Am I a Boy Toy? I love old ladies, help me ＼(°o°)／
I got that feeling that I am a freak who's using an old lady to fulfill his own design, his expectations, his dreams, his ideals. Like I feel, I'm not sure if I'm actually doing it or if it's just a desire that happens in my mind. As you know, I have narcissistic personality disorder. And there is this old lady that I like to spend time with. It's like, every time I see her, I get this feeling, this pleasant feeling like I wanna spend more time with her because she's like a source of validation for me. I think it's because she kinda want to spend time with me, she's interested in spending time with me, and that makes me feel very special, that makes me feel unique, that makes me feel appreciated. And yeah, so, I've started to spend more and more time with her. And I don't socialize with anybody else. I mean, not a lot. I don't talk a lot with other people. And, usually because other people seem boring and bland to me. It's like I have this habit of finding someone and sticking to this person, like a lot, and spending a lot of time with them. I used to do it with Kevin, but Kevin is always sleeping or on drugs. And, I would spend time with him, but it's gotten a bit boring or bland or uneventful. You know, he's seriously ill. He's got schizophrenia. And, I don't know, I spend less time with him. And now I spent a lot of time with Barbara, the old lady. And I'm worried because I think that I am subtly trying to insert myself into her life or use her as a prop to make myself feel better. It doesn't mean that I'm doing anything seriously wrong. And to be honest, I think I'm mostly worried about the optics. Because a young man hanging with an old lady from time to time is alright, it's okay, it's healthy. But a young man who doesn't talk with anybody except an old lady and spent an inordinate amount of time with that old lady is kinda strange.
But at the same time, she's the only person around here that I actually tolerate. I live in a group home and all the other ones, they're so fucking weird and antisocial and badly behaved. And they don't get me. They don't try to get me. They actually try to pull me down to their level. But it's true, I don't spend enough time with other people. Maybe I should. Maybe it would be good for me. I can sense my own anger and my own hatred that says "no, fuck these people. I'm going to rinse this old woman and suck the life force out of her. I do whatever the fuck I want and I'm going to use her". I always thought this was in the back of my mind but that I kept it well under lid, but now I'm not sure anymore. So that's the thing is that I know I have these thoughts and behaviors, but I usually, I never act on them. I see them and then I stop them.
But maybe on sub, subconscious level, I am still using her. I am still tricking her. I am making her my little creature who's dependent on me and who wants to spend time with me. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm blowing it up out of proportion. Maybe I'm calling myself a freak. I'm thinking of myself as a freak, like a weirdo who spends time with old ladies because he wants to suck the life force out of them. I don't know if that's what I am, but I'm worried this is what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm just judging myself like that or if indeed I am crossing a line, like an ethical line. She may be not aware of it, but I am. I think I need to make some friends and talk to other people. It's really hard for me to spend time with anybody that I don't find particularly interesting or people that challenge me.
I'm thinking I may need to spend time with other people, otherwise this is going to look weird. If I didnt care about looking like a freak, I would probably keep doing it, but there is also an honest part of me that wants to do right (let's hope)
EDIT: it was a narcissistic psychosis and I projected on everyone. People thought we went to smoke weed in secret that s why people were acting weird and being concerned, not because they thought we were kissing in secret