didn't answer as far as I can recall, and he said "that's my beautiful girl, look at what you did". That's where the memory ended. I've tried in every fiber of my being to try and recall the night that he took the picture, but I can't help but feel like I'm remembering it wrong because of the emotions that I felt when the flashback came on. Like every time I think I might remember him doing it or taking off my clothes himself, I'm just being biased and I feel sick.
I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I could ever ask my mom about it. They both used to drink so much that they wouldn't remember days, so I doubt she'd even be able to look for truth in my story or be able to confirm or deny what I feel. I don't know when I can bring this up in therapy, especially since my first appointment was only wednesday.